4th September 2006 - We tortured Russ!!!!

Last night was the worst carnage so far since we arrived in Cyprus. Tony is sitting beside me also writing a blog and as I looked over, he has started with exactly the same opening line as me!!!! It truly was carnage beyond belief though. So mush so that I am going to have to leave some bits out for fear of giving the parental units a heart attack! Ha ha. Whatever I am about to write, think ten times worse actually happened and you might be close to understanding what did happen!

After having a nice little sleep and a portion of chips for dinner, we got ready and hit the first bar at 11pm. Jordan had managed to find the one place in Aiya Napa with a live band so we sat and had a sing-song for a while before deciding to go onto our favourite bar and barman. Upon our arrival the fit barman had 8 shots of some hideous cloudy green drink lined up (which Carolina nick-named the "broccoli soup shot"). Ian, who has been drinking Ouzo all holiday, got hammered drunk within the first half an hour of being out. Normally if you order an Ouzo, you get it straight in a little shot glass and he has stuck to those and pleasantly sipped them all night. Beacause the barman knows us all (and our favourite drinks), he has taken to pouring Ian a half-pint of the stuff, and of course, because it's in a bigger glass, Ian is drinking it a lot quicker. It took him exactly one hour to polish off a whole bottle of Ouzo all to himself. You can imagine the state of him!

While me and Carolina were in the tattooist (more about that later), Ian thought we had left the bar and went off for a wander to try and find us. He didn't appear again until 9am this morning. God only knows where he went, cos even he doesn't know!

Everyone else got nearly as drunk as him (although we were still managing to dance a bit and have slurred conversations). Me and Carolina decided at around 3am that we NEEDED a tattoo so we went off to the tattooist (who is open very late) and begged him to do us one. We arrived 5 minutes too late though as he was just shutting shop when we got there. He told us to come back tonight at 2am and he'll do it. I'm still hell-bent on getting the word "fearless" somewhere.

Pant's new bird joined us at some point during the night. I think he's in love! Ha ha. They sat and shared a portion of cheesy chips. Bless!

Tony spent most of the night chatting up two birds but then got too drunk to actually do anything with either of them. I completely missed it, but the boys told me with delight that he projectile-vomited at around 6am this morning. Apparently the sick flew 6 feet in the air and all of them said that they had NEVER seen anything like it in their lives. They still can't stop talking about it, they reckon that, gross as it was, it was the most amazing thing they had ever seen. Straight out of The Exorcist! He also threw up a number of times in the bath in his room. Why he couldn't do it in the toilet, I don't know!

Jordan and Max disappeared at some point during the night, only to show their faces in the middle of Russ having his head shaved (more about that in a bit). It was around 5am. They stayed to laugh at Russ and take photos then went off again, re-appearing at 2pm this afternoon!

Me and Carolina danced lots and drank lots. She got chatted up by 100 men while I only had eyes for the fit barman (who kept leaning over the bar to snog me). All in all, we had a blinding night! When we went off to try and get a tattoo, I ended up getting in a fight in the street. Some twat bloke was screaming my name from afar as I walked arm-in-arm with Carolina. We were in the middle of a conversation so I didn't turn around. Plus, he was obviously just some pissed w*nker repeatedly screaming my name from a distance. When he realised I wasn't going to stop or turn around, he shouted at the top of his voice "you're a minger". Now, I don't normally bite on moronic statements like this (clearly I'm not a minger, having graced many a lads mag front cover), but being in a sh*tty mood anyway (having been harassed to death by a group of very rude Northern Irish boys half an hour earlier), I decided that I would have it out with him and/or teach him a lesson. In front of all his mates and a very large crowd that had now gathered on the street, I marched up to him and said "You've got three choices mate, you can either get your shrivelled little cock out and let us all stand here and laugh at you, I can knock you out, or I can get those Cypriot doormen to come and beat the living sh*t out of you until you can't walk". The doormen I was referring to were the ones of the bar we have been going to every night. They are our mates now and watch our every move. They have thrown about 100 people out for being rude to me and they would come running if I so mush as clicked my fingers. The silly little man then ran off. He clearly didn't want any of the above and was too ashamed/stupid/embarrased to even give me an answer. When I say he ran off, I mean he actually sprinted as fast as he could and didn't stop until he was out of our sight! Loser. His mates then all congratulated me on terrifying the life out of him and apologised profusely for his behaviour. They told me they loved me and I happily stood and had a chat with them about the fact that their mate would never get a bird while behaving like that. Well, that and the fact that he was so bloody ugly.........

When we finally arrived back at the bar, Pants and Tony were screaming in half-terror and half-amusement/excitement that it had just all kicked off in the bar too. Apparently the annoying Irish men had carried on being rude to the point that things had turned nasty. Two of the staff in the bar ended up pulling a tazer (stun-gun) and a police asp (a metal expanding stick) on the guys. One of them with the lethal weapons might have been my barman...... I'm not really sure ;)

