After 6 hours with Kyle making me laugh (so mush I nearly wet myself) I am ok! I know that I probably shouldn't have written all that crap last night but you know what it's like when you can't stop thinking about someone. Today I feel fine (hence not starting this blog with "oh dear..."). I actually feel strangely relieved (but I think that's because I got hundreds of messages on Myspace saying "I know exactly how you feel". I really do think that these things are sent to test us and that we only become stronger, bigger and better for them.
Getting all that off my chest (and seeing it back in writing) has made me see that perhaps no man is worth stressing over and that I should just forget all about him. I would have loved for it to work out, just because he is the best bloke I've ever met in my life - though that said; I haven't met Justin yet!
Also I had a message from one girl on Myspace saying that she had been going through exactly the same thing and she had dumped him. Reading her story made me realise that I just need to be a bit stronger and that I need to be calling the shots (if only cos I'm not the sort of girl who ever wants to sit and wait around for a man). If I were more shy, reserved (and perhaps brainless) then I might happily sit around like an air-head thinking "I don't mind that he doesn't want to see me" but the truth is that I DO mind and therefore I need to break it to get over it. It's all about being strong and living your life the way you want to live it. I don't want to be "on call" for a man and neither do I want to be made to feel like I am just a time-filler. I want to know (even after a week) that he NEEDS to see me and that he adores being with me. I know I haven't made this easy on myself (or on him) because I have acted like such a weirdo but I have explained all this to him so if he still doesn't get it then I don't want it. I need someone who understands my madness and he really doesn't (clearly as he is just making me madder by the day). I will never just be a "normal" person - years of having people sh*t all over me and only get with me for the fame have seen to that. Therefore I need someone who understands my fears, insecurities and will help me with them (and help me learn to trust again); what I DON'T need is someone who just adds to those fears by being blasé about wanting to see me (and by making me feel like I'm checking up on him, when all I was trying to do was get close to him).
I know that deep down he will never know what he has lost with me. I don't mean that in a big-headed way, I just mean that he never saw enough of the real me to know how loving, fun, happy, positive, patient, caring, kind and warm I am. I know that these are all the things he wants in life and I know that he too is bit of a lost soul who just wants the same things as me (what a terrible shame then that I couldn't just be normal with him, and he be normal with me). To be honest though another thing that worried me is how he was about my fame. He told me that he wasn't sure if he could deal with it (or wanted it). I tried to reassure him that it meant nothing and that my fame is just a job. I also told him that if he so wished we could keep our relationship secret forever (or for as long as he wanted to). He didn't need to be all over the magazines with me (I hardly ever go to red carpet events anyway and if I do then I take Kyle or whoever). I didn't want to thrust him into the lime-light anyway cos he meant too mush to me to treat him the same way I have all the other blokes. The feelings I had for him were precious and I wanted to keep them that way (ie. I didn't want the general public knowing anything about us so that we might find a really tight bond before maybe telling everyone from Ok magazine to Heat).
I really thought I had found the man of my dreams in him. He was everything I wanted (and more). I have however realised that if someone means that mush to you then you have to let it go and if it doesn't come back to you then it wasn't yours in the first place. So....... That's what I'm doing. I'm letting him go. I'm walking away (if only to save myself any further rejection or feelings of being "not worthy"). I have deleted his number from my phone; I will not be in touch with him. If he wants me then he knows where I am and if he doesn't, well then I haven't lost anything have I? In fact, I will have gained something: the ability to go for a gorgeous man who I normally wouldn't have touched with a barge-pole for fear of having my heart broken. I have called the shots in every relationship I've ever had and I have been "above" every guy I've ever been out with (in every way!). Now I am saving myself for someone amazing. No more mingers for me! I have set myself a standard with him and I am going to stick to it (though I will have to go a long long way to find anyone as gorgeous as him - in fact I'm not even sure they exist! Ha ha).
On a serious note, one day I WILL find my soul mate and he will be; not only drop-dead gorgeous, but he will be kind, caring, understanding (especially of me and my insane needs), he will be there for me when I need him and I will love him with every inch of my body. He will be funny and kind (esp. to animals), he will be outrageous, spontaneous, thrill-seeking and up for anything. He will be cute and manly at the same time, he will have a body to die for, he will have the face of an angel. He will make me feel like a princess and he will worship the ground I walk on (and I will him - not in a stalkerish way - in a loving way). He will cuddle me when I cry and join with me in my happiness and passion for life. He will want to share this insane journey with me and he will want me to be a part of his. He will know what it feels like to not trust people easily and he will compensate for that by making me trust and love him more than I do anyone in the world. He will know what I have been through in life and he will take all that pain away (once and for all).
Until I meet that person; here's to being famous, being talked about (whether good or bad - I'd rather be talked about than not), to being totally mad and far too full-on. Here's to being a woman of the world, to being someone who has achieved nearly all her dreams, to being happy (most of the time). Here's to going out and pulling 17 year olds, to getting drunk with my mates and dancing on tables. Here's to having the best family in the world and being loved and here's to the rest of "My Crazy Life". Cheers! I'm off to get a tattoo and to book flights to hot places.
All my love Jodie x x x x
P.S I am on the James Whale radio show on Talksport tonight from 10pm til midnight. Make sure you tune in! I might rant about men!!!!!
P.P.S my Myspace is www.myspace.com/youwishiwasyourbird - add me, leave me comments, enjoy my mad pictures (especially the one from Saturday night where I did a really dodgy and wonky Dirty Dancing lift while drunk in a club!
P.P.P.S Quote for the day: "I live for those who love me, whose hearts are kind and true; for the Heaven that smiles above me, and awaits my spirit too" George Linnaeus Banks
P.P.P.P.S Second quote for the day: "As you continue pushing through fear and doing it anyway, you learn to trust your ability to handle whatever life may throw at you"
P.P.P.P.P.S Happy Birthday to Jordan for yesterday! I will tell you all about the weekend on my next blog but for now I just want to tell my brother how mush I love him and how mush I appreciate him. He is the most talented person I've ever known and he means more to me than anything
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