You will have to bear with me. I woke up 5 minutes ago dribbling into my hair on the lilo with the wrinkliest hands in the world. Brain hasn't quite kicked in yet......
Last night was probably the most carnage we've caused yet in Aiya Napa. I think we took over the whole place. Day by day our group has been growing. Six of us flew out here together but then Ian, Becky and her sister got flights on the same day. Max (who's parents live out here) also flew out the day before us and of course Jackie and George are out here (getting married). Since befriending the fit barman, we have also become aquainted with his mates and all the mates of the girls some of the boys have pulled. Our group on a night out now totals around 30 people. Our favourite new friend (apart from fit barman) is a guy we call comedy Matt. So-called because he's very funny and as up for causing carnage as we are.
We started off in fit barman's bar (well, that's where me and Carolina started - all the others had been drinking champagne with Jackie and George at the hotel bar for 2 hours). Of course we did all the usual shots and hideous bottles of wine fit barman gives us for free plus all our normal drinks. The best thing about last night is that George (a 7ft terrifyingly scary-looking Cypriot ex-army doorman) decided that he'd had enough of all the people coming up to me and took it upon himself to stop them from approaching me (just for the one night of absolute peace and bliss). He turned to me and said "You had enough? You stay there, relax, I stop them" before turning to my brother and saying "You want I kill them? Or you want I kick some arse now?" Quality. Obviously he wasn't going to hurt anybody. He just fended the people off politely saying "later" each time they asked for a picture. It was amazing to actually be able to dance through a whole song!!!!! Even more amazing was being able to talk to my friends without being interrupted by some drunk bloke shouting "Oi you, smile!" as he shoves a camera in my face.
God love George. Because we had his protection, we went triple nuts! By 3am we were in a nightclub; Tony was dancing with comedy Matt on his shoulders, Jackie and Jordan were doing aerobics to hardcore Techno music (no one knows why?!), Pants was snogging the face of his new bird and I was snogging the face off fit barman, Russ was sexy dancing (very gayly I might add) and Ian was dribbling into Carolina's ear. All in all, the best night ever! The very last song of the night was Town Called Malice where the DJ shouted on the mike "This one's for you Jodie if you're still here!" All 30 of us screamed the place down and threw ourselves around the dance floor like it was a proper mosh-pit. Tony was throwing comedy Matt up in the air and catching him at this point. We were screaming the way I imagine people scream when they win the lottery. Like we were all going to wet ourselves - I think maybe some of us did!
When all the lights then came on, everyone made a sharp exit to get food outside (it was 5.30am by now). I stayed behind for a minute cos the fit barman was talking to one of the doormen and comedy Matt waited with me. There wasn't anyone left in the club except the staff and a girl and 3 guys sitting at one of the bars. For a laugh, I said to comedy Matt "lets go and do a pole dance" as the four poles were standing gleaming in the lights and calling to me. He agreed and the barmaid (who was clearing up) encouraged us to get up on the stage. As soon as I started, the girl at the bar (who I'm guessing from her accent was Russian) shouted "get down you fat ugly bitch". I ignored it (as I always do when people get abusive - I know it's only jealousy!) and carried on. I wasn't even dancing sexily, I was mucking about with Matt and having a real laugh while we waited for fit barman. A couple of the doormen came over to take pictures of me dancing on their camera phones and I smiled and messed around with them. Another minute later the Russian minger was shouting again "I said get down you ugly bitch. Do you know how stupid you look? You are fat! You eat too many hamburgers" - with that I saw red. I'm not fat and I 'm not ugly so I still don't know why I bit on it but I did. I jumped down off the stage, got in her face and said calmly "the reason you are shouting abuse at me, you stupid c*nt, is that I am a famous model on the front of magazines and you are a Russian whore. I earn £20,000 a day and you earn £3 an hour. Now f*ck off and leave me alone you stupid c*nt". I've never been so angry with someone. I don't know why she got to me so mush. She was the ugliest girl in the club, in fact, she looked a bit like a lady-boy. I know for a fact she's a prostitute (she works in the brothel) and she doesn't have anything going for her. I know that her abuse stemmed from jealousy of the attention I was getting, the life I lead and how mush fun I was having so why she got under my skin I don't know. I should really have felt sorry for her but instead I wanted to kill her. Things then got nastier as she got more and more aggressive and I pushed my way into her face. At this point fit barman leaped to my side, picked me up with one arm around my stomach and dragged me away kicking and screaming. Even as he dragged me out of the club I was still sticking my middle finger up at the whore and shouting to her to "go suck some c*ck for £3". I think the reason I got so aggressive and angry was that a week of drunk knobs and weirdos has driven me to the brink of insanity. Under normal circumstances I would have laughed in her face and just said "don't be bitter, love!" or totally ignored her. Instead I let my anger get the better of me and acted in a very undignified and unladylike manner. Filth. See what being famous does to you?!!! It changes you. I'm disgusted at my behaviour but at the same time I still want to go and find her tonight and give her a slap just cos I can (with George standing behind me). I truly still can't believe how vile the general public can be.
