I've just sat and watched the All Star Talent Show (and tried not to even look at Ben, who was flamenco dancing!) and then straight after I watched Vroom Vroom with my amazing performance behind the wheel (even if I do say so myself). I'm very pleased with myself that I hold the highest score on Cat and Mouse (just proves that women can be better than men!). It was really funny to watch - I didn't realise how vocal I am; I screamed most of the way round the race track! Comedy! I am chuffed that I am the reigning champ though! In Bluewater today I had loads of women coming up to me saying "well done on winning Cat and Mouse! You did all women proud!" ha ha. I assumed from all these comments that my episode of Vroom Vroom was on this week (not that I got told it was going to be on!) so on flicking through the TV guide earlier, I noticed it was on again on Sky 2 tonight (I guessed it would be the one I was on). I was right and I got to see my hilarious and triumphant performance. For anyone that didn't see it I was in a crummy little fiesta and a professional racing driver was in a jag. He had to chase me around a race track and I had to stay away from him as long as I possibly could. Up until me, Jeremy Edwards held the record at 1 minute 30 something seconds. I got way over 2 minutes. Yes Marsh!!! I knew I should have been a formula one driver! Like I said on the show though, I passed my driving test exactly one week after my 17th birthday (even though the instructor I had for one measly lesson told me I wouldn't!) and I have been driving since I was 5 years old. My dad used to always let me have a go behind the wheel of whatever car he had. Plus, of course I ride a motorbike. There's no messing when it comes to me and racing. I've also been trained to race go-karts by the British Champion. I love it!
The All Star Talent Show was highly entertaining again and I'm really glad Roy Walker won. He was definitely the best tonight! Andi Peters and Myleene are so funny. I couldn't stop giggling at their various comments. Big Ben from Phats and Small (the guy doing the magic trick with Myleene) is a mate of mine. I had no idea he was doing the show too. He's a wicked guy; really lovely. He came to my fancy dress party last year. I couldn't work out whether he was supposed to be a gangster, the guy from Phantom of the Opera or Zorro though. I just remember (through my drunken haziness) that he had a black suit and some sort of mask on! Ha ha. Anyway, great show. I'm looking forward to meeting Roy in the final.
I went to Bluewater today with Jord and Kyle. I had the intention of maybe just treating myself to a few little things but ended up coming home with a car-full of bags. You know you're feeling down when you keep buying and buying and buying....... (and you know you should stop but you just can't!)
I got a new pair of boots, a new pair of Gina shoes, loads of new clothes, some more mac make-up (a girl can never have enough; even though I haven't actually had a single scrap of make-up on my face since the All Star Talent Show last week) and some really sexy underwear (not that anyone's gonna see it but I'm reading a new book at the moment where the girl in it buys sexy underwear just to please herself and get off on wearing it - thought I'd give it a go). I must have more sexy underwear than anyone else alive I reckon. I seem to have a real obsession with it. There's nothing quite like the feel of flimsy see-through material against your bits and I love see-through bras cos when your nipples go hard they look incredible through the lace! I now have a whole room in my house dedicated to sexy underwear. And I mean really sexy. I've got everything from kinky to totally dirty to lacy and innocent. I even had a load shipped over from America (cos the Americans do sexy so mush better than us!). If I do ever pull a bloke again, he'll be in for a right treat!! Especially since I am still losing weight and getting fit. Not that I was fat, but as Heat magazine so nicely pointed out on their front cover, I had put on a few pounds. The love-handles are no more anyway. I'm back to being 7 ½ stone and looking great with it (ha ha - again - even if I do say so myself). I'm very tanned still (from Cyprus and Italy), my hair is looking fab and my tattoos; well, they're just sexy as hell. I'm loving the way I look right now, shame no straight men actually appreciate it. ha ha. Going back to the underwear; I've got a ton of it and it's not getting any airplay! I NEED to find a man for some fun, if only to show off how great I look in a half-cup bra and crotchless knickers ;)