Anyway, they were all 'seen to' and the night carried on. Before it turned ugly they kept coming up to me asking questions about Jordan (the ugly annoying one, not my brother) and I ended up telling them to please leave me alone. With that, they got abusive. They said I was rude. Me?! ME?!!! Ha. And all this coming from ten blokes that had pestered me to death for 2 hours asking the most annoying questions in the world and who, when I posed for pictures with them had asked me to get my tits out. Nice. One of them even came up to me and said "Can I just ask you one more question Jodie?" (this was after the 2 hours of non-stop pesterage from them) and then proceeded to ask "do you prefer coco-pops or rice crispies?" when I said "yes". Please guys, enough now. I know you think you're being funny. In fact you probably think you are God damn hilarious, but trust me, by that point I couldn't see any humour in anything you were saying. They truly were the annoying drunk person you seriously don't want to talk to at the office party! (all ten of them!) I have a better sense of humour than most people in England (I'd have to have to do what I do for a living) but after what I've put up with this week, I'm rapidly losing my patience with these ignoramous drunks. I mean, why come up to me with the opening line "I don't want to bother you cos I've seen you've not been left alone all night, but...." Well, then mate, don't bother me. Just by saying that you don't want to bother me is bothering me (especially when you then ask the same tired "do you and Jordan really not get on" question). You are wasting my valuable drinking and dancing time. I can't even get my own camera out for a group pic with my mates without a queue forming to take yet more pictures of me. It's as if they stand and watch me, giving me peace for five minutes (no, I'm being generous there; 2 minutes) before charging over to me as soon as they see me dance or talk or take a picture of my own.

I'm sorry, I know I sound like a miserable old cow and that I'm moaning a lot but really, even with all the hassle, I am still having the time of my life. The only thing that could make it better would be if Kyle and Lauren were here. And maybe Valentino Rossi.....

So, going back to last night. After drinking the bar dry, we took the remaining boys to a club and then fit barman and me walked Carolina back to the hotel as she was tired and wanted to go to bed. We then couldn't be bothered with going back to the club ourselves so we went and laid on a sun-lounger by the pool to have a cuddle. We stayed there wrapped in each other's arms for an hour and a half. It was pure bliss. When he eventually left to go home, I wandered back upstairs just in time to find Jordan depositing the drunkest Rusty in the world back at the hotel. Jordan was trying to make him go to bed but every time he shut the door and pressed the lift button to go back to the club, Russ opened the door and came wandering back out. Jordan was taking the room key with him so that he could get back in when he needed to, so each time Russ came back out and let the door close (and lock) behind him, Jordan had to open it again and push him back inside the room. Eventually Jordan lost the plot and was screaming at him "F*cking stay in the room, you f*cking pr*ck!" I was laughing my head off. Russ couldn't even speak, he had one eye shut and was falling over drunk. I have no idea why he kept coming back out of the room when clearly he did need to go to bed?! In the end, Jordan got another key and left Russ in my capable hands. Not a good idea when I was steaming drunk myself. Five minutes after Jordan left, I had the clippers on Russ's barnet. To be fair he did have the worst mullet in the whole world. We have all been on Russ's case for two years to sort his hair out. He won't listen though so I took the drunken opportunity to do with him what I pleased. An hour and a half later, he had a full-on Pete-from-Big-Brother hair do. It's shaved off totally bald at the sides and he has a spikey mohican running all the way from front to back. I even left him a rat-tail cos it looks cool. It is the BEST haircut he has ever had and everyone agrees. I didn't do badly considering I was smashed! The amount of hair that came off him was enough to make a whole duvet cover with. The only problem was we didn't think to cover the floor or anything else so the whole room, bed, balcony and bathroom ended up covered in a mass of long black hair. We had to pay the cleaner extra money to clean it up. Bear in mind, we are in the best hotel in Aiya Napa. It's not some cheap dump. It's extremely posh (grand piano in huge marble lobby, the lot!), it is all rich, respectable people staying here and we are the only louts on the premises. Though, what any rich respectable person would want to come to Aiya Napa for a holiday for totally baffles me?! I'm rich but I'm not respectable! Ha ha.

The cleaner wasn't best pleased when she saw the state of the room. And the poor love had already been in Tony's sick-in-the-bath room. Nice. We have handsomely compensated her. We sooooo don't want to get thrown out of the hotel!!

So, Russ looks a thousand times better than he's ever done! He might actually pull a girl now that he doesn't look like a cross between a 70's pornstar and a very dodgy Paul Weller fan. We got to bed at 7am and were back up at 9.30am when our alarm went off. We went round and woke all the boys (who were comatosed) and have been laying by the pool again all day. I fell asleep on the lilo again (it's becoming a regular occurence) and Russ spent all day trying to brown the sides of his head (which are transparently white from being covered by an amount of hair that would easily match Marge Simpsons for years).

It is now 6pm and time for my early evening nap. Carolina has already gone up and the others have gone to the harbour for their early evening beer. Tony is sitting beside me writing his blog still. I'm looking forward to reading his take on events in a minute.

I'm having the best time (even with all the no-mannered twats) and so is everyone else. Carolina said to me last night (after she had watched me shaving Russ's head) that this is the best holiday she has ever had. She said she has never laughed so mush on holiday before and never been involved in so mush carnage. She also told me that I am very sexy when I get angry. I don't think she knew I had it in me to lose it with someone the way I have done twice since I've been here. I never raise my voice when I lose it - I just calmly talk down to people and get in their face to let them know I'm not scared if it were to turn physical. She said I'm very strong, not scared of anything and she admires it. She also has let herself go more than we've ever seen before while she's been out here. We've been dirty-dancing together every night and driving the guys mad! She's gorgeous looking with the best body in the world. She has four stalkers of her own out here after only 4 days!! I'm glad she came with us and I'm glad she's loving it so mush. She's coming with me when I go to see Rossi next month. Can't wait for that one!

Lots of love from sunny Cyprus. I'm loving it, loving it, loving it............

xxxx