I don't know if it's cos it's "National Be Honest Day" but I've had some very frank and honest texts today. So frank that they've made me see certain people in a different light. They've made me understand things I've been fretting over and they've even knocked some sense into me. I'm not going to say who texted me or what they said but I've just found out that certain people are not what they seem. They are either really really thick (ie. Quick to text before using their brain) or they are just nasty and horrible. Either way, I've had a brain wave and in turn that has made me feel suddenly on top of the world!!!
Basically someone just texted me to have a dig. Someone who I thought I knew, someone I thought was a lovely person, someone who I thought was kind and compassionate. Someone I thought had a brain. Like I say, this person is either really selfish or really stupid. It's difficult to explain to you without telling you what I received but I'll try:
Basically a little while ago I saved a friend in need. I saved his bacon, saved his skin. However you want to put it; I sacrificed my own feelings and problems to help him with his. It wasn't easy, nor did I particularly want to help him but I did because I'm a nice person. I really went out of my way for him (even though I had no obligation to do so at all). I laid myself on the line and was fully prepared to take any flack that might have come with me helping him. I was terrified myself (bear in mind that I haven't exactly been feeling amazing myself of late) and worried that my efforts still might not have been enough to help him properly. Luckily they were and he got through it and everything was fine. I was glad to be of assistance (even though it totally drained me in the process). Now, today, three days after I've admitted to the world that I wanted to kill myself two weeks ago (and I know he reads my blogs), he texts me something so out of character and selfish that I cannot even describe to you how I feel right now. "Shocked" is probably the best word to use, along with "relieved", "amazed", "dumbfounded" and "flabbergasted". I would have added "hurt" in there but I'm so shocked I'm actually not hurting!!!
After saving his arse (and his life being all cushy and nice now) and after admitting that I'm having more than a few problems of my own; I cannot fathom what would make him turn on me the way he just did. I so wish I could tell you what the text said cos then you'd all know why I'm so shocked! Maybe one day I will anyway when I've got nothing better to write about (you'll have to keep reading to find out!). He knows I saved his arse, he knows I'm feeling like sh*t, yet for some unknown reason he has taken it upon himself to ask for yet more from me and to make me feel even worse!!! Well, he tried to make me feel worse but actually I now feel better than ever. The reason? Because I have finally realised that no matter how mush you do for people, no matter how mush you lay yourself on the line, no matter how mush you bend over backwards; people will always turn around and throw it back in your face: and that my friends, is the very thing I've been depressed about. You see, the reason I now feel better is that all the things that were making me depressed are true! I thought that humans suck (and they do), I thought there were no decent men left (and there aren't ), I thought that I'm too nice for my own good (and I am!) and I thought that something wasn't right (it wasn't). By him texting me what he just did, I have realised that people are everything I thought they were (and it's not just me going mad!). People can be vile and rude and nasty and selfish. They are stupid, uneducated fools with too mush time on their hands. Not everyone by the way (just the vast majority that I come into contact with). So you see, now I have just had it all confirmed to me that people are w*nkers, and that I shouldn't worry so mush about them. If I had thought about myself in the first place (instead of ruining something of my own to help him out) then I wouldn't have been so fed up!!! I thought I was going mad, when I fact I was right to be depressed over everything because all my life I've been shat on.
Well, nice Jodie is no more. By that I don't mean I'm suddenly going to turn into a bitch. I just mean I'm not helping anyone other than my true true friends, my family and my charities. Screw everyone. I'm clearly the world's worst judge of character! I'm not going to put an ounce of trust in anyone anymore and that way, if I expect nothing then I won't be disappointed when I get nothing. Do you know.... When I helped this guy out of a really awful time in his life; I didn't even get a word of thanks. I thought he was just a bit slow on the uptake; I realise now that he was just a pr*ck. An ungrateful, messing pr*ck. Oh well, it's just another one to add to my list of wrong-uns. Blimey - I do pick them! It's like I've got a sign on my head saying "I love w*nkers: if you are nasty, horrible, poncing, ungrateful, lying or a messer then sign up here for a ride!" I have DEFINITELY learnt a lesson from that. DON'T trust ANYONE!!!!!!! So, Kyle is here with me now laughing his head off. Like I said, realising how horrible someone can be, is sometimes a good thing. At least I know I wasn't making a fuss over nothing when 2 weeks ago I wanted to kill myself (largely because of other human beings). We have laughed all the way home from London. I showed him the texts (he knows the full story) and he is just as shocked as me. We are truly speechless. You help someone out and they kick you when you're down (sorry make that REALLY down). Nice.
So, aside from my horror at receiving the ridiculous texts (they were that bad I could have been mistaken and they might not have been meant for me, unfortunately I wasn't and they were), everything is good. Really good. I'm back to laughing, smiling and joking around. In fact I feel so good that I just know everything is going to be ok from now on. I've always managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with things and I've always left a trail of losers in my dust. Another one bites the dust (or rather eats it off my shoe while he's in the only place he deserves to be - at my feet!).
Me and Kyle are going to go and scare ourselves sh*tless with a horror film now and after that we're going to watch Dirty Dancing (cos it's the best film ever!). Truly, those texts were everything I needed to give me the kick up the arse I clearly deserved. Jodie Marsh is back folks. She's never going to let anyone take advantage of her ever again. She's seen too mush to ever be fooled again by a stupid man and she's ready for some fun!
Watch out boys I'm coming for you!!!!!!
Lots and lots of love from a finally truly happy and smiley Jodie
P.S - he didn't just rain on my parade - he MONSOONED on it!!!!
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