So, it's Friday night and sadly I am sitting in my house. How thoroughly boring! To be honest I could easily go out now but the thought of not seeing any real men is stopping me. Instead I will save my energy for tomorrow night because at least it's Saturday tomorrow so there's more chance of someone half-decent being out and about. Not that I know what half-decent looks like anymore?! I used to think I could tell a wrong-un from a good one but with the track record I'm holding at the moment with men; I reckon I've totally lost all sense of judgement. I sat and deleted a load of numbers off my phone earlier. I had one of those moments where you need to make some changes. The temptation of having certain bloke's numbers on my phone was becoming too mush. I don't trust myself when sober not to text them so God help everyone when I've had a drink (ie. Tomorrow night). To resist fully I knew I had to get rid of the offending numbers and so I did. I deleted 9 in total. They include TMBMITW, the Great Kisser and even Fancy Boy. Not that I'm tempted to text those three to be honest (well, maybe the Great Kisser) but I thought it safer to delete them. After all, we're talking about a single girl who's desperate for a bit of fun and who's just bought a load of sexy underwear! It's not a good place to be! I'd text Fran if I had his number! Ha ha - that is a joke, obviously! I do feel a bit better now that I don't have their numbers; a bit like I have regained some control in my life. I've been going out of my mind recently and none of the men around me have helped towards my shitty situation. Without any fit blokes numbers I have to force myself to cheer up and get back out there; instead of doing something silly like texting the Great Kisser and begging him to come over. So; here's to being in control again and to forcing myself to do the right thing!
While I was in my deleting mood, I also deleted a load of celeb's numbers that I had. I thought that realistically I didn't need their numbers - it's not like I ring them for a chat so also erased (amongst others) were: Joe Swash, Nadine from Girls aloud, Dane Bowers and Calum Best. You know how it is, you swop numbers cos you promise to stay in touch and then you never do! That said I still speak to all of them if I see them out; I just thought it was time for a clear out!
While I was on my mission of emptying my contacts (and also emptying my brain), I deleted Scott Sullivan's number as well. That's just because he's too fit for his own good and he's another one I might be tempted to text whilst drunk and desperate. He's an ex and that's how it should stay. I don't want to find myself drunkenly texting him "but we had something soooooo good baby!" one night in the near future. I feel happy in the knowledge that I can now go out and not worry about what I might do! ha ha. My mate Emily Dubberley (a best-selling author) texted me today asking for my address cos she wants to send me a copy of her new book that's just come out. Of all the things it could have been about - it's called The Joy Of Being Single! Ha ha. That, my friends is EXACTLY what I need!! I can't wait to get it. We had a little chat on text and I told her how crappy I've been feeling lately. I blamed it all on men (even though there's a lot more to it than that really!) and she texted me back saying "Always remember how fab you are and don't settle for anything less than a man who KNOWS how fab you are!" That made me smile! Well said Emily but I don't think men have the brains to know a fab girl from a not-so-fab one; certainly not any men I've ever come into contact with anyway!! I mean.... Don't they realise how talented I am? I can race cars and dance and everything.....! ha ha. Blimey, I WISH someone thought I was fab! Oh to be truly loved and appreciated.......
