It's early morning here in Italy. The mountains all around me are covered by a thin haze of heat. It looks more beautiful than ever. Last night Peppe and I went to a restaurant for dinner. We had traditional wood-oven baked pizza and bread drenched in olive oil. It was delicious but yet again today I reek of garlic! On the way to the restaurant we stopped off to meet one of Peppe's friends. He's the local wine-maker. He produces 50,000 bottles of red a year! Very nice he was too, although I'd got to a point where not being able to speak Italian was starting to bug me. A few months ago my mum got me a whole course on cd so as soon as I get home I'm going to start learning. I've always wanted to speak another language (I speak French but not so brilliantly anymore) and since Italian men are probably the sexiest; it may as well be Italian that I learn!
It is like being in another world out here. There's no nightclubs, no bars (apart from ones with ONE table outside and a 90 year old man smoking roll-ups sitting at it), there's not even a tattooist! Ha ha. That was the first thing I asked Peppe when I got here. I thought a bit of self-inflicted pain might go down a treat while I try and deal with the real problems deep inside. Nope - it wasn't to be. Instead I have met the wine-maker, the shoe-maker and the local undertaker. I've sat and brooded to myself, I've gone over recent events time and time again in my head, I've tried to make sense of it all and I think the only thing I know for sure is that I'm screwed in the head!!!
Yesterday I was looking for a video of my performance on the All Star Talent Show to show Peppe. Since I'd told him all about falling for Ben and also about winning the show; he was more than a little intrigued to see us dancing. Eventually I found it online (you can watch it at www.allstartalentshow.co.uk). I played it to him twice (he loved it and didn't believe it was me!) and I then went straight up to my bedroom, did the whole routine alone in my room (like a weirdo) and then collapsed sobbing on the giant fluffy bed. I felt like shouting at myself afterwards "what the Hell are you crying for?" but even I didn't know why. I suppose it just goes back to what I've said over and over again - I wish I could dance every day for a living! I wish I could work with Vanessa every day and I wish I had as mush fun ALL the time as I did on All Star Talent Show. I can't wait to start rehearsing for the Final now. With or without Ben I'm looking forward to it more than anything. I'm missing spending time with Vanessa and I can't wait to see her. She was so lovely to me. When I watched the tape back of the show, I cried when she praised me to the judges. She was so behind me all the way and I've never really had that before. All I've ever had is people wanting to try and make me look silly or to make me look like something I'm not. Vanessa just wanted me to look beautiful and elegant and she wanted me to do well. That's why I kept saying I didn't want to let her (or Ben) down. Not that it would have been the end of the world but she is so genuinely lovely and she helped me so mush. She knew how excited I was for the show and to be able to dance again like I used to when I was younger (even if it was a bit sloppy and my heels kept getting caught in the back of my dress, which was too long!). I CANNOT WAIT to get back into rehearsals!!! This time around I'm going to work my butt off (not that I didn't in the first place) and get the routine 100% perfect. I'm not going to let my feelings for a man get in the way of the best job in the world! Don't get me wrong, liking Ben the way I did only made the show even more exciting but now my brain is behaving itself, I know that I will lose myself in the dance and love it more than ever. Forget fit men - it's all about the dance and doing my mum, dad and Vanessa proud!
When I get back to England I'm going to download the video from the show and watch it forever more!!! Anyway, enough - I don't want to bore you all with how amazing I felt that night and I still can't say thank you enough to all the people who voted so I'm just going to shut up and sit here smiling about the time I actually won something!!!
I have decided that when I get home I am going to start doing all the things I keep putting off. I'm going to go and visit Jordan Knight in America, Corey Haim in Canada and I'm seriously going to start looking at properties abroad. It won't happen all at once but at least I have exciting things to think about and do. This time next year I either want to be married or living abroad or be a best-selling author of novels or just at least be working lots and enjoying myself. I don't ever want to be in this situation again (ie. Upset over men and driving myself mad to the point of running away). If I sit and truly think about it; I know exactly how it came to this though. Having been let down all my adult life by men and now (being famous), finding it harder than ever to find a decent one; I got to a point where I allowed my feelings to run so deep that I got hurt and am still hurting. If I had just forced myself to think with my head and not my heart then everything would have been fine. Sometimes it's just too hard to do that though. I know right from wrong, I just can't help myself sometimes and like I said before; I just wanted to think about ME for a change. I always back down to keep other people happy and for once I wanted to make myself happy. I wanted something that I knew would have me waking up every day with the biggest cheesy grin on my face!
Don't get me wrong, the shoe-maker, wine-maker and undertaker are all lovely but Ben and Fit Barman they ain't!!! ha ha. I can't even explain to you why I felt the way I did, although I suppose you can work it out (after reading about all my other experiences with men in recent times). For the hundredth time - I just want a REAL man to lie in my bed with me, watch films with me, travel the world with me, ride motorbikes with me, do sky-dives with me, cuddle me, have great sex with me, give me great conversation AND one who knows how to kiss properly. If I took little bits of all the men I've been out with and stuck them all together I'd have the perfect man. Unfortunately none of them alone had everything I want! They've all been lovely in their own way and they've all been complete pricks in their own way. Even Kenzie had his moments (read my updated paperback) of being not so nice.
Anyway, enough about boring men. Lets talk about the fact that Jordan bought a motorbike yesterday! Ha ha. I'm very excited cos this means that we can finally go out riding together. I always feel very happy when I'm on my bike. It's like being free from everything! When I've got my helmet on and I'm in control of a throbbing, growling piece of machinery, there's no one else around and I can do whatever I like and go wherever I want, it makes me feel very relaxed. There's nothing quite like bombing round country lanes on an R6. One day I'm going to learn how to get my knee down fully!! Jordan sent me a picture of the bike he's just bought and it's a beauty! His is all black too (like mine) so we'll look cool when we go out together. The next short holiday I have is going to have to be a biking one! In fact ever since I've been here in Italy, I've done nothing but pine for my bike. The roads here around the mountains would make the PERFECT bike track and I would have had the time of my life if I had been out riding on them every day. Never mind - I'll know for next time.
Aside from all the little people shouting inside my head everything is great. Ha ha. I'm definitely feeling a lot better and when I get home, I'll make sure the first people I speak to are motorbike Paul and Kyle. After Peppe's words of wisdom, they will only be able to knock even more sense into me. They always tell it how it is (Paul was the first to ask me if Fancy Boy was gay. Ha ha) and they always make me feel better about myself. I'm quite craving going to a nightclub and getting drunk now. There's only so mush mountain air a girl can take!
I've been talking to Alex a lot on text while I've been out here (my gorgeous mate who got beaten up recently). It was quite funny cos the first thing she texted me was "...so? Did you get together with Ben? He's so gorgeous!" when I replied saying 'no' and told her that I'd come to Italy to try and sort my head out, she went mad saying "I'll kill him! How dare he hurt you!! He didn't deserve you anyway! Oh Babe I wish I was there with you!" sadly I had to tell her that actually he didn't do anything wrong and that it was all my own fault for allowing myself to like someone who was already taken (and who if truth be known didn't like me at all that way!). Me and Alex have decided that when I get back we are going to go out and get steaming drunk and not let any man near us. They can look but they can't touch. We just want to have some fun and forget all our troubles. In fact, together we have always been a bit of a handful so I'm really looking forward to it. Watch out boys, we're in the mood to break some hearts! Ha ha.
Gonna go and have some breakfast now. Hope you all have a great day! Lots of love and hugs
Jodie
xxxx
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