It reminds me of a time when I was best mates with Gary Lucy (from Footballer's Wives fame). He was at the height of his fame and topping all the 'sexiest male' lists. I wasn't yet famous. We were on the phone to each other deciding what to do that night when I suggested going to Charlie Chan's nightclub in Walthamstow. It was the best place to go at that time. Gary answered "Ah babe, I don't want to, I can't face the general public tonight, can't we go somewhere more private?" I got annoyed with him and said "who do you think you are?!" I couldn't believe how arrogant he sounded and was hurt at his comment. I, after all, was 'general public' at the time. Today, after four years of being in the public eye, I totally understand where he was coming from that night and I feel for him. Ha ha. I feel his pain!!! It does take a lot of energy to stand and smile and have your picture taken a thousand times, while putting up with rude comments and nastiness at the same time. One girl last night was repeatedly shouting "Jordan" at me (after having her picture taken with me!). My brother turned round, clocked the fact that she wasn't exactly skinny (to put it nicely) and shouted very loudly in her face "Fatty!". Her mouth dropped open and she didn't say another word. I mean, what exactly does a girl like that think she's going to achieve chanting "Jordan" at me. Does she think I'm going to engage in a nice conversation with her or does she just go home to her mates and say "Guess what I did tonight - I chanted "Jordan" at Jodie Marsh all night!" It's not like they're gonna say "well done - good on you! That's impressive!" Ha ha. Freaks, freaks and more freaks.
On the plus side, the majority of people out here have been lovely and amazing. I'm still getting untold support about the freaks in Big Brother (it seems the whole world still hates Michael Barrymore, Pete Burns and George C*nt-away - ha ha - how's your political career going now you loser?!) and messages of love all over. One girl even showed me that she had my exact tattoo done on her lower back as she was that much of a fan!
Back to the amusement of last night, Russ did roly-polys in the nightclub (on the dirty minging floor) and ruined the best shirt he owns! Tony got up on stage and danced in the cage! We had an hour's sing-song round the piano when we got back (although I missed most of it as I was cuddling the fit barman in bed). Pants took sexy pictures of his new bird on my camera (wooohooo! They're going on the website!). The fit barman did a few tricks inside the club. I'd love to tell you what he got up to but I don't want to give away any clues as to who he is and if I tell you what he did, well then it might just be obvious to some. Although one thing I can tell you is that he ripped a fire extinguisher off the wall and blasted it all over the club. That was hilarious. I took pictures of him doing it. He gets away with absolutely anything he wants cos he knows the whole island and also cos he's so likeable. One flash of that cheeky grin of his and people melt. They try to calm him down when he's misbehaving and try to tell him off but they just can't do it! He smiles like a child (innocent and cute) and they end up laughing with him and letting him carry on.
When he walked me back last night to the hotel (after the near-fight with the whore), he said to me "If I was going out with you I'd end up killing someone!", a bloke had shouted something at me in the street and he had lost it. It became my turn to jump in and break up a fight. He got really angry and was losing it with the guy. The only reason it didn't turn into full-scale war was that I got in between them and the fit barman didn't want me getting hurt. He asked me on the way back how I cope with it all. I told him I just smile and get on with it. All jobs have their down sides. He shook his head incredulously and said that it would kill him to have to put up with what I put up with. It's not actually that bad. It's just when I'm in a party place like this that it gets a bit mush. In Brentwood, like I've said before, it's fine. I hardly get any hassle at all. Plus, the bad times make the good times even better!! That's the way I see it anyway. You can't have it good all the time. And..... when I looked around me last night, I saw most of my best mates having the absolute time of their lives, the fittest bloke on the island smiling sexily at me, we'd had free drinks all night, we've made lots of friends out here and Town Called Malice was playing. Life doesn't get better than that!!!
