I say a prayer to God asking for a man SOON and it gets answered. Although not answered in exactly the way I wanted. As I was having a chat with my neighbour last night (who knocked 5 minutes after me putting the blog on yesterday - good job I hadn't actually put a rubber bra on!), my phone rings and it's the fittest bloke ever. He's a footballer I met in Marbella and he's calling to say he's in Brentwood!!!!! Though he then tells me he's arranged to go to London for the night. Why???? Why????? Why call me up to tell me you're two minutes from my house but that you're not staying, you're going to London?! The guy is the most perfectly and conventionally form of good-looking there could ever be. He's toned and got muscles but without being too pumped up, he's tall, he's got the perfect face and he dresses like David Beckham. He's quite possibly the best looking man I've ever laid eyes on. Just a shame that he lives in Manchester or somewhere. Anyway, I'm still baffled as to why he would ring to say he's in Brentwood but not staying! Never mind, he's got a sexy voice too so it was nice talking to him. When I got off the phone I finished off telling my poor neighbour all my troubles (he got a right earful and he'd only come over to ask one question) and then jumped in the shower.
Alex and Lauren arrived at mine at 9pm and we went to my brother's gig in a pub in Brentwood. We knew from the minute we arrived that the night was going to be outrageous. We spent an hour dancing stupidly (doing full-on rock and roll and jives) to Jordan's rock and roll set and then left the gig already drunk (we'd had three drinks each!) to go to Sugar Hut. As I got out of the car outside the Hut, the fattest, ugliest, vilest, sweatiest man shouts at me "You wanna go home and put some clothes on!" - at exactly the same time me and Alex shouted back "you wanna go home and lose some weight fatty!" Now, I know that two wrongs don't make a right and I'm not proud of myself for shouting that back (although we did screech with laughter that we said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time) and I don't even think it's fair to abuse someone for their weight but the guy asked for it!! He shouted at me in a really abusive and nasty way. You could hear the disgust in his voice as he spat it at me. Why would someone even want to ruin a person's night like he obviously wanted to?! It baffles me. I wasn't doing him any harm. I was walking quietly into a nightclub arm-in-arm with my friends. I've never met him, I wasn't naked on the street. I was wearing a very short skirt and little top but it wasn't exactly two belts; and even if it was, what right does he have to shout at me about my choice of outfit. I see people every day in bad clothes but I don't go yelling at them "Oi mate, sort your shirt out!" and besides all that, I actually looked very sexy! Ha ha. What a weirdo.
Anyway, we did have a chuckle to ourselves when we got in the club. As I said to the girls, why would a man even start a verbal war with a girl?! The whole world knows that girls have far more vicious tongues than men and therefore men don't stand a chance in an argument! If he'd have wanted to continue it, I've had had a lot more to say about the sweating beast but he accepted the abuse and walked away as if he knew we were right. Plus of course, I was already drunk by the time he insulted me. Not a good move on his part. If I'd have been sober I probably would have walked away quietly but unfortunately for him I'd had three vodkas. Good job I'm secure enough to not let people like that bother me really.
It reminds me of a time I was in club 195. A guy walked up to me and his opening line was "what's with the hat?" (I was wearing a cowboy hat). I looked at him and said "what's with the shirt?" (he was wearing a pink and blue stripey shirt). He said "I like this shirt", I said "well I like this hat". He stepped back looking slightly confused and then stumbled off not having anything else to say. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer (or in my case you'll get a clever answer that just makes you look stupid). Later on he came back over to me and said "did I piss you off earlier?" I answered "no" and he said "well why are you being off with me?" Oh jesus mate, I'm not being off but you came up to bother me while I'm on a night out with the girls to ask me a ridiculous question! You are now bothering me once more and suggesting that I'm being off with you. I don't even know you!! You might feel like you know me cos you've seen me on TV or read about me but the truth is you know jack sh*t about me. You probably thought you were being funny and/or clever when you came up to ask me "what's with the hat?" but the truth is I encounter people like you every day. If I want to wear a cowboy hat I will so get out of my face. You've actually got the worst haircut I've ever seen but I would never just walk up to you and say that....... Obviously I didn't say all this to him, I think I just said "mate leave me alone please" and turned my back on him. Fools.
