Honey I'm home. And boy do I NOT want to be in this country. I grabbed a flight yesterday afternoon (for a number of reasons). The first being that our two dogs Bella and Rebel were put to sleep last night. They were 20 years old (very old for black Labradors). Rebel's back legs went a little while ago and he's had trouble walking. For a number of weeks he's needed us to help him to stand up. Other than that he's been happy though. Bella has been fine. She went deaf in her old age but other than that, nothing wrong with her. Eventually three days ago Rebel stopped eating and drinking and has shown no motivation to want to move from the floor where he lies most of the time. We all knew the time was upon us that he'd have to go to sleep. Although there wasn't mush wrong with Bella (apart from being stiff, deaf and extremely old), we decided that she wouldn't cope at all without Rebel (they're brother and sister and have been joined at the hip since birth) so we decided that we should let them go to sleep together. It wouldn't have been fair to Bella to keep her without Rebel. She most certainly would have given up herself shortly afterwards. So it is with immense sadness that I say goodbye to them both and hope that they are in Heaven with Kim and Pixie.
The other reason I am home is that Kyle decided to take a few days off work and come and stay with me if I flew home. I thought that a few days with Kyle would be exactly what I needed. He never fails to make me laugh and cheer me up (even when I am feeling suicidal!).
So, yesterday Peppe dropped me at the airport and I jumped on the afternoon flight back to Stanstead. My dad and Kyle were there waiting to pick me up. I managed to grab a window seat on the plane so that I could roll a jumper up and rest it (and my head) against the window the whole way home. Annoyingly an Italian man came and sat next to me and spent the whole 2 hours leaning over me to look out of the window. I was on the verge of hitting him by the time we landed. If I wasn't so tired I'd have happily just given him the window seat but all I wanted to do was sleep and it's mush easier to do that when you've got something to lean your head against. Plus, I got there mega-early to ensure I got the seat of my choice. To try and sleep with a man leaning over you and breathing all over you is not easy. He really wound me up.
My dad took me straight to his house so that I could go and spend some time with Bella and Rebel and say my goodbyes. I cried my eyes out and cuddled them and then left to go back to my house with Paddy and Lyla. I didn't want to be there when they got sent to sleep as I was too upset. I held my beloved Cheeky (the pony I'd had since I was 5) last year when she got put to sleep and it broke my heart. I didn't feel up to doing it again. Me and Kyle sat at mine with Jordan until about 9.30pm talking about everything that has happened to me in the last few weeks, from winning the show to being messed around by men. We talked about the fact that I feel really down and tried to find a solution to it. Turns out there isn't one. We ended up going for a Chinese. We went to a brilliant one down the road that does the best vegetarian food and stuffed ourselves silly. When we got home we then sat up until 3am waffling and trying to think of something to cheer ourselves up. The one thing that did make us laugh was how many giant spiders kept running across the floor. All three of us are terrified of them (although Kyle has recently discovered that he can actually pick them up with a glass and piece of paper which is more than Jordan or I can do). Jordan was screaming at one point that one was "growling" at him, while Kyle was in the kitchen getting the 'spider glass' for the third time. I guess that now the temperature is dropping, they are all coming in looking for some warmth. That is the only downside to living in the countryside; you get spiders as big as mice! That said, it was lovely to come home to a magazine-perfect house. My cleaners had been earlier yesterday so the house was sparkling and sweet smelling. It's when I've been away that I come home and realise how mush I love my beautiful house.
When Jordan left to go to bed I showed Kyle all the holiday photos and he agreed with me that the Fit Barman is the most gorgeous thing ever! He reckons that he would have fallen in love with him too (on looks alone) and can totally understand why I'm so fed up with being in this country when there are men like him in Cyprus.
Today we are going to a new chocolate bar that has opened up in Brentwood. After that we have a choice of going to Bluewater for some retail therapy or ordering a male prostitute. It's pouring with rain here so there's not a lot else to do. I think it might be time for me to go away again! Linsey Dawn called me yesterday while I was at the airport in Italy and begged me to get a flight to Marbella on Monday to go and stay with them for a week. I told her how low I was feeling and after we hung up she sent me a series of texts saying things like "you're Jodie F*cking Marsh! You're strong and you're a survivor! Don't let any stupid man or ANYBODY get you down! I promise that after a week with me you'll be revitalised and ready to face the world again with the old Jodie Marsh fire!" I love Linsey. Later on today I'm going to look at flights online. Much as I didn't want to go and stay with them on my own (I thought staying with a newly married, loved-up couple would just depress me even more), I think I might just enjoy another week in the sun. Wow - there are some perks to this job then - at least I can go away whenever I want!
So, Kyle is now watching the All Star Talent Show I recorded from last week. I can hear "Don't Rain on my Parade" blasting out from the lounge. Even hearing that song makes me feel happy and I know that no matter how crappy I'm feeling right now and no matter how mush people are nasty or abusive in the future, I can always look back on that tape and know that for 2 minutes I looked beautiful and half-elegant and was having the absolute time of my life! Ha ha.
Lots of love
Jodie
Xxx
Bella and Rebel R.I.P
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