Oh... nearly forgot - Tony and Jackie got up on kareoke last night and sung Queen - Don't Stop Me Now (which is our other favourite song in the whole world along with TCM). The whole group surrounded the stage and sung at the tops of our voices along with them. Lots of comedy pictures were taken last night. Comedy because until we looked at them today, none of us knew what had been taken. There's 200 snaps from last night alone. It's going to take me 3 months to get them all on the website! They are the best pics ever though! There's about a hundred just of me snogging the fit barman!
So, today I have been floating lazily around the pool. I have had two pervert old men taking pictures of me on the lilo. They try and do it slyly but my finely tuned senses seem to just know when someone is taking pictures and I managed to give one guy the middle finger as he took it. He scuttled off highly embarrassed. I don't mind if they come up and ask politely but when people take it upon themselves to act like paparazzi and just snap away as if I'm an animal at the zoo, there purely for their amusement and picture-taking antics, I get annoyed. I woke up the other day just in time to see a woman take a close up picture of my arse on the lilo. Today I also caught a guy filming me laying on the lilo with his video camera. Again, he knew he'd been caught and shuffled off pretending his video camera had something wrong with it. I know that people get excited if they've never seen someone "from the telly" before but it's so God damn rude to treat me like an animal they can just take pictures of every two seconds. While I'm laying on a lilo chatting to my mates, I don't appreciate someone running up to the edge of the pool with a camera and snapping away like paparazzi. Just ask me and I'll even pose with you! Don't think it's ok to capture my every movement on your cameras and camcorders just because I'm famous. It's not ok. I'm on holiday with my best mates. I'm not working, I'm not showing off, I'm not begging for attention or limelight. I'm laying on a lilo trying to get rid of my hangover. Stop with the perving..............
Anyway, I know that I have missed out loads of funny things that happened last night but that is cos I'm so tired I can't think straight. A bloke next to me on a computer just asked me for a cigarette and I told him "no" with a look of disgust on my face. I'm in a bad mood today! ha ha. I'm also fed up with people poncing!!! I don't know him, he can go and buy some of his own and leave me alone. I'm not sitting playing on ebay or writing some weird crap on a weirdo internet forum; I'm doing my blog. That, to me is a form of work (and also self-therapy, which I clearly need). LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! F*CK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! No, you can't have a picture OR a cigarette OR an autograph. You are not permitted to even talk to me!! In fact, I should have had it written into my holiday contract that no one on the island was allowed to make eye contact with me or speak to me unless spoken to. ha ha. You hear about these mega-stars who do that and I can seriously see why now. I'm joking of course but I do wish people would leave me alone when I'm clearly pre-occupied with something.
So, we have a restaurant booked for 7.30pm. It's 7pm now. I really don't think I'm going to make it out! I need another cheeky hours sleep before I go out tonight for our last night of mentalist behaviour before we have to come home and work (boring). I am on Brainiac on Sky one on Thursday night - make sure you watch it! It's live so you'll be able to see my burnt face! ha ha. The fit barman has just phoned me to see what time we're coming out. God I'm actually gonna miss him when I go home, although I can't WAIT to see Paddy and Lyla. Jordan said today that he is really missing them too and can't wait to see them.
Oh and also there is a motorbike run on this Sunday. It's the Essex Air Ambulance and Probike run. It's from Essex to Harwich and there are some 3000 bikers who do it. I don't have all the details on me now but if you give Probike in Billericay a call or Essex Air Ambulance then they will be able to give you details. I'm doing it on my R6 and Jord's band are playing at the party at the end of it. I do it every year. It's the most powerful feeling in the whole world to be out on the road with 3000 other bikes in convoy. So.... all you bikers out there or if you know any bikers then get your arse down there. All the money raised goes to Essex Air Ambulance (they do a hell of a lot of work picking up injured bikers in their helicopters). It's gonna be the best day ever!!!!
Lots of love from sexy Cyprus.
Jodie (still smiling through the grief)
xxxxx
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