Unbelievably Kyle gets it from weirdos as well. Because he's got long curly hair he always gets people coming up asking "is that a wig?" when he says "no" they say "don't lie!". It's so frustrating. If it were a wig then it could be quite embarrassing for someone to ask that. Kyle does actually work with wigs and a lot of his job involves helping women who have no hair (because of chemo or alopecia) find a suitable wig. Can you imagine a poor woman with no hair wearing a wig and some twat coming over to actually ask "is that a wig?". Human behaviour is the weirdest thing!
Anyway, moving on from weirdos. We got in Sugar Hut and made our way to a table where a bottle of vodka was waiting for us. Bearing in mind we are the biggest lightweights in the world and had already had three drinks; it didn't take long before we were dancing on the bar, on tables, on sofas and on the DJ Stand (our legs spread over the decks!). Alex and I got naughtier and naughtier. We snogged each other and gave each other lap dances, we took lots and lots of pictures (87 in total - I looked at them when I got up and couldn't even remember half of them being taken) and generally behaved like people who'd never been to a nightclub before. At one point we had the whole club just standing watching us as we gyrated on the bar. The whole night was one of total reckless abandonment. At the end I pulled (ask God and he answers!). Unfortunately it wasn't a bloke. A girl asked if she could take me home. She was very fit and had the biggest boobs I've ever seen. I remember thinking "maybe this is exactly what I need!" but sense kicked in when I realised that even though she was female, I didn't know her from Adam and it wouldn't exactly be safe to go to a stranger's house on my own. I ended up going home with Alex and Russ and we all slept in my bed together.
I honestly can't ever remember feeling as rough as I do today. My mum and dad came over at 1pm and I tried to pull myself together. Unfortunately I couldn't even hold down a few sips of water and my head hurt so mush I couldn't even talk. I tried to take some headache tablets but immediately gagged and spat them out. Instead I went back to bed and stayed there til 4pm. When I did get up I felt a little bit better so came to my mums for some mummy-loving. She made me some toast and got me a pint of water and I have laid on the sofa ever since. Because I was in such a bad way, she took Paddy and Lyla back to hers at 1pm so that I could sleep in peace. Mums are the best!!!
I've now just had a proper meal (probably the first in months apart from what I ate in Italy) cooked lovingly by the parental units and I have watched the Moto GP. Rossi came second - it's not good enough Rossi!!! I want you to win EVERY time! ;)
Tonight I will not be moving from my sofa. I'm going to watch all the things I sky-plussed and I'm going to cuddle Paddy and Lyla. I spoke to Vanessa yesterday from the All Star Talent Show. I told her how mush I was looking forward to getting back into rehearsals and I also promised her that we'll go horse-riding (something she really wants to do). I'm going to bring her to Essex for the day, take her out for lunch and then take her horse-riding. I told her how mush I was missing working with her. She knows I'd do it every day if I could!
In conclusion to last night, I had a very good time. Alex and I ripped the club apart (literally) and behaved like two school-girls who had been let out for the first time ever. All eyes were on us as we threw ourselves around and jumped from bar to sofa to table. I didn't see any fit men but then I wasn't exactly focusing properly after my fourth vodka. All in all it was just what I needed and even though I feel terrible today, I know that I will go and do it all again in a few days time.
