4th March 2007

I have met a very special man, I want to cry and I need salvation. My soul is parched (and ruined) and I am booking a flight to Marbella........

Oh my God.... Where do I start?? I'd like to say I'm happy - but I'm not. Here's the thing...... I like a man. Not just any man. A man who has messed with my mind..... A man who has consumed everything I do. A man who (for the first time in 14 years, I might add) might actually be able to break my heart. Help....... No seriously...... HELP!!!!!

I am drunk right now. It's Jordan's birthday and I have been drinking since about 3pm. It's now 8.30pm and I have come home to write a blog as I can't function normally until I get a few things off my chest (let's not make any bones about the fact that my blog is therapy to me and NOTHING else). I will probably regret this in the morning but heck; I'll deal with that then.

So... there's a man. He's not just any man; he's the best-looking man I've ever seen in my life. He's drop-dead gorgeous in fact. I met him a while ago (I don't want to go into the details of how we met or who he is - drunk as I am; I know that would be a big mistake). He's also really nice, kind, intelligent, caring, funny, warm, talented, sweet, sexy, loving and cares about his family more than anything (a MAJOR plus point). We've been seeing each other on the sly for a week. So, you ask; what's my problem? How could I possibly be unhappy? It seems I have it all! Erm... no. my problem is this......

For fourteen years I have avoided getting involved with anyone on my level (whether that be; looks-wise, intelligence-wise, career-wise or personality-wise). I have done this to avoid being hurt (ever since my loving and trusting heart got smashed into a million pieces when I walked in on my first boyfriend shagging my best friend on the sofa). It's a self-defence mechanism I have that stops me from going near anyone who might actually stand a chance of getting close to my heart (I don't want it broken EVER again - I know that feeling - don't like it - don't want it!). Therefore, subconsciously, I have gone for men who I know deep down (that even if I walked in on them shagging my best mate) couldn't hurt me. The only time in fourteen years I have genuinely cried over a man is over Max Beesley. I have cried over others but probably because I feel frustrated at myself more than over anything they have actually done. Max was the only one who came even half-way close to stealing my heart. He got under my skin, he was there when I needed him, he made me laugh every day and he liked me for me. I cried for 2 weeks solid when we split and I vowed to myself then (for the second time in my life) that I would never fall in love, for fear of never getting over it when it ended (which it inevitably does). My pain over Max was a physical pain in the pit of my stomach that I thought would never go away. It hurt so bad I honestly think that being stabbed might have been less painful.

So, going back to this man I met. For some reason; when I truly like someone, I can't be myself with them. So mush so that I either act like a psycho stalker, a moody bitch or a paranoid wreck. With every other man I meet, I am totally myself and they fall in love with me and I hurt them. Why is this? I can't be alone in this, surely? I have avoided (at all costs) being with anyone who stood even half a chance of getting under my skin.

Here's the main problem: I have acted like a weirdo from the first day I met him. I have alternated between needy, paranoid wreck to cold moody bitch. He hasn't even seen 2% of how nice (and fun) I am (99% of the time)! He hasn't seen my patience in dealing with the shit that gets thrown at me every day. He hasn't seen my positivity and happiness and outrageousness, he hasn't even seen my hyperactivity. He doesn't know how mush love I have to give (if only I could get over my fear of being hurt) and he doesn't know how well I would treat him (if only I could act normally around him). I have spent a full week doing my best to push him away and to turn him off me. Why?

Because I'm scared of falling for someone? Yes. But it's more than that. I think deep down that I don't really think I'm worthy of him. Let's not forget that underneath the fame and money and stupid outfits; I am a geek! I am the clever kid at school who got picked on for being clever (and for being ugly), who still occasionally thinks of herself as that and who probably thinks she doesn't deserve anyone good or nice (and who when someone good and nice comes along, treats them as if they aren't to be trusted and tries to put them through every kind of painful test imaginable).

For a week I was really full on with him (my normal self then!) but I didn't think I was being too full-on. I asked him to call me before he went to bed each night (not in a stalkerish way but in a way that I genuinely think that's a nice thing to do - it shows you are thinking of each other). He then told me I WAS being too full-on and I backed off. I backed off so mush that my barriers (which for the first time in 14 years were down) went straight back up and I began to feel like I wasn't interested (I started to think that perhaps I SHOULD go on that date with that bloke I'm not really interested in but who might show me a good time for a while until I get bored and move on). I don't know why my barriers went down in the first place to be honest. Perhaps it was that I finally wanted to face my biggest fear in life (to be hurt or rejected). Perhaps he was just so amazing and different (and out of my league) that I wanted to give it a go anyway (it was worth the possible pain to try and make a go of it and have a lifetime of happiness), perhaps it was even that I have grown up and realised that if you don't try the things that scare you then you will never grow as a person??? I don't know. I wish I did know. The point is that I let my barriers down and I acted like a freak. Because of this I have quite possibly lost the one thing I have always wanted but been too scared to go for.

You can keep your Dave Doyles and your Frans. They don't mean Jack to me. They never did. I convinced myself they were what I wanted because I knew that they were never worthy of me and therefore couldn't hurt me. I thought that guaranteed future happiness because although I had settled for second best; they could never make me cry and surely, to never cry means happiness, no?

The other reason (I know I'm all over the place here but bear with me - I've had four vodkas!) I was full-on is that (as you all know), I find it really hard to trust people. I need to know what someone is doing or who they are with in order to be able to trust them. If I don't hear from them for 3 days then automatically I assume the worst (not surprising really when you look at the d*cks I've been out with and what they have done to me). Plus of course, in the early stages of any relationship I always think that you SHOULD want to see each other as mush as possible. It's exciting when you first meet someone. They are the days of breath-taking energy, lust and butterflies-in-your-belly. If a guy doesn't feel the same way then of course I am going to think "he's not that into me!" I am sitting here now thinking "he's not that into me" but I am also strangely comforted by the thought that I have conquered my fear of going for men out of my league (and in the future know that I will perhaps have more guts when it comes to allowing someone to get close to me - although don't hold me to that; you might see me with another minger come next week). I am slightly embarrassed by my behaviour with him but at the same time I kind of think that if it was meant to be then it would have been. I get the feeling it is all over (he's just not that into me and I have acted so weirdly that I have probably ruined all chances of him wanting to get to know the real me). The reason I know he's not that into me is that I haven't seen him for three days. Not that long I know, but since he only lives 20 mins down the road from me and could have easily come to see me at any point, but hasn't (and hasn't even asked to see me at any time in the near future); I will assume it's finished. Plus, of course; I don't want to sell myself short on another bloke who doesn't deserve me, my love, my intelligence, my positivity or my crazy life. If he can't see through my initial weirdness (and understand why I'm like it - I HAVE tried to explain it to him) then perhaps he never was so right anyway. I'm not putting him down here (I am taking all responsibility for the fact that I have probably ruined a good thing) but I just feel like he doesn't want it enough (not surprising at all really) and that I am yet again wasting my time on a bloke who doesn't even "get it".

In amongst our arguments (we have had four huge ones in the space of a week - ha ha. I KNOW it's ridiculous), he has told me that he "enjoys being single", that I am "too full-on", that he "needs time to think about me" and "whether or not he wants to be with me" and he has said that we "need to take it slowly". Well, as you all know; I don't do slowly. Forgive me; I might be totally wrong but I don't see the point in dragging something out for 6 months that might be over in 2 weeks if only you spent enough time together. Let's not forget I've been out with a murderer, an alcoholic and many ponces. My life is too precious and short to waste on "seeing someone" slowly for 6 months (and being faithful) when there is so mush pleasure out there and fun to be had. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that he's not worth waiting for - if I knew for definite that he was 100% into me and couldn't wait to see me then I would wait a lifetime for him. Problem is that I just don't think he is and I'm not prepared to put myself through any more stress or worry in giving it consideration. I just want to go out and have a laugh without thinking "is he going to call me or what?" I don't want to be made to feel like I am just a "passing thought" or something to do when there's nothing better. I want to feel like a princess who has been swept off her feet by her knight in shining armour. I want to feel worshipped and loved and cherished (even after a week! Yes.... Crazy but true - no point being with a guy who doesn't care either way - that just KNOCKS your confidence - it doesn't add to it). In my whole adult life I have never been prepared to not see my friends over a man. I have always made my men fit into MY life. When I met this guy; I finally understood what "compromise" meant. I was fully prepared to not see my friends for the weekend (to be with him) and had made plans in my head for him to come to things that were special to me (ie. my brother's gigs). I was so excited (and scared at the same time) to have met him and I honestly thought that I might have finally met the one person who could put an end to my heart-braking ways.

I know this is too mush to be saying after only a week. I'm not a fool. I also know that I analyse things far too deeply and give things far too mush thought. I can't help it; like I've said a thousand times - it's the curse of being clever. I know I should just chill out and go with it but I can't. I need to know how he feels. I need to know if I am wasting my time. I know that all the things he has said to me suggest that I AM wasting my time (ie. "I like being single" etc) but I just can't seem to walk away without a fight. Some things are just too good to lose and I don't think I will ever rest if I don't at least show him the real me (the one that every guy falls in love with because I am so mush fun and so happy/full of life). The sad part is that I don't think I will ever be able to show him the real me because I still feel so nervous around him. I can't help but act like an idiot and a stalker because he is so lovely and normal (and drop-dead gorgeous) that I can't cope with it. I suppose it would be like Michael Jackson's biggest fan finally getting the chance to meet the man himself and acting like a total mentalist in front of him. Even after all the sh*t, I am still the biggest fan of men ever and he is quite possibly the best one to walk the earth (therefore I am star-struck). Actually as I typed that I realised that he hasn't even done anything incredible for me. He hasn't even offered to take me out anywhere (perhaps it is just his looks that have blown me away). He hasn't swept me off my feet, in fact, he has just made me feel inferior (he is so gorgeous that I can't even look at him sometimes, as it feels like I am going to burst). Conclusion? I am a definite weirdo and I need help..... hence my opening line to this blog