I've just had a really nice afternoon with Peppe and my other friend the owner of Sugar Hut. We went to the new chocolate shop in Brentwood and ate loads of cakes and after that I popped into Sugar Hut with the owner to show him the video of the All Star Talent Show. The owner made me laugh so mush. He told me some of the things I was getting up to on Saturday night (none of which I remembered!). Apparently he came over while I was dancing with my legs spread on the bar over the top of the DJ's decks. I saw him and sheepishly got down saying "sorry" with a naughty grin on my face. He said it was ok and then I asked him "babe what would it take (for me to do) for you to throw me out?" he replied "you can do anything babe, I'd never throw you out" and with that I jumped back up on the bar again to continue my stage show! Ha ha. That's so funny! I'm such a naughty minx when I've had a drink......
Hang on, Michelle has just texted me from Australia (she's the one who's fault it is I'm famous - she MADE me do Essex Wives. Ha ha).........
.....ok I'm back and she made me cry. Jesus when am I going to be able to function on a daily basis without crying?! Basically she told me that she's sitting in a internet café reading my blog and it made her cry bucket-loads and want to come home as she didn't realise what a bad way I've been in. I told her I'm ok now (but clearly I'm not if I'm crying over her text!) and that I'm trying to sort it out. And I am trying!!! Basically her text was really long and said that together we can move mountains if we try (she's probably right). She also told me she loves me.
She's just sent another one and I'm going to type it out cos it's beautiful:
".....Well then 2 weeks ago you should have contacted me. Come on Jodie I know I am half the world away but my love for you is soooooo mush stronger than f*cking geography. I guess I am like a mum who just found her runaway child; she wants to cuddle it for the sheer thankfulness that it's safe and yet at the same time strangle the thing for running away in the first place. I love you enough to be angry with you for not calling me as well as loving you enough to thank God that you are ok x x x "
I now feel terrible that I have worried all my friends so mush. I didn't mean to; that 's why I didn't say anything. If I was doing this to get attention then I would have told everyone how depressed I was feeling at the time and wanted sympathy. I didn't do it for attention. Instead I got a flight to Italy pretending I had to go and see Peppe, when really I wanted to try and sort out my mashed up head. I didn't want everyone knowing that inside I was falling apart. I didn't want to worry anyone or burden them with my problems. I just needed to try and work them out for myself and to try and make sense of why I was feeling like that. I knew that nobody else could help me and I knew that there was no point in telling anyone. I hate to be a burden on people anyway and unleashing my mountain of fear, anxiety, stress and loneliness on anybody at all would have just made me feel worse. That's why I knew that 4 days on my own at the top of a mountain would hopefully sort me out. I had nothing to do but think about all the things that have depressed me and all the things I have done wrong. It worked and I did come back with a clearer head. That's not to say I am happy about being here in England (cos I'm not, it's still as boring as nasty as when I left) but I am happier in myself. Like I said before, I think everything just got on top of me. It's like being released from years and years of stress and torture. All my life it's been one thing after another what with the bullying, the beatings, the murders. Now I don't have anything wrong with me (or anything bad happening around me) and suddenly it all comes crashing down. Go figure?! I don't know, maybe it is just pent up frustration and worry that's suddenly come tumbling out. I'm just sorry I had to worry all my friends and family because I never wanted to do that (hence why I went off to Italy under the pretence of needing another holiday). I'm also slightly embarrassed that it's suddenly become such a big deal. I mean, I know wanting to kill yourself is quite a big deal but I think deep down I knew I wouldn't actually go through with it. I knew that given time alone I would work it all out for myself and that I would find something to look forward to.
So, I'm sorry Michelle that I didn't tell you but I didn't tell anyone. The only reason Lauren and my family knew anything was wrong was probably because they are around me every day and could see a change in me. And I don't want anyone else to worry because I really am over the worst of it. I still feel a little sad and I still feel sexually frustrated (and in desperate need of a cuddle from a big strong man) but other than that I'm fine. I won't be doing anything silly (unless you count buying a quad bike as silly) and I am gradually learning to deal with all the things I thought I had long ago buried deep within me. I know that everyone who truly knows me thinks I'm really strong but for a few weeks I didn't feel strong; I felt very weak and lonely and scared. I'm sure it's something that everyone goes through at least once in life and hopefully I won't go through it again. I WANT to be strong and I know I will be strong. Just for a minute there I wasn't sure if I could actually cope with all the things flying around in my head. Now that I have managed to work most of them out; I know I'm going to be ok. I know that my friends care for me more than is humanly possible and I love them so mush it hurts.
Back to nice things: I think it's hilarious that I acted so outrageously on Saturday. That is exactly what I needed to take my mind off everything. I know that the whole club got an eyeful of my knickers and I'm slightly embarrassed about that (although only very slightly as they were Pink Piranha specials - white see-through miniscule panties). Other than the really bad behaviour (and all the women who were there and have probably been saying ever since "that Jodie Marsh is right mess!"), I think I livened the place up - it's exactly what it needed. Like I said to the owner "What is this? A nightclub or a f*cking library?" as I jumped on the bar for the third time. I'm right though. For me the best clubs have always been the ones you can dance on the tables at. There's no point getting dressed up to sit in the corner and sulk! If I ever got Ben (or any male dancer) to Brentwood, I'd fully expect them to clear the dance floor and let us do the whole routine from the show! Now that is my idea of a good night out!!! Speaking of which, the UK B Boy championship World Finals are coming up soon. It's like a break dancing/body popping/ dance kombat competition and includes the very BEST break-dancing and street dance you will ever see! I've watched all the dvds and it is truly something else! I will definitely be going to it if I'm not busy. These guys are incredible. They will truly blow your mind!! In fact, I know a few of them and I've even gone and watched them practise in a studio. I have never in my life seen dancing like it before. It has to be seen to be believed!
I'm at my mum's house now, they've just got home from work. I bought them some cakes from the chocolate shop earlier. They are the best looking cakes I've ever seen! Lauren is on her way over and later on I am going to drive to London and pick Kyle up. There is a Closer magazine party on tonight which I was going to go to but have now decided to give it a miss. I can't face the thought of being mobbed by paparazzi (my eyes are a little puffy from all the texting with Michelle) and Kyle doesn't finish work til late (by which time the party will be pretty mush over). Sorry Closer mag, I'd have loved to put in an appearance (and turn it into a proper party by dancing on the tables!) but right now I'd rather sit and talk to Kyle (who never fails to have me laughing hysterically). He's coming to stay for the next two days and I'm very happy about that. In fact, I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing (apart from lying on the beach in Barbados with a fit bloke). So, I hope that the party goes well tonight and I hope everyone who goes has fun. I'm going to be laughing my arse off in a few hours with Kyle (oh, if only he was straight!) and I'm going to probably write another blog at some point tonight. Writing all of this is the only thing keeping me sane right now!! I can't tell anyone how I really feel; I can write it all down though!! Weird.
Lots of love and kisses
Jodie
xxxxx
P.S in my book it IS still National Be Honest Day - I hope you are all being honest out there folks!!!!
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