Going back to Bluewater, I bought Jord a pair of boots for wearing when he gets his new motorbike. I can't wait til he gets it cos I will finally have someone to go out riding with other than Motorbike Paul (who is so mega-busy I don't get to see him as often as I'd like). Me Jord and Kyle had lunch in Ed's Diner (cheesy chips! My favourite!). We also stopped off for a double espresso half-way round as we needed energy for all that shopping. Kyle and I were totally shocked at the new "fashion" (if you can call it that) in all the high street stores. Topshop was full of ankle-length granny dresses. The new "in" colours are poo-brown, mustard yellow, sicky green and overall diarrhoea colour. We honestly couldn't believe our eyes. Now I know I'm not exactly a lover of covering up and my outfits can sometimes seem outrageous but blimey.... None of us could imagine ANY young girl wanting to wear a dress down to their ankles with long sleeves and a high frilly neckline in the wonderful colour of vomit. It was really weird. All the shops seem to be full of these dresses. I felt like something had happened that I didn't know about while I'd been away. It was like coming home to another era or alien planet. If you go into Topshop any time soon you'll see what I'm talking about. Weird. Very weird. Give me vests and combats and leg-warmers any day! Oh yeah, I just remembered, I bought three new pairs of trainers as well today! They're lush. I also bought two tops that I am blatantly going to wear as dresses. Fortunately one was black and one was white - not poo or bogey colour that the shops are so full of. If that's what everyone's going to be wearing for winter then I am definitely moving abroad. Being surrounded by people in poo-coloured granny dresses is not looking too exciting right now. Where have all the glam fun people gone?! And more importantly, where do they shop?!
I am dying for the day that clubbing becomes glamorous again. Gone are the days of PVC thigh high boots and feather boas. Gone are the days of wearing underwear to clubs and trying to out-do each other with just how far you can take an "outfit". I remember going out once in my bra and knickers (well, I did that last year, but I'm talking about the days of Ministry of Sound before I was famous). Those were such fun times. It was all about happy house music and dressing to impress. We didn't even do it to be sexy; well, maybe we did know how sexy some of the outfits were but that wasn't the main thing. The main thing was that anything went and it was about being different. Nowadays it's about looking the same as everyone else and if you don't then God help you cos you'll be slaughtered like I have been for the last four years. F*ck 'em all. I will never conform and I will NEVER be caught dead wearing a poo-coloured granny dress (or silly skinny jeans, or giant belts over long-sleeved tops - Chantelle "style", or pointy shoes or anything in fact that another person wears). I enjoy being different and I like to shock. I bought a set of Superman underwear today with the intention of wearing it as a clubbing outfit. Ha ha. It's a tiny knicker and vest set in blue with the famous red and yellow logo on. I thought I could wear it with a pair of red stripper boots and red stockings. Ha ha. Whether I dare to do it or not remains to be seen (cos nowadays people just can't cope with outrageous or skimpy outfits) but if the urge takes me then I will throw it on for a laugh. I love dressing up.
I'm still waiting for the right time to wear one of my sexy school uniforms. These aren't school uniforms in the traditional way of "sexy school girl" though - these babies are from America and they are full-on slut/dominatrix/whore school girl. I've got three different outfits. One is red and black gingham and lace bra, knickers and suspenders. One is baby blue gingham and white lace with little frilly socks and the last is baby pink and white with miniscule skirt and suspenders. They rock! They are the sexiest thing I've ever laid eyes on. Sometimes I try them on just to see how great they look. I haven't yet had the balls to wear them out but maybe if I hear of a "school disco" in my area I'll give one of them a go. They are Pussy Cat Dolls (a hardcore version) meets Jenna Jameson meets school girl. They are filth in a drawer in my dressing room. America is definitely the best place to go for sexy underwear and dressing up outfits. They do it twenty times better than anything I've ever seen in this country. Currently in my wardrobe I have a pilot, an air stewardess, a cow-girl, a fire-girl, a police-woman, a red-indian, a nurse, little bo peep, a circus ring-master, a gangster, a secretary, a racing driver and a French maid (and they are only the ones I can remember off the top of my head). They are all from America and are the best dressing-up sexy outfits I've ever seen. Unfortunately most of them are still in their packets (I like to get new ones every time I get a new bloke. Ha ha) but you can see yet another reason why I've never been dumped (although I have been rejected before anything has even happened LOADS of times!).
