I haven't been entirely honest with you. Remember in a recent blog I said that I'm very good at putting a brave face on?! Well that's what I've been doing for the last year, but more so, for the last few weeks. You see, I've actually been very depressed. I don't know why. Maybe it's all the years of sh*t that have finally come on top of me, maybe it's the lack of man-joy. Whatever the reason though, I've been so bad recently that I've actually considered ending it all. Don't worry, I'm not mental and I won't end it! I have just felt immense sadness. I think it all started with Big Brother. I mean, as you all know January is a very tough time for me (and for anyone who knew or was related to Kim). I'm not the happiest person in January anyway and I don't cope with things very well. To go into a mad-house full of c*nts (which, lets face it is what they were) and to be bullied and singled out the way I was (for no reason other than they were so f*cking insecure themselves that they needed to form gangs - like wolves picking on a lone sheep) at that time of year was quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life. I wanted to show people the real me and all I did was come face to face with some of the nastiest people I've ever met (not including my ex the murderer and the other murderer who killed Kim). Ever since I have felt quite sad and if I'm honest; I've felt let down by the human race. Dennis Rodman even had the cheek to say to me one day "yeah yeah, we know, your friend got killed. So what?!" while I was having a little cry to myself - what a scumbag. You see, after Big Brother I carried on as normal. I tried not to think about it and I tried to move onwards and upwards. I have had some happy times this year, it's not been all bad, but I think what with the boxer being jailed for murder and with all the man-troubles I've had, things just finally got on top of me.
All my life everyone has said to me "you're the strongest person I know" but sometimes I don't feel like that. Sometimes I feel very weak and scared and lonely. I'm only human after all. The reason I am telling you this now is that I feel a lot better. I don't feel depressed anymore. Desperate for man-joy but not depressed! I couldn't tell you at the time because I felt so low that it wouldn't have made for pleasant reading material. The other reason I am telling you this is because while I was away in Italy (at the height of my depression), Lauren wrote me a letter and I want to share it with you, here goes:
...........It's late at night and I have to be up in a few hours but I won't sleep until I tell you all the things I want to, which somehow aren't easy to say.
I want you to know how important you are to me and know that although I may never be able to fully understand how you feel, I will always try, I will always listen and that I always care every day!
It hurts me to know how angry and sad you are feeling because I know I have felt that way myself before and driven myself to the edge of insanity. As I've said before, I was lucky enough at the time to have a friend who saw me through it no matter what, and now I know that the reason I had that experience was so that I could be there for someone else when they needed it.
I know what a dark and lonely place it is to be. I hope you know that I will always be there no matter what. Even if I haven't got the answer, I'll be there to sit with you, talk with you and shout and scream with you while you work it out. I don't care if you shout and scream at me; I'll still be there!
I worry that sometimes I haven't been strong enough for you and that in the times when you've needed picking up, I haven't been strong enough to do it. Perhaps someone as strong as you needs someone stronger to help them through life, and it upsets me to think that I may have let you down in not being able to do that; I hope that I am able to offer you support in ways that still help.
You told me last week that your fame has made you feel 'dirty'; as if people don't want you around, which is very sad. You make me proud to be your friend every single day with your braveness, your happiness, your sadness, your anger, your intelligence and your "fire" that nobody I have ever met can match. You have and continue to make my life worthwhile every single day by challenging me to be braver and stronger. You inspire me to strive for the best in life and you have made my life amazing. Not because of your fame, because of YOU, what is inside of you, that thing that is inexplicable. I am so proud of everything you are and everything you want to be. I know this may not change the way you feel but I hope when you are really low, you remember that you have made such an amazing difference in my life and that is worth the whole world. I hope you have straightened some things out in your head whilst you have been away. I've no idea yet what conclusions you've come to but whatever you feel, everything I've said will always be true and no one can change that. I want you to know how mush I love and appreciate you. That part can't be put into words.
