So, the barman has just left. I'm really going to miss his recklessness (and mental behaviour). He has been the medicine I've needed for so long (well, since all the boys in Brentwood became gay and I lost sight for a while of what real men are like). I couldn't get enough of the barman for the simple fact that he understood me, he treated me like a lady (but like an evil, naughty partner in crime at the same time), he was up for doing anything I suggested and he had plenty of ideas of his own too. One day I'll tell you everything we got up to but right now I'm going to leave it to your imagination because I don't feel like sharing the fun I've had. Let's just say it's been AMAZING, magical, naughty, reckless, outrageous and loving all at the same time. Why oh why can't I meet a bloke like that in England somewhere. Someone who will share with me in the pure joy of life. Someone who is up for trying anything and who will never say never. Someone who shares the passion I have for living life to the absolute full, someone who isn't scared of anything, someone who doesn't live his life by being home at a certain time to iron his shirts for work or who refuses to go out in the week cos he can't cope with a hangover. Someone who can show me a truly wild time and who can teach me something I don't already know about. Why God why?!!!! All I get are the slim pickings of a bunch of gay boys who start shaking if we so mush as kiss. That, or a twat who only wants to go out with me cos I'm famous.
I want a real man and I want one NOW! Fit barman has made me remember what being with someone amazing is all about. It's about being with someone who truly adds to your life instead of taking away from it (like so many of my hideous boyfriends have done). It's about loving someone's company so mush that you can spend every minute of every day with them and still look at them with love in your eyes. It's about being proud of someone and wanting to be near them at all times. It's about agreeing and laughing and sharing with each other your own experiences. It's so strong it almost feels like you can see their soul and you have known them all your life.
I'm not saying I'm in love with fit barman (after all it has only been a week and I am now grown up enough to know that it probably isn't true love) but he has awakened in me the desire to love someone with all my heart. Someone who loves me back exactly the same way. Someone who loves everything about me and who wants nothing but to share in the pleasure of life and everything it throws at you. for so long I have been with people for all the wrong reasons. I have been with men who protected me from all the bullies, I have been with men who took advantage of me at the lowest point of my life and I have been with men just because I didn't want to be on my own. Every minute I have spent with fit barman out here has been purely because I wanted to and he has brought me nothing but laughter and happiness. He has shown me how amazing it can be to be with someone for the right reasons.
I am gutted that I'm leaving him here. A part of me does want to drag him back to Essex but I just know it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Instead I have to be adult about it and hope that he visits England at some point later in the year.
We have just had the nicest kiss and cuddle and have promised to meet up when we can. I feel really sad (sadder than I thought I would feel) now that I know our fun has come to an end. I think the thought of going back to Brentwood and all the pussy-boys (who are more concerned with trying to command respect from their younger "crews" than with actually getting out there and living their life) is upsetting me too. I need to be out of the country for as mush as possible every year for me to be happy. The longer I spend in Brentwood the more miserable I feel. Come to think of it, I don't ever really even let myself go when I'm out drinking there. I have a little dance, maybe a little sing-song but nothing like the fun I used to have when I was working all the clubs in London or when I've been surrounded by similar people at various stages of my life. This week, every one of us has totally let go. We've been out of control and I've loved every second of it. Problem is, I'd behave like that every single day (even back in Brentwood) but no one else does. Tony is probably the only one who knows how to "have it" properly. That's not an insult to everyone else by the way. I think that sometimes people's jobs and situations cause them to be stressed and therefore, not able to totally let go to the point of nothing matters and anything goes. Plus, of course people will always worry what other people think, whereas I don't give a f*ck. I'd behave like I have done this week all the time if other people would do it with me. F*ck it - I'm going to behave like it anyway when I get home, regardless of whether anyone else joins in!
Ok, so I've had a little cry over the barman. I'm now sitting sniffing at the computer trying to sneakliy wipe my nose on the back of my hand and transfer it to my trouser leg without anyone seeing I've had a little cry. It's not cool but I don't care. I'm not ashamed to cry over something good that is now gone. Maybe I should run after him.........