It's vital to keep things interesting and also to give your man what he wants. Whatever he wants - I got! If his thing is school uniform then I got it (and I've got the very best!). If it's a police woman that turns him on I've got that too. You see, I LOVE to dress up and most blokes love it too. I've never come across one that hasn't but I have cum across plenty that have..... ha ha, sorry, couldn't resist that one! Bad joke I know. As well as the sexy uniforms, I also have an entire section of my wardrobe devoted to bondage and fetish wear. Occasionally I wear some of it out as part of another outfit; the odd rubber corset here, a suspender belt there but mostly I save it for having fun in the bedroom. There's nothing like dressing up for a bloke! Let's just say it makes for incredible fun! I remember one time I was seeing this guy who had a thing about stiletto shoes and frilly French knickers. He got a cab over to mine one night. He was drunk and I was sober. I was quite tired and although very pleased to see him, didn't really have the energy or will to do anything fun (I just wanted a quickie and a cuddle). He kept on and on begging me to dress up for him and in the end I begrudgingly stomped into the dressing room (not in the best of moods) and put on my highest pair of fetish heels (a whopping 10 inches of stiletto) and a pair of red see-through frilly knickers. I finished it off with a black rubber bra that stuck to my skin like glue. From the minute I walked back into the bedroom, I knew that I had done the right thing. Suddenly my energy was back in full force and we had the most fun ever! He appreciated it more than anything and it showed in his performance. He made me keep the shoes on for hours and.... Well, I won't tell you the rest........
So, Jord and Lauren have been with me all night. Now it is midnight and Tony and Pants have just turned up with two girls we all met in Cyprus. They are all steaming drunk. I'm kind of glad I stayed in. No point wasting a sexy outfit to go out and be disappointed. If I'm gonna dress up and put make-up on, I at least want some eye-candy to look at and it appears there isn't any. I'd rather sit and look at my pictures of the Fit Barman or someone. For me, there's nothing worse than spending an hour getting ready, going out and then being confronted with absolutely nothing. It's like the time I wore my one and only pair of £700 shoes to the Gardener's Arms in Brentwood. It's the smallest pub in the town and the youngest person in there is probably 50! Don't get me wrong, we love it in there and pop in there all the time (especially when we're doing a pub-crawl for someone's birthday) but it's not fun when you get done to death and end up sitting in there drinking pints of bitter. China Whites it isn't, and nobody who drinks in there is going to be looking at your shoes (my feet do look amazing in them though!)!!
So, everyone is now sitting in my lounge chatting sh*t cos they are drunk. I am half-listening as I type this. They're talking about all going for a fry-up in the morning. I'll give that one a miss but I do want to go to the new chocolate shop in Brentwood as I didn't make it there today. Tomorrow night I am going to get the most dressed up I possibly can and hit the town. Hopefully I'll at least see something that will give me an excited tingle (even if it is just a 'two for the price of one' sign outside the Slug and Lettuce). One thing is for sure; I'm not coping with the lack of man-joy in my life and it is very evident that I NEED it to survive. Some people need to go to the gym to feel good, others need to earn lots of money, I just need a man with muscles and a big one...........
See ya
Please God let me find a man soon...... I've been a good girl, I'm prepared (I've got the sexy underwear and everything!), I promise I won't break any more hearts and I promise I won't move them into my house... just give me a man SOON!!!!!!!!!
P.S Tony has just fallen over in my front room and one of the girls has fallen over in the lounge and knocked all my candles off a table. They are so drunk they can't even walk and we are now trying to get them to get in the car to go home. I do NOT want to be lumbered with this tonight. Only problem is that currently (as I type this) Tony is passed out drunk on my driveway and the girl is passed out with her head down my toilet. Nice. Any other time of the year (and if I actually had had sex any time recently) then I would be more sympathetic and helpful but as I sit and type this (totally ignoring the carnage going on around me), I just feel like I want them all to go away. Jordan is trying his hardest to get them all out of the house (I've just been informed that Tony is laying across the bonnet of Pant's car). They are in a bad way and I'm not amused. The girl actually fell over twice more before making it to the bathroom. Poor Pants now has to drive them all home. I would not want to be in his shoes now; for obvious reasons and also cos he's got whacking great size tens!!!
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