Even reading this through myself doesn't feel close enough to what I feel or would like to say if I had the words. Again I apologise for letting you down when you've needed me. I will always continue to try and be strong for you because you are so important to me. All my love Lauren xxxxx
So folks, there you have it. I've been on the verge of killing myself (for reasons still unknown) and now I'm better. My friends continue to astound me with their love and support and I know that really I am the luckiest girl in the world. I did tell Lauren that my fame makes me feel dirty; it's true, it does. Sometimes I think that if I weren't famous I'd have a lot more luck in meeting nice people and genuine people. I'd also have a lot more luck with men because I would just be a pretty girl. Instead I am the one nobody decent wants to go anywhere near (probably because the decent ones don't like the image and reputation the newspapers and magazines have given me) and I am the one that the perverts and weirdos come onto because they think I'm easy (again, something the press have lead people to believe). Truth is, I'm nothing like the person the press would have you believe I am. It's not real. It's a cartoon image of who they think Jodie Marsh is or should be. I know that, it's just a shame the rest of the world doesn't. God, I'm not denying that I love men and sex but who doesn't?! But I'm also just a normal girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her (sorry but Notting Hill is one of my favourite films and that line does actually apply here!).
That's the bottom line; a man like Fancy Boy will knock me back (refuse point blank to even go to the cinema with me) on my famous image alone. He thinks he knows what I'm like, he doesn't want to be seen as somebody jumping on the fame band-wagon, he doesn't want the stress of what comes with going out with someone like me and he assumes that I will be high maintenance and nothing but a burden to his life. The reality is that I'd probably have been the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I'm using Fancy Boy as the example here because I've talked about him so mush it's easier! I am a skilled expert when it comes to keeping a relationship secret (by that I mean keeping it out of the press) and I am really just looking for someone to have some fun with and cuddle at night. It's no fun on your own! It's not that I don't enjoy my own company; I do. I love my own space and I need my own space but ultimately I think humans are creatures who need other humans around them (and most definitely need humans to love and touch them). Since I have probably never truly been in love (other than when I was 14 and I caught the love of my life shagging my best mate on the sofa), I think I suddenly got to an age where I craved it more than anything. I suppose all the sh*t I've had over the years hasn't helped either. I've finally got to that point where I want to share my success, money and home with someone who loves me and appreciates it. I mean what's the point in achieving everything you want to and not having anyone to share it with. It's not like I sit here in my house at night alone and look around me thinking "oooh, haven't I done well!" I don't. I sit here wishing I could find a man to love me and appreciate me and who would be willing to live life the way I do: pushing boundaries, thrill-seeking, helping others and having the most amount of fun you possibly can. All I ever seem to come across are men too scared or conscious of their own image to want to get to know me or stalker-ish men who only want the Jodie Marsh they think I am.
Lauren is right that I do have a "fire" inside of me. I feel it every day. I've also been told by many people over the years who claim they can see people's auras that I have fire inside of me. I know it's there because even as I sit here now and type this, I feel unsettled and twitchy. I feel like I'm wasting time and that there are millions of more important or more fun things I could be doing. I've said it before and it's true; I'm not happy unless I'm on the go 24/7. I've never given up on the things I want in life and my determination and ambition have always got me there in the end. Actually, I'm lying; I have given up on certain men recently but that has been to retain my sanity and dignity (Fancy Boy) or just because it was the right thing to do (Ben) - and I don't ever want to be seen as someone who does the wrong thing (apart from when a fat sweaty man shouts at me in the street and I'm too drunk to control my mouth). I don't believe in giving up on things. If you have a dream you should go for it 200% and if that fails try again. Carolina was asking me in Cyprus why I always have so mush energy and how I always stay so strong and come out smiling when so many bad things have happened in my life. She also asked me why I'm so confident that I can have anything I truly want. I told her that I see life as a corridor full of doors. If you try one door and it's locked then you turn around or move forward and try the next one. If they're all locked you just keep going until you find one that's not. Eventually you WILL find one that's not and you'll get to where you wanted to be. I also used the example of Valentino Rossi. For four years I've wanted to meet him. I've tried every angle possible, from getting my agent to call his, turning up to every Moto GP I possibly could (even flying out to Germany) and even sending him an invite to my fancy dress party (in Italian no less). Everyone around me told me I'd never get to meet him. He's one of the world's highest paid sportsmen and he's constantly surrounded by an entourage. I don't care about his money or fame. I'm just his biggest fan and fancy the arse off him. Anyway, like I said; everyone told me I wouldn't ever get anywhere near him. Until that is, a few months back when I blagged my way into the paddock at Donington and found myself being invited into his personal hospitality (with the help of a wonderful lady called Sally). You see, not only did I get to meet him and take pictures with him but we also swopped numbers and I promised that when he was back in London I'd take him out clubbing. I rest my case. If someone tells me I can't have something it makes me want it all the more. And when I do eventually get it, I'm not content with just getting it half-heartedly; I want it to be mine in a big way!