He truly was something special and has made me feel a million dollars this week. All the others loved him too and couldn't get enough of his quirky, funny and dangerous behaviour. Last night we all clubbed together to give him a big fat tip to say thank you for looking after us. It's the very least we could do. He has got us into all the clubs for free, given us free drinks in his bar and even got us free drinks in the nightclubs. He has thrown a million people out of the bar for being rude to one or more of the gang and he has jumped in and stopped people from kicking off at us (for no reason, I might add!). He has walked us all home at the end of the night to make sure we are safe and has given us 24 hour protection in the form of a load of giant Cypriot doormen. Of course, he has also shown me the best time I've had in years! He's reminded me what life is all about (and to give you a clue, it's not chasing a boy round Brentwood who doesn't give a damn about you and it's not getting drunk every night of the week just because you're so bored) - life is there for the taking. If you're not having fun, well then go out and do something fun. We all have the power to enjoy ourselves and it is only a matter of being daring and brave enough to toss aside other people's perceptions of you and to go for whatever it is you want. As long as you are nice and polite and always smiling, I've found you can get away with murder!!! ;) It is partly because of him that ALL of us have had such a wicked holiday. I now can't wait for the next holiday......
Everyone is now laying on the massive sofas in the hotel bar. I think they might even be playing cards. We are going to go out for a last slap up meal before we go. We've booked a really posh Polynesian restaurant. I ate there last year when Hoilday Rep's came to an end. It's very nice. After that we are going to collapse on the sofas again until we get picked up to fly home to Boringville.
Tony has just come up with the conclusion that our bodies program themselves to know that we were only here for a week. What he means is that somehow, with onyl 3 hours sleep a night, we have all managed to keep going and have partied harder than anyone has ever partied before. Now that it's going home time, it's almost like our bodies have gone into shut down and we can't face one more night of it (well, actually I could but only if the fit barman was going to be there! ha ha). So, we have worn ourselves out. We are all back to work tomorrow and not looking forward to it. I am definitely going to party this weekend but I'll party with a new-found sense of fun and adventure. So...... if you see me swinging from the beams in Sugar Hut - you'll know why!! Blame it on the barman.
Last night we went for it big style cos it was our last night. We went to 2 bars before ending up in a club. The group had grown even bigger still and we took over the nightclub! Me and Russ had a water fight and he ended up ripping his shirt off and dancing half-naked. Tony tipped his pint over his own head cos he was feeling left out! Me and Jordan light-weighted out and went home the earliest of everyone (I say early but it was still 5am when we left). We got take-away food and said goodnight at the door. Five minutes later fit barman arrived at my room and the food got totally forgotten. I woke up this morning with a portion of cold, congealed cheesy chips beside me. Filth. Me and the barman took a load of sexy pictures on my camera but that's a story for another time..............
If one word can sum up the holiday it is defintely 'carnage'. Pure carnage. Carnage like no one has ever caused before. It's been the best holiday ever!!! Ha ha - I laugh cos I say that about every holiday I have, but it really has been amazing. It's also been very special for me cos I have spent quality time with most of my best mates (Kyle and Lauren excluded). We are all feeling old now so we have decided that our next holiday is going to be relaxing in Barbados for 2 weeks. Suits me fine - it means I don't have to find a random bloke to take with me. If all my mates want to go anyway then I will book it tomorrow!!!
The next time I write will be back home in Dulltown. Though I have made a promise to myself that I will not conform anymore and that the reckless behaviour will continue on in Brentwood even if it means I have to party on my own! If I still feel like somthing is missing though, I'll just get on a flight back to Cyprus and marry the barman.
Lots of love and kisses and bum-hole licking
Jodie
xxxx
P.S Mum, get the kettle on... and use the posh Harrods tea bags from the back of the cupboard! Jordan wants marmite on toast with his. We've had enough halloumi to last a lifetime! See you soon. Love you!!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment