25th August 2006 - Why I'm over Fancy boy!

Good afternoon people....

I am feeling rough as a dog today (yeah yeah, "you are a dog!" I can hear you saying already - enough with the bad jokes!). I went with Jordan yesterday to get a sunbed in our mates shop then we went to Sainsburys to get some food. I came home and Lauren was at mine chatting to one of the cleaners while she was doing my ironing. We had a right girly gossip (my cleaners are the trendiest, coolest, prettiest cleaners ever!) and we wound up one of their boyfriends by sending him a picture of me and Valentino Rossi (he loves him more than I do, which, as you know, is an awful bloody lot). The boyfriend didn't believe that I actually knew him, his words to her when she told him were: "You must be mistaken - nobody gets near him!". I've told him that if he's a good boy I'll get him a signed pic when I go to see Rossi soon.

After I'd eaten a ton of food I sat down with Lauren to watch Friends and promptly passed out. I think all the excitement had got the better of me (that, and the lack of sleep). I woke up at 9pm to Tony banging on the door. He was picking me up to take me to the gig. I powdered my face, sprayed a bit of perfume and went out in my trainers, legwarmers, dance pants and bra-top I had been dancing in all day! We picked Kirsten and Claire up on the way and when we got to Ivory Rooms I collapsed on a sofa. I didn't move (apart from clapping at the end of each song) until ten minutes before the end where I suddenly came to life again and ordered a double vodka-redbull. By the time we made it to the night club I was buzzing all over again at the thought of the TV show. I had a long chat on text with Vanessa about how excited I was and when we walked into the main club to hear "the twist", I was away with the fairies. I didn't stop dancing until the lights came up and the doormen were asking us to leave.

What amused me last night? Oh yeah.... You know they always say that you don't know what you've got til it's gone and all that? Well, an ex of mine was in the club last night. He didn't treat me particularly well when we were together and hasn't been particularly nice to me ever since. I'm completely over him (I was never into him in the first place if I'm to be totally honest) and the most he gets out of me now is a "hello". Last night he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. He starts asking me to go home with him and tells me he made a mistake with me. No... really? That's what they all say love. The guy is probably one of the best-looking guys around and he kept playing on it saying things like "where are you gonna find anyone as good as me babe?" to which I kept laughing. I quite enjoyed his efforts but there wasn't a hope in hell of me going home with him. In fact, he will never stand a chance with me again. It's funny cos at the time they are treating you bad you think that one day when they come crawling back (having realised their loss), you'll feel immense satisfaction but actually you don't. You just think "you twat.... You could have had me but you messed me about. Now it's too late and I'm not interested. I wanted you to want me back then - not now!" I don't have any hard feelings towards him at all, I just don't have any feelings. He's a nice guy (when he wants to be) and yes, he is extremely gorgeous looking but we all know looks just aren't enough. Now he can't get enough of me and I couldn't care less. I knew the day would come when he snivelled on my shoulder that I'm the best girl he's ever had (it always does) but I am slightly miffed that I'm not feeling satisfied from it. Oh God.... No...... please......No...... don't tell me I'm finally growing up?! Aaaaaaaagh! Hang on, that 's a good thing no?! Mum, I'm growing up!!!! Yipee!!!

Gone are the days of playing men and getting exactly what I want out of them. Gone are the days of feeling so powerful I can take on the world (no, actually they're not gone, I still can take on the world!). All I want now is a half decent bloke with a working sausage to keep his mouth shut and service this old banger twice a week. Ha ha.

I don't want no snivelling wreck crying about how good we once were together and I don't want any games. My life is very mush in order now. I have things I like to do and I have things I have to do. If someone can come and fit in around those things and add to my life then that's great but if they're causing me grief or taking away from my life then I'm not interested. It's actually one of the reasons I got over my obsession with Fancy boy. I had a real thing for him. He's gorgeous looking, he's nice, he's funny, he's clever he's got a good job and he earns good money (not that I need a bloke with money but it would certainly make a nice change from all the poncing gold-digging w*nkers I've been out with). I got it into my head that he would be the perfect boyfriend for me. Of course, I fancied the arse off him too but I had this thing - I thought if we were together we'd have been the most powerful couple to come out of Brentwood. And I was probably right. We still would be a powerful couple. We've both got a brain, we've both got the look, we've both got money and lots of friends. We've known each other years, we come from the same place. On paper it's the perfect relationship. Plus, I wanted him so badly that I would have given him what for in the bedroom! He wouldn't have known what had hit him! At times I wanted him so badly it hurt. It wasn't cos he was saying "no" to me that I wanted him either. The more I chatted to him, the more I lusted after his face and body, the more I realised how amazing we'd be together. We make each other laugh, we could definitely stimulate each other mentally and physically. We're two of a kind and there's no one else around that can rival us. That's what I think anyway.

So...... what made me see sense, get over him and stop stalking him, you ask?! Here's the thing: I realised that actually there are quite a few things that I wouldn't like about being with him. Those being, mainly, some of the places he goes and some of the people he's friends with. You know me, I'm like an ox. No friend of mine is also a friend of Fran's for example. It's me or him. I won't tolerate anybody close to me spending time with my sworn enemies. He's not friends with Fran but for some of the people I've seen him with recently, he might as well be. Also there's the issue of some of the places he goes out. Again, they are not places I would ever set foot in and you can imagine the arguments if we ever did get together. If someone wants to be with me and if I can't go to a particular nightclub because my murdering ex used to work there, then I can't have them just popping off down there for the night (without me) to get drunk for a laugh. I need unity and support in a relationship and it's not something I think he would ever give me. It's not that I'm controlling - far from it - it's just that I've been through an awful lot of sh*t in life and don't want to be reminded of any of it or have to go through any more. After my best friend murdered, an abortion I didn't want, being beaten up by a boyfriend (who's also a professional heavyweight boxer) for 4 years only for him to then kill someone and Fran taking £70,000 off me; I'm not gonna fall in love now to have them hang around my enemies and go to places I can't go to. I just don't need it. And because I'm not the sort of person to want to change the way a person is, I wouldn't want to go out with someone in the first place who did those things. It would be my worst nightmare to have to say "can you not talk to that person anymore babe?" My biggest fear in life (well, probably my only fear) is the people around me not supporting me and me having to ask them to be a better friend or else get rid of them. I mean, I'm all for live and let live but I can't have people around me who are also spending time with someone who tried to ruin my life. It's just not right.

Don't get me wrong, Fancy boy hasn't done anything wrong at all. I just realised that maybe going out with him wouldn't actually be the amazing relationship I had built up in my head. There are other things that put me off him too (but I won't go into those now). It might just actually be more grief than it's worth. Like I always say, I just want an easy life; whatever that may be. I want someone to love me more than anything else on earth and I love them back the same, I want to be floating on clouds every day and waking up next to them with a smile on my face (after a wicked morning session!). And of course there's always the fact that my affections weren't reciprocated. So, that dealt with and me feeling on top of the world - everything is back to normal. I'm truly glad we're just mates. He's a lovely bloke. Plus, who needs another failed relationship - this way we get to be mates for however long we want without the mess of what could have been a destructive relationship.

Sh*t! I'm definitely growing up! Six years ago I would have thrown myself at his feet naked and demanded that he shag me! Ha ha. I told you before, when it comes to men and relationships I'm either a psycho-bitch from hell, a stalking freak, a loved-up glassy-eyed weirdo or I'm the perfect girlfriend. Unfortunately for the ones who's hearts I broke, they got perfect Jodie. Ha ha.

The moral of the story folks is that if you take the time to really sit and analyse your own actions, you realise that you are a total freak, your behaviour is starting to scare people and that you really need to get a grip. Then, once you do that life can be good once more and you can make friends with people you once would have laid on a train track for.

So, I am writing all this actually because I am stuck waiting at my mums house for a phone to be delivered and I'm bored out of my brain. It's Jordan's phone but he has had to go out so has left me sitting here waiting for it with nothing to do but play on the computer. Now, my lovelies you have to be subjected to my analysis of why I loved someone one minute and didn't the next. Ha ha. I feel better even if you don't!

It's the Bank Holiday this weekend. I'm very excited. Every day is Bank Holiday to me anyway but it does mean that twice the amount of people will be out (so twice the amount of fit blokes to snog in a cheeky corner of Sugar Hut) and everyone will be in a good mood. It also means 5 straight days of partying. As a group we have decided to party until Wednesday. I think we might have at least one night where we all go out in fancy dress as well. Last week I went straight from a meeting with Tony in London to Sugar Hut. We were both in suits and we looked the nuts! Tony looked really smart and so did I but I sexed it up a bit with a totally see-through lace bra under the suit and my secretary glasses. It went down such a storm with the men that I think I might try something similar this weekend. I aim to please.....

Tony and Jord have just arrived back at the house to ease me of my boredom. I hope this bloody phone arrives soon cos if it does me and Tony are going to get another tattoo. Problem? Me? Never! It's just that I don't like the number 14. Fifteen is better.

Tony is now massaging my shoulders as I type this and it's the best thing in the whole world. If this phone doesn't arrive in the next hour I'm going to go through the yellow pages and find someone to come to the house and give me a full body one this afternoon.

So, I can't quite concentrate anymore as my whole body has gone limp. I'm going to sign off and let Tony work his magic on my neck.

Lots of love, have a great Bank Holiday weekend people.

Don't go stalking anyone or pulling anyone dodgy!! Do what I do and stay single. It's mush better that way - no upset, grief, misery or arguments. If you need some fun I can recommend a really good toy called "the Tiffany". It's gold and encrusted with diamonds. I know how good it is cos I've got one......

Sloppy passionate warm wet kisses

Jodie

xxxxx