The moment I knew how wrongly we were behaving was when Dawn found messages on Ben's phone that I had sent him. Of course, being a man (and most men are weak, full of lies and pathetic), Ben blamed it entirely on me and made out that I had been the one to chase him. He nicely forgot to mention that he had sent me full on naked pictures of his erect old boy! He also forgot to mention all the things he had said to me during rehearsals (ie. when I said to him one day "are you coming?" meaning we were all going for lunch, he replied "I will be later if you've got anything to do with it" with a wicked glint in his eye). You see, when Dawn found those messages it kicked me into reality. Even though we hadn't actually done anything more than heavy flirting, touching more than we needed to during the routine and sending each other pictures; I still felt massively guilty and had a big wake-up call when Dawn found out. So, from that moment I backed off. I put a blog on here apologising to Dawn and accepting all blame. Even though it wasn't all my fault (if anything Ben was MORE in the wrong as he's the one who was attached - I was single which gives me licence to flirt with anyone I want realistically), I didn't want to be the cause of someone's break-up and thought that the best thing to do to was to put it right. The only way I knew how to put it right was to accept all blame even though it wasn't actually the truth. Luckily it worked. Ben and Dawn went back to being happy and sorted everything out. Even though I was gutted (cos I had already fallen for him myself) and it killed me to write the apology to her; not because I didn't mean it, cos I meant every word of it, but because I still had feelings for Ben myself and there I was handing him back to the other woman in his life and forcing myself to walk away. I didn't even get a "thank you" from Ben for my lies that saved his sorry arse (and relationship). In fact we argued a bit and then the first time we had to see each other again was quite awkward; until we had a chat that is and the flirting from him resumed almost immediately. He's a gorgeous looking boy so it's hard to stay angry with him and plus, my conscience was clear by then as I had backed off and I didn't see anything wrong with continuing the flirting. Heck the producers even had a go at us for "not being as flirty" as we once were and asked us to put the passion back into the dance.
I wasn't ever going to tell you any of this as I didn't want to get Ben in trouble, I didn't want to hurt Dawn and really there's no need. As far as the people who read my blog knew; I was in the wrong, I had held my hands up to that, I looked like a weirdo bunny boiler and it was finished. I was quite prepared to let everybody believe that was what had happened and to take all blame for the sake of saving their embarrassment and relationship.
Ben then told me (I don't even know now if he was even telling the truth) that he had confessed all to Dawn. He had told her afterwards that it wasn't just me. He admitted to sending me a naked picture and to leading me on. I thought it was very decent of him. I mean, to the nation I was still the one in the wrong but at least Dawn now knew the truth, I thought!
So, you can imagine my horror to discover that one of them or both of them had gone to a newspaper. The reason I know that it must have been one of them is that A. I know people everywhere in papers who can find information out at the drop of a hat and B. nobody knew about the pictures we had sent each other, except me, Dawn and Ben (and I certainly didn't tell a newspaper!). The story was full of the fact that I sent Ben naked pictures (of course it didn't mention ANYWHERE that he sent them to me too).
So what have I learnt? Well, I already knew that I couldn't trust anyone except my true friends and family so I haven't learnt that. Maybe what I have learnt is to tell the truth in the first place. Don't lie for people (even if it seems like the right thing to do at the time). It does shock me that they have maybe gone and made money off my back (which I hope they are now enjoying) but then most people do only think about themselves and about money I suppose. I feel a little bit sad and a little bit angry. I know that I shouldn't have sent him pictures and that I shouldn't have even flirted with him but on our first day together he told me that things weren't working out with her anyway. He told me that she had wanted him to pull out of the show from the minute she heard he would be working with me and when he refused, she made him sleep on the sofa. You see, he led me to believe that their relationship was completely on the rocks before I even came into the equation. Plus, of course, nobody can help the way they feel about someone and it was obvious I fancied him. The one thing I would never have done (and I made this very clear to him) is go behind Dawn's back; by that I mean I wouldn't have actually snogged him or shagged him. It anything was going to happen between us, he would have to have already split up with Dawn first. I finally asked him outright one day "are you going to leave Dawn" and he replied saying that he would come and see me the next day and that he would be able to come and see me lots as soon as she went away in Pantomime. I took that to mean that he had no intention of ever leaving her and that's when I backed off. Coincidentally later that same day was when Dawn found the texts.