I'm still craving a man in my life. I know I keep on about it but seriously I just want someone to show my sexy underwear off to! Last night I regretted (for about one minute) deleting all those numbers from my phone. I really could have done with a snog or cuddle. I know I sound like a stuck record but I don't really care. I need a man for fun and I need one NOW. I'm staying in on my own tonight and there is nothing I would like more than to be able to invite a man over to watch a film snuggled on my giant sofa, to have a few cuddles and then to go and play some games upstairs (maybe even some dressing-up games). In fact, if I could have anything right now, I'd have tonight go like this:
I invite a fit man over (preferably one that looks like Ben or the fit barman). He arrives and we pick a film to watch. I turn all the lights off in the lounge and we snuggle down to watch it on the mass of cushions on my sofa. The film is a scary one and at points I cuddle in to him more (for protection of course). During the film we get closer and closer until we can feel each other's breath and our skin tingles every time we brush arms. His hand slips round my back and rests on my bum, my hand is moving further up his thigh. I can feel his excitement growing and I want to kiss him. I'm tingling down below with anticipation and when the credits on the film eventually roll, neither of us moves. The room goes black (with the only glint of light coming in through the window being the moon). He turns to face me, holds my face and leans in to kiss me. The kiss is so electric that my whole body feels like it's on fire. We roll around for a bit kissing and touching and grinding against each other and then we gradually start to undress each other......... and that's enough for now. I won't tell you what else I'd like to do cos it's just too rude!!
Oh God, I can't stop thinking about certain people. I can't call them cos I don't have their numbers anymore but it's driving me nuts. I just want to meet a mega-fit man so that I can switch my thoughts onto him. I'm fed up of liking people that A. I can't have or B. are totally useless anyway! I can do practically anything I set my mind to so why God why can't I stop thinking about certain men and why can't I stop fantasising about all the things I would do to them if they came to my house. I mean, is it normal?! Is it normal to fantasize this mush about someone and all the things you would do if you got your hands on them?! I'm not sure if it is. When I'm on my own I sit and imagine sexy little scenarios with certain men. I know it's nothing a real man couldn't fix but it's driving me mad. Every night I go to bed dreaming that someone is there beside me. I just want to feel a big strong pair of arms wrapped around me. I want to stroke his back and kiss his neck. I want to run my hands through his hair and feel my nakedness against his. I want to turn him on more than he's ever been turned on in his life and I want to stare deeply into his eyes as we're making love. I want to excite him and I want to do it for hours. I want to take dirty pictures of each other and I want to lick, kiss, tease, nibble and bite him. I want to go to sleep tired but ecstatically happy and when I wake up in the morning, I want to do it all over again before getting in the shower together and doing it again, our bodies wet and slippery, the water in our eyes!!!!!
Do I sound like I'm losing the plot?! Good. Cos I am. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Everywhere I look are fit men who are already in relationships. And where does that leave us single girls? I'll tell you; it leaves us with the moronic sweating pigs like the man that shouted at me last night to put some clothes on (we realised that even a gay man wouldn't shout something like that as they actually appreciate sexy women - what was his problem?). It's not fair. I know that the best ones are always taken for a reason (ie. Because they are the best) but what I don't understand is how other people always seem to get to them before me?! I mean, when is the day gonna come when I find a fit man first?! Someone who will show me a good time, someone who is willing to experiment in the bedroom, someone who won't cheat on me and someone who I'll love more than anything?! I don't want to fall in love with other girl's boyfriends but really when you look at what's on offer for me (abusive sweating pricks) then you can see how it happened. The reason someone like Ben is already taken is cos he's not a fat sweating pig of man. He doesn't shout abuse at people in the street, he's not arrogant or a show-off. He's the opposite of all of that. He's a very good-looking, talented, mature young man. He's nice and kind and funny and clever. He's all the things that the average sweating beast wishes he was. And he's all the things I hope the next boyfriend I have will be (if there are any left that aren't taken!). I know I keep going on about Ben and I probably sound obsessed; I'm not. I'm just trying to work out what's going on in the world. I'm still not proud of myself that I chased a taken man but I couldn't help the way my bits tingled every time I was near him. After all, I did fancy him long before I met him (when I watched him on Strictly Dance Fever). While he was getting sent knickers in the post, I was wetting my own over him. It's not my fault that the All Star Talent Show put us together; they weren't to know I was a freaky fan of his. Ha ha. Anyway, my point is that the more I see of the people around me, the more I understand why for a while all my morals and principles went out of the window. I've quite literally had enough of being around rude, arrogant, brainless twats like the man last night. I yearn for the day that I live abroad and live with a gorgeous man who makes me go weak at the knees every time I look at him.
