So, I'm home. I cried the whole hour-long trip to the airport. When I say cried, I mean I sobbed! I soooooo didn't want to come home. I think it is my destiny to live abroad. I feel so happy and relaxed when I'm abroad. I know that probably goes for everyone but for me, I genuinely feel depressed and sad when I have to come home. Especially when I've met my soul mate and I have to leave him there! It didn't help that the driver had a cd on of love ballards. I wept my way through "I will always love you" and other classics. Carolina just placed a kind hand on my arm and let me have my hour of weeping in peace.
I cried again at the airport, again on the plane and when I got home at 5am this morning I cried myself to sleep cuddling Lyla. She licked the tears off my face and I felt slightly better (only slightly though). I spent the whole hour's drive to the airport thinking about the barman and all the 'what-ifs'. What if things could be different?! What if he left Cyprus to come and live with me? What if I move to Cyprus?! I know I sound totally mad cos I've only known him a week and I know that deep down it probably isn't true love (although who knows?!) but something about him has stirred something in me I've never felt before. I feel like a part of me is missing now that he's not here with me. Me and him are two of a kind; I feel like our spirits are one and the same. I've never met a man, until him, with the same passion for life as me. We texted each other right up until I had to turn my phone off on the plane and when I landed I had a text from him telling me how mush he was missing me already. I cried again when I got that. I truly feel like he is the first person that has added to my life by 100%. Some have got close before, like Kenzie; he added to my life (although at times it wasn't anywhere near 100%) and probably the only others being truly Max and Scott S. In my own way, I loved each of them but deep down I knew something was still missing and that it would never be perfect. With the barman I felt like we were two pieces of a jigsaw that had come together after years of being lost.
However, I know that it can never be. He has such a different life to me. He wouldn't cope with the pressures and down-sides to my fame and I wouldn't cope with a million girls a night drooling over him and trying to sleep with him (which is what he gets). Plus, even if he came to England - what's he gonna do for a job?! The very reason he's so happy is because he lives and works on a beautiful island. He has made a life for himself there and he's mush mush more than just a barman. Over here he wouldn't have half the fun he does out there. He'd probably turn into a miserable stressed out w*nker who doesn't know how to have fun (like half the men in this country!) Joke! Seriously though, when he first left me yesterday (after the biggest kiss and cuddle) and I first started crying, Carolina said to me "You liked him a lot more than you let on didn't you?!" and I nodded. Not only that, but as I said to her; where am I ever gonna find another man who will bring me the joy he has brought me for the last week?! We sat and talked about men in general and she agreed me with that I would have to go to the ends of the earth and back to find anyone like him again and that I'm certainly not going to find one anywhere near Brentwood. Clearly I need to leave Brentwood for good. It's not doing me any good being here. The only things I stay here for anyway are my family, friends and dogs. Although realistically I can take my dogs with me, my family would probably follow me abroad at some point and my friends would either visit loads or eventually move away as well. I'm not saying this is all about the barman and I'm not getting on the first flight back to Cyprus but I have just come to realise that in this last week I have had more fun than I have done in the last 8 years. He has made me feel alive in a way that nobody else has in ages. He has reminded me that anything is possible and that you can truly do anything you want to do in life. He has reminded me that I should always be myself and that if people don't like it, well, then, tough!
Even a silly little story he told me (about a particular formal event) highlighted for me that he is me in male form (basically he ripped his shirt off and danced around topless where most people would have stood sweating for fear of not doing the right thing). The picture in my head of him doing that made me laugh for ages. I have come to the conclusion that people just don't know how to have fun anymore. The few people I do know that would rip their top off in the place he did would do it to get attention or to show off. I know that he did it just because he was frustrated at being hot and wanted rid of the thing that was annoying him. That's the difference. He does things that improve his situation at that moment and he's always smiling. Most people do things because they want to portray a certain image; whether that is to always buy champagne so that people think they're rich or whether it's to rip their top off in a public place so that people think they are funny. Whatever..... the point is, he only does things he feels he has to do and he always finds the fun and laughter in something. He lives for the moment and he doesn't fear death because he's having such a whale of a time now that he knows whatever happens - he lived his life to the full.
I miss him and I want him. I'm gutted. I feel like I was floating on a giant balloon and somebody came along and popped it. I have done the right thing in saying goodbye and leaving it at that but I'm devastated all the same. That said, at least I now know that I won't settle for anything less than a man equal to him ever again. I want life to always be as good and as fun-packed and adventurous as it has been this last week.
I can't even tell you why he was so special. One of the reasons is that I just don't want to share the special moments with anyone (I want to treasure them to myself for a while) but the other is that even if I told you all the things we did, you wouldn't understand. We didn't do anything I haven't done before with previous boyfriends, somehow it was just different with him. You probably wonder what all the fuss is about and I myself can't really explain. It was just a meeting of two people with the same mind. Two people who always saw the fun in things and who didn't stop laughing when in each other's company. Two people who in the real world couldn't be together but that, had things been different, maybe in another world, could have been the happiest two people on the planet. "Yeah yeah" I can hear you saying - I know I've "fallen in love" a thousand times before but honestly mum - this one was different! He doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, he has purposefully set out to have the most fun in life he possibly can, he has an excitement, danger and innocence all wrapped up in one fit package that makes me go weak at the knees and my stomach do little jumps when I think of him. I truly met the man of my dreams but I can't have him (for reasons better known to me and him). One look into his eyes made me feel on top of the world and I just know that he would never have let me down (like so many before have!). He truly didn't care that I'm "Jodie Marsh" - he liked me for me. We had a connection that I can't even explain; something that goes far deeper than just fancying someone and liking their personality. He had a sense of danger and just being near him was a thrill. Added to that though was a deep, soft side; he said things to me that nobody else has ever said and he made me see for the first time ever what I'm truly worth: that is; it's a lot more than being bullied or beaten or taken the piss out of or even just being unappreciated.
Anyway, enough. I feel like sh*t (as you can probably tell) and I don't want to depress myself any more. I'm going to try and cheer up cos I have to go on live TV tonight (Sky one, Brainiac). I've already got the puffiest eyes in the world from all the crying so I'm going to look terrible if I don't sort it out!
On another depressing note (although slightly different!), I woke up this morning to a text from Carolina saying "Jodie, I can't fall asleep. I'm still thinking about Napa. Thank you for such a lovely holiday. I want to cry and go back! See you tonight!" See - while I was crying myself to sleep, so was she! Ha ha. What a bunch of weirdos we are! Seriously though, words don't even describe how good the holiday was. My mates are the most amazing people in the world and we have mashed up Aiya Napa to the max! Now that it's over we all feel sad and all want to go straight back there! Oh, if only we could all leave our jobs and go and work with the fit barman forever more. Wouldn't that just be a dream come true! I know we'd all be happier in life if we did it but I also know that we can't just all up and leave.
Anyway, Jord and Russ are here now and we're going to go and get some breakfast in Brentwood. After that I'm coming home to lay down with cucumbers on my puffy eyes before I have to go and do live TV. Sorry if this has been a depressing one. I'm just not coping with the fact that I might have just met the love of my life and lost him again all in the space of a week.
Fit barman if you're reading this - I really miss you! You're amazing. Never change the way you are and never settle for anything but having the most amount of fun you possibly can (but I don't need to tell you that!). Keep climbing the walls (cos we love it) and keep doing what you do best (making other people happy). Call me when you're in England and we'll meet up (if my heart can handle being ripped away from you again!). Miss you baby...........
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