God I'm so sorry that I haven't written in ages. It's been a really tough week for me (as all of you will know who have read my book). I'll get into the sad thoughtful stuff in a bit but for now I want to talk about Big Brother. Tell me this; is it now just called Big Jade?! I'm not being funny but if I wanted a show about just Jade and all her family I would ask for it. At least if there were just some crummy documentary about her family then I could not watch it but here's the dilemma: I want to watch Big Brother. My mate Jo is in it. I want her to win. I'm going on BBLB (this Sunday) and BBBM soon. I should at least know what is going on in the house, no?! The dilemma is that I DON'T want to watch a program about Jade bloody Goody and her family and that is what Big Brother has become. Does anybody know....... Does Jade now OWN Endemol?! Because that is the only answer I can come up with for the insanity of turning the show from Big Brother to Big Jade. What on earth are they thinking? And this people is not because I intensely dislike pigface (as Donny called her) - even if I liked her, I still wouldn't want Big Brother being turned into a show just about her and her non-famous family (I LOVE Cleo but I still wouldn't want to watch it if they brought her entire family in). It's a joke! Celebrity Big Brother is supposed to be about a bunch of different celebs who don't know each other being thrown into a house and set challenges. It's about watching how they get on and how they cope. It's not supposed to be about watching how a celeb's granddad eats his dinner. I'm seriously in shock over this. I can't believe that the makers thought it would be a good idea. Two of the biggest characters walked out as soon as Jade entered anyway (which shows just how annoying she is) and now everyone I know is switching off to it cos they don't care about seeing someone's old nan eating her carrots.
Do I carry on watching or not? I don't want to. It's boring and annoying TV and it turns me right off my Dominos pizza. But...... I do still wanna see how Jo is getting on and I need to know a little bit about it so that I can chat to Dermot and Russell Brand on TV. Mmmmmmmn. Why? Why? Why? Why would Channel 4 do this to us?! I feel like my house is being violated when the TV is on and the whole Goody family are in my living room. If only they would get rid of them all and focus more on the real people in the house (and real celebs who have actually DONE something to get famous), like Jo! Jo is soooooo funny. Unfortunately right now nobody is seeing that cos they're too interested in showing old grandma Goody but trust me; Jo is a right character. She's got so mush to say for herself. She's a typical loud & funny Essex girl and she doesn't stand for any sh*t. I wish they'd show it!
Moving on..... Today is the anniversary of Kim's birth and death so I feel I should say something. I don't really even know what to say to be honest; other than I miss her terribly still and wish with all my heart that she was still with us. It's times like this that I reflect a lot on what happened and wonder if there was anything that could have been done on my part to prevent it. People always tell me I shouldn't beat myself up over it and I try not to but the problem I have is that the last time I saw her; I knew things weren't right between her and her scumbag boyfriend. What I beat myself up over is that I should have forced more out of her and tried to help her. She didn't really go into a lot of detail, she just told me things weren't that great and left it at that but I thought she meant they were just having normal relationship arguments and that it would all be fine by the next day. Obviously it wasn't fine because a week later she was dead at the hands of the scumbag.
I suppose I want to say this: if you are in a violent relationship or if you know somebody who is in a relationship and doesn't seem that happy (ie. something is wrong); do something about it. If your friend is not her normal self then try and find out what's going on. Domestic violence is a bigger killer than Breast Cancer. Two women a week in England and Wales are killed by a partner or ex-partner. It's the biggest killer of unborn babies and 1 in 4 women experience Domestic Violence at some point in their life. It's a lot more common than you think; it's just that no one talks about it. It's such a taboo subject and I KNOW this because, I myself, was beaten up for 4 years by a professional heavyweight Boxer. To look at me (and to know me), you would see that I am not a weak person. I'm strong and super-confident and loud.... Yet it happened to me. People always think it happens to weak women and this is just NOT the case. It starts with a slap round the face (and the man crying and begging for your forgiveness) and it ends up, in the worst case, (like Kim) in murder. Growing up I NEVER would have thought that I (of all people) would end up in a violent relationship. I used to read stories in magazines about women who were beaten up by their boyfriends and used to wonder why on earth they stayed with them?! When you've actually been there though, you realise it's not that simple to just walk away. Sometimes you've got too mush to lose; sometimes you're scared of them and what they might do if you leave. Whatever the reason; it happens all the time, everywhere and will continue to happen. That's why today, in Kim's memory I want to urge anyone reading this who might already be in a violent relationship or who knows of someone they think might be in a violent relationship to do something about it.
Kim is gone. There's nothing any of us can do about that but someone somewhere might just be able to prevent it happening to someone else. Kim was one of the most amazing people I knew. She was the most hyper, energetic, friendly and warmest person. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. She wanted nothing but to enjoy life and made everyone around her laugh. I miss having her around because she was my partner in crime. She was the same as me; in terms of wanting to cause mischief, wanting to always have fun and always making the most out of every situation. The difference between us was that she was more happy-go-lucky than me. There wasn't a lot that ever bothered her and even when she was ranting about something, there was still always a glint in her eye and a laugh at the end of it. She just loved to make people laugh.
As each year goes by it does get a little easier (although not less painful). Today I am feeling 100 times better than I did last year when I was separated from all my friends and family on this day (on Big Brother - never again!). I know that everyone is there for each other and that the friends around me are the best in the world. In fact; I love my friends more than anything. I appreciate every tiny little thing about them and I know that they feel the same about me. I am a very lucky girl and feel truly blessed that I know so many amazing people. Perhaps losing Kim made us realise how mush we care about each other and that is a good thing. It brought us all closer together and made us NEVER want to take each other for granted. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and your partners. Don't stay with a partner who's not right and always love your friends because the bottom line is that your friends can walk away if they want. The reason that they stay and help you through the hard times is because they love you!
People that's it for today. I think I've said enough. Have a good day and I will write again tomorrow (that's if I haven't killed myself over having to watch Jade Goody's fake crying on the TV for the 19th time - purleeeease - what on earth does the idiot have to cry about? She's got her whole family in the bloody house with her. I can tell you now; if I had my whole family in there with me, I sure as Hell wouldn't be crying! Loser.).
All my love Jodie x x x x
Kim R.I.P angel
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