The same goes for when I sent my pictures into the Sun newspaper at 17 years old. They told me I wasn't good enough and when I did end up appearing on their front cover for my Page 3 debut, I was paid tens of thousands of pounds (instead of the usual £60 fee or whatever it is to do Page 3) and they had to beg me to do it! Where there's a will there's a way! And if there's a way, you can trust that I will find it.
The one thing Lauren was wrong about was "letting me down". She hasn't let me down; if anything I let myself down by making stupid decisions (ie. To chase after someone that already had a girlfriend - it was bound to end in tears for someone and that someone was me). Yes, sometimes I feel like human beings in general let me down (like Dennis Rodman with his disgusting remark about Kim being killed) but then I suppose you can't expect everybody to have as mush concern or compassion for people as me and my friends do. And it'd be a boring world we lived in if everybody was the same. Also, I suppose that meeting dickheads like him only makes me appreciate my own friends more anyway, which is a good thing. Without bad things and without these tests we are put through on a daily basis, we would all be very one-dimensional and uneducated. In a way I'm glad I've seen all the things I have. It makes me feel saner if that makes sense?! It also confirms to me that I am a decent person and that I will hopefully always do the right thing (again, when I'm drunk this doesn't apply). I do want to be a better person and I do want to achieve so mush more than I already have. It scares me just how short life really is. It feels like only yesterday that I was 16 and yet here I am at 27 trying to pull 16 year olds! Ha ha.
I truly am feeling a lot better. I scared myself for a moment (and I know I scared my family and friends as I have since found out that they called two meetings about me while I was in Italy). I still feel like there isn't anyone who truly understands me. I know that Lauren and others are very very close but unless you have been where I've been then you couldn't ever really know what's like. I mean, someone that was popular at school will NEVER understand what it's like to be called "ugly" for 6 years. The fear of just walking past a group of people who you know are going to shout insults at you never goes away. It's an emotional scar that will probably be with me forever. Mostly it's completely under control and I don't let it affect me but there are times when it surfaces and I feel scared and vulnerable and lonely. I suppose it's normal for anyone to feel like that on occasion (even without being bullied) but when I feel like that it just depresses me further. I don't want to let the bastards get me down and I don't want to be weak. It's my ultimate aim to be strong and happy at all times. Strong so that I can help others who aren't and happy for myself because if we don't have happiness then we don't have anything!
Anyway, I don't want to go on any longer and bore you all to tears, I just thought I'd be honest, share with you how low I've really felt and also let you all know that I'm fine now! I don't like worrying people (especially my family and friends) and I don't like being out of control. I'm glad I've managed to sort it out and that I am feeling relaxed and happy again. Like Lauren said, it is a dark lonely place when your brain deserts you and you can't see anything but misery ahead. Luckily with all the people around me, a strong (ish) head on my shoulders and lots of love I have managed to remove myself from the situation and realise once more that life is good. And it is good! I won the All Star Talent Show for goodness sake - for me; it doesn't get better than that!!!
I hope you are all enjoying life too and I hope that you can see lots of light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying those doors cos eventually one will work! I know cos I'm working my way through all of them!
Lots and lots of love
Jodie xxxxx
P.S ultimately my worries are nothing the love of a decent man won't fix anyway so I'll keep ploughing on until I find him!!!
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