Until Dawn found the pictures I was loving every second of being in Ben's company. I did want to be with him. I would have moved him into my house in a second if he had split up with Dawn. I can't help who I fall for and I fell for him; hook, line and sinker. The attraction I felt towards him physically was stronger than anything I've ever felt before. He made me go weak at the knees and gave me butterflies in my belly. I don't deny all of this. I thought I had the same reaction on him. After all, at the first after-show party, he didn't take his eyes off me once. He came to my dressing room about four times and he kept hugging me saying that he would see me the next day (he had told me he was going to get the train to Brentwood the next day). Everyone who worked on the show and got close to us saw the chemistry. Blimey, it was so strong you could FEEL it in the room! Like I said; yes I would have dropped everything to be with him. Unfortunately he turned out to be the same as all men before him. He wanted to have his cake and eat it. He wanted the nice comfy relationship with Dawn but he got off on being around me and leading me on (probably cos it was an ego boost). In retrospect I don't know how he truly felt; I can only give you MY opinion on it. And my opinion is that he did fancy me as mush I fancied him. We both knew that what we were doing was wrong and we both did everything we could to fight the feelings and urges. Ultimately nothing worse than sending a few dirty pictures happened between us but we both knew it came close (and also both knew how good it would have been).
Now, I am left hurt. Ben and Dawn have happily had a holiday (probably using the money they made off my back) and I am the one who, not only took the blame for something that wasn't all my fault but I am the one who has yet again had someone sell a story on me that isn't entirely true and that makes me look bad. I'm sure any girls out there reading this can understand what it is like to fall for a man, to desperately want to be with him and to have to walk away and do the right thing. This is all I did. I fell for the wrong person but I walked away and did the right thing in the end (ok it may have taken me a few weeks to realise that I was doing something terribly wrong) but even when I did the right thing I had it thrown back in my face. It hurt me to do the right thing cos at that moment the LAST thing I wanted to do was to walk away. Deep down I wanted to beg him to be with me. I wanted him to leave a relationship that clearly wasn't that great to begin with and to be with me for a lifetime of happiness; or maybe just a few weeks at least (ha ha - we all know my track record for getting bored of people).
Hey ho, another story sold, another weak man. I know that deep down to find a truly decent man I will have to got to America or somewhere I'm not known so that anybody I meet and get with will just like me for me instead of being impressed by the fame bullsh*t. It seems that every time I go abroad I fall for someone (or do I just fall for every fit man that comes my way? ha ha) but the reason I fall for people abroad so mush (ie. Fit Barman) is that they don't know who I am so when I form a relationship with them; it's real!!! They meet me and like me and we have a blast! To be liked genuinely for what's on the inside is the greatest feeling in the world. My friends all understand what it's like for me as they see what I go through on a daily basis (what with the total freaks out there on the street and on the internet). It's probably difficult for someone not famous to understand (apart from if you're a cool journalist like Caroline at Closer - who fully understands!). The thing is, if you're not famous you can rest assured (and probably don't even give it a second thought) that if you meet someone and they flirt with you, they are flirting purely because they like you. With me (or anybody in the public eye) there will always be that worry that the person isn't real. I'm not saying they're ALL fake but it's very hard to sift through to find the one out of every hundred that genuinely likes you. Everyone wants to be loved or even to have a lust or passion with someone and I thought I had that with Ben. I know I was massively in the wrong and I hold my hands up to that. What pisses me off is that he was just as mush in the wrong (if not MORE as he was the one with a bird) and yet a story has been sold to make ME look really bad (even though I was the one with the decency in the end to walk away and try and fix it).
Oh well - who cares. I don't any more. I'll just never make the mistake again of falling for someone who has a bird; no matter how gorgeous and no matter how mush they flirt with me.
I'm off to work now. I'm filming a TV show with Paddy and Lyla. Have a great day
Lots of love Jodie
P.S I'm sooooooooooooo glad I'm single! You can't trust men as far as you can throw them!!!!!!!!
P.P.S You really should get your facts straight Sarah Tolan before you write a story in the future - it's lazy, cheap journalism.
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