Sunday 4th March 2007 - part 2

The man hasn't swept me off my feet, he doesn't even act like he wants to see me (although has possibly led me on by telling me I am "amazing" all the time) yet I am sat here now stressing (when I should be out partying and snogging a 17 year old for fun) that I don't know if or when I will see him again, if he does really like me or if he is just playing me or if he is even a nice person. I'm sure he IS a nice person and it is more to do with the fact that I am a total lunatic around anyone half-decent but hey; I could be just day-dreaming (again) that I have met the man of my dreams and he just doesn't know it.

I wish I could act normally around people I REALLY like. If I could then I wouldn't have a single problem in life. Unfortunately, years of being shat on by men has made me very wary, untrusting and needy. He is telling me to slow down and chill out and that we are "seeing" each other when I just want to pick up the phone and either scream at him that it's over (so as to save myself the stress) or beg him to come round and make love to me (and then spend the night cuddling and laughing and getting excited over what the future holds). Unfortunately neither is going to happen. I am too mush of a wimp to end it (for fear of never feeling again so strongly in my heart that this one is different) and I have too mush pride to ever beg him for anything again. The bottom line is that I am still a woman with self-respect (hence why you will never see pictures of me with no knickers on, getting out of a car at a red carpet event) and I still have a (tiny) shred of dignity. I chased him for a week and got told to "calm down" - now it's his turn to chase me (if he actually wants to).

The shame of it all is that because he has now told me to "calm down" - I won't allow myself to get too close. He actually said to me the other night "why are you being so cold?" (after he had told me to slow down, I wasn't being as affectionate - understandable really from anyone's point of view). The reason it's a shame is that the only way I can trust someone is if I know everything I feel I need to know about a person. If he won't allow me that privilege (and makes me feel like I'm "checking up on him" by asking him what he's been up to) then I just don't know how to behave. Do I treat him like a very good-looking F*ck-buddy? Do I give him his "space" only to trust him less and less as time goes on? Do I walk away now (and save myself the hurt) or do I chill out, do as he wishes and miss out on all the snogging-17-year-old fun while I'm out?

By chilling out I could possibly let him see the real me, he could fall in love with me and I could have the happy ending I always dreamed off. Though, of course; that isn't guaranteed because by chilling out; I also run the risk of having my heart well and truly smashed to smithereens, being a crying wreck for a long time and in the long term, trusting men even less than I already do. Oh God.... My brain hurts. My back is full of knots and my stomach feels empty (though that's because I haven't eaten today!).

On that note I am going to go back to the pub where all my friends are. Kyle is due to arrive any second and I know that he will have me laughing in two seconds flat. I am also going to book a flight tomorrow to go and see Linsey in Marbella. I asked the man to come with me but he doesn't seem that bothered and rather than wait to hear from him; I think I just need to go and let Linsey set me up with some random footballer (who I know I won't be interested in, but who will at least have lots of money and a fit body).

This whole outburst came from a text from Sarah anyway (I am scared that she is totally psychic and can read my every thought). It said: "Just a text to say I'm always here for you any day, any time. Whether you wanna call for a chat or meet up or even come to mine to get out of Brentwood. And to say I would do anything for you to make you happy so if you ever need anything all you need to do is ask. Love you so much x x x"

I replied saying " I need to cry now!" and she sent back "It makes me sad to see you sad that's all. I'd do anything to make you happy cos I love you so much. And anyone who doesn't appreciate what an amazing, beautiful and inspiring person you are and who doesn't want to make you happy, doesn't deserve you x x x x"

She scares me more than the beautiful man cos she sees straight through me! I was fine til she texted me. I was drunk in the pub with all my mates and I hadn't even thought about the man (well, that's a lie; but I had only thought "it would be sooooooo amazing if he text and wanted to see me, if only to have amazing sex or a really nice cuddle later tonight"). I do feel a bit sad right now but only because of my own behaviour and weirdness. If I could act like a normal human being then I wouldn't have these problems but then I suppose that is the price of fame (and of being sh*t on by men all my life).

Hey ho - another one bites the dust (probably). I have killed it myself and I have done it so as not to be hurt. Perhaps I am right in what I said above (that he never deserved me anyway - not that he'll ever think that cos all he'll think is "I've had a lucky escape from what is clearly a nutter!"). Whatever happens I know I'll be alright though. I always am. Nothing ever gets me down for too long. It's nothing another few vodkas and a karaoke session in the pub won't fix (or worse comes to worse - a sky dive! Throwing myself out of a plane makes me feel incredibly powerful)! Life goes on. Another day, another trial sent to test me and make me stronger (or weirder). I really am off now to join my friends. I might pull a bird tonight (me thinks I won't have HALF these problems if I turn lesbian). Hope you had a great weekend and didn't spend it consumed with thoughts about the most amazing man you've ever met (or by thoughts of how freaking mad you are that you scare away all the decent people). I don't even know what I want now. I DO know I want a man to sweep me off my feet. Whether it end up being this one or not.... Well only time will tell.

All my love to you

Jodie x x x

P.S Quote for the day: "I am a lunatic; I have no rules, I have no boundaries. Life is but a game and we are to make the most of it. When it is done and dusted, we should know that we had fun, we conquered all the sh*t that was thrown at us and we made a difference. Kill everything with kindness and smother everyone with love - one day someone WILL appreciate it, and if they don't then at least you can go to your grave knowing that you gave it your all, you did your best and you kept it real" Jodie Marsh; best-selling author, glamour model, TV presenter, daughter, sister, friend, ambassador to 8 charities, motorbike-riding nut-job and total raving lunatic.........

Mwah! x

P.P.S sorry if there are spelling mistakes in here. I'm too drunk to care. I won't be checking this (although no doubt I will be doing another blog tomorrow starting with "oh dear....." and finishing with "he ended it and I am now crying into my pillow"). God save me from this life of superficiality, distrust and hate. I just want to dance and smile forever more.......

P.P.P.S why can't a GOOD man sweep me off my feet? I get every poncing, fame-seeking loser on the face of the planet - I just never seem to get the good ones. Here's to a fresh start...... This time next year I will be married to a wonderful man. I am not going to be scared of the amazing ones anymore. I will force myself to not act like a freak and I will find someone worthy. Mark my words, I WILL find a man prepared to fight for me and I don't mean in a nightclub full of drunkards - I mean one who will do ANYTHING it takes to be with me (which really just means he'll come and see me at 2am when I'm tired and sad and in need of a cuddle cos that's all I want in life).....