I think my problem is that I like nothing more than having a fit man next to me. I admit it - I LOVE men. I can't get enough of them. I love everything about them, from the way their hair touches the back of their neck, to the way their muscles flex when they move. I love the fact that they are generally bigger than me (that's not hard, I'm only 5ft 2) and being beside one makes me feel small and cute and protected. In the same way that someone might need to have an espresso every day to get them through the day, I need to have a man beside me to feel happy. I'm not exactly miserable anymore (well, I mean, I'm still not feeling 100% but I'm ok) but I know it's because I haven't had anything close to a real man anywhere near me for what seems like forever (the Fit Barman doesn't count cos I knew that once the holiday ended then so would our romance). If I could just fall head over heels in love (or even lust) with someone that was actually available then I would be absolutely fine. Instead I am looking around at the slim pickings (sweating abusive man or pervy weirdo) and thinking "why is this happening to me?" I'm not walking around with my eyes shut. It's not like I don't try and fancy people. The problem is that nobody I ever meet even comes close to how mush I fancied Ben and Fit Barman. I just want (at least once this year) to meet someone I fancy the arse off and who is actually single.
I don't want to spend nights sitting alone in my house. It's a beautiful house mind, but would look all the better for having a fit bloke wandering around in ripped jeans and no top! My house is every girl's dream (what with my walk-in wardrobe and dressing room with full light-studded mirror) but it's also every blokes dream. It's immaculate, I've got every toy imaginable (sex ones and not sex ones ie. play station, x box, home cinema etc), I've got a huge garden, a motorbike, two bulldogs and a fridge full of treats. It's as trendy as a house comes but comfy as well ie. It's not so perfect that you feel uncomfortable. It's in the middle of nowhere and it's full of naked pictures of myself. Ha ha. All it needs is a man to be the perfect home. I am seriously thinking of paying someone to come and service me once a week. That or blackmailing someone to be with me. Ha ha. On a serious note though, where do all the fit men go out? By that I mean the fit men who don't have girlfriends?! If anybody knows of a place that is rammed full of fit men then please let me know because mush as the sweaty abusive pigs in my home town are just lovely; there's only so mush a girl can take before she gets the next flight to Cyprus! I'm serious; I WANT to fancy someone other than a man who is taken and doesn't want me!
Fancy Boy, come back, all is forgiven. I know you're scared baby and I know I'm "too powerful" but I promise I'll be gentle and I'll take things slowly. I won't use you for sex and you won't be a "Jodie Marsh boy toy", I'll do anything you want...... ha ha. Only joking. I'm over that little obsession...... now I've just gotta get over my other little obsessions (Ben being one of them). The sad thing is that if I met a gorgeous looking man tomorrow who was single and up for a laugh then I know I wouldn't give any of these men another thought; I know I'd be wrapped up blissfully in his arms but as it stands now I can't think of anything but all the gorgeous men that I can't have! Is there a way of training your brain to dump various memories or thoughts?! If there is then I want to know about it so that I can sleep tonight without dreaming about Ben and Fit Barman (together!).
And just as I type that, my phone goes. It's the Fit Barman!!!!! He texted to tell me that he misses me and that Cyprus is dead and boring. I told him it's cos I'm not there! His is the one phone number I didn't erase. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Plus, considering Cyprus is number one on the list of places to move to, I might just need his help when I buy a bar out there. I offered Vanessa to come to Cyprus with me yesterday. I think we should set up our own dance school out there. That and an animal sanctuary. Now that, my friends, would keep me blissfully happy forever!!!!
So, I'm going now. I'm going to continue my text conversation with the barman because at least his texts make me smile and feel good. I'm still debating as to whether to grab a flight to Marbella this week to see Linsey. The only thing stopping me is the thought of being the gooseberry with the happily-married couple. Sh*t - why did I delete Fancy Boy's number?! I could have asked him to come with me! Ha ha. I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laters
xxxxx
P.S nearly forgot to mention, I saw Kenzie last night. We had a cuddle and catch up. I love him!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment