I've had a most enjoyable day so far! I'm sitting here now stuffed to the brim with good food (most of which was covered in freshly chopped garlic) and I'm feeling content. Not sad, not over the moon; just content.
I realised I forgot to tell you about my first night here, which is why I thought I'd write again (well, that and the fact that there isn't really a lot else to do here except look at the stars, read a book or sleep; and we all know I don't like to do mush of that - sleep I mean). So, after the best meal ever; a friend of Peppe's came over for a visit. He's the local undertaker and also a magician in his spare time. He used to work in the circus years ago and he's a very interesting man. Straight away he started doing magic tricks and I joined in. He didn't speak a word of English and I don't speak a word of Italian (apart from I know that the word 'fantazma' means 'ghost' - for some strange reason!!! Ha ha) but we managed to communicate with sign language and gestures. He showed me lots of tricks and even broke the rule of the magic circle to show me how they are done! I was in my element. I love magic but I ESPECIALLY love knowing how it's done. Oh, by the way, sorry for the use of all the capital letters on important words; for some reason this computer won't let me put a word into italics!
So, the undertaker showed me how to bend spoons (even though I had kind of worked it out for myself after watching him do it three times). We ended up ruining every single one of Peppe's teaspoons. It was so mush fun though. We sat up til 2o'clock in the morning doing tricks and having a laugh. Me and Peppe giggled non-stop as we tried to imitate the tricks the undertaker was doing so expertly. I had a very nice time though and went to bed happy and smiling.
Now, it is about 1pm here. I've spoken to my mum (who said that I sound a lot more relaxed) and other than a few texts, my phone has been in my room all day. I'm not really interested in speaking to anyone right now. I told my agent to cancel work for the week. It's better that I sit and think on my own without talking to lots of people who may change my mind or cloud my judgement. Not saying that anyone I speak to would be wrong about something but I need to work things out for myself. Things like: why did I come onto someone else's man? Why do I feel sad, even though things are better for me now than they have ever been? And why can I not even get a one-night stand off a boy who lives in a caravan and who has probably never pulled a fit bird in his life?
I still don't have the answers to any of these questions but I know that I do feel a lot better. I'm no longer crying myself to sleep over the fit barman or Ben and I feel so relaxed I'm not even sure if I'm properly awake! Jord was texting me last night. He said that he had Lyla in his bed cos she was upset without me. He said she's a beast who snores like a pig and who takes up more room than any bird he's ever had in his bed! I'm not sure that's entirely true! I know I can do a lot worse than having two velvety soft bulldogs in my bed!
Last night after dinner, me and Peppe sat and chatted about all the things that are wrong with me. I went through everything from Fancy Boy, Blondie and Great Kisser to Fit Barman and Ben. I explained my feelings on each one, told him everything that had happened from start to finish and how I feel about each of them now. He came to the conclusion that I need a REAL man. Ha ha. Tell me something I DON'T know!! He reckons that none of the boys around me have balls and that they are all terrified of real women (and especially real women who know exactly what they want, where they are going AND what they are doing in the bedroom). Apparently women like me are very scary to lots of boys. I understand what he's saying when it comes to the young ones. After all, three of my recent 'victims' have been 16, 18 and 19 years old. As Peppe said himself; at 16 years old, if Linda Lusardi or someone had come onto him, he'd have run a mile! Point taken! But as for the others; we just can't work it out. Peppe reckons they are just really really thick (or secretly gay). I mean, I offer a boy two or three nights a week of no-strings-attached fun (not to brag but I'm probably as good as it gets in the bedroom - that "pornstar" tattoo is there for a reason!) and men as old as 29 are turning it down or messing me around. I'm not one to hang around for someone. If they mess me around more than a couple of times I'm off and I'll never be interested again. In fact Fancy Boy was the only one I held out for. Normally they stand two chances and after that it's goodbye sailor. Inevitably they come crawling back (having realised what they've passed up) but by then I'm well and truly over them and can't even see what I ever saw in them. I don't know why my crush on Fancy Boy lasted longer than normal? Maybe I was more desperate than normal! Anyhow, I don't think I'll ever truly know what goes through a man's head. If I was a bloke; I'd shag me!!!! Ha ha. I mean, it's not like I want to marry any of these people!!!
Peppe said I should set my sights higher than what I do. He said you should never try and pull people that are lower than yourself in life. My problem there is that I DO always pull people lower than myself (what I mean by that is that they don't make as mush money as me, they're not that great-looking and they're NEVER as clever as me - again, not to brag, I'm just speaking the truth!). The reason I go for people like that is so that I can't get hurt. You see, if I'm just after something casual and it's with someone I don't particularly care about then it's easy to walk away when it ends and not give them another thought. If however, I really like and respect someone then I run the risk of getting hurt and I don't just want a bit of fun; I want them to be all mine forever and ever!!! That's why I liked Ben and Fit Barman so mush. Of all the other boys I've flirted with and had fun with recently, they are the only two I've genuinely cared about and respected. Of course, all the others are lovely but I didn't have any real feelings towards them; I just wanted to snog them or whatever. That's why I got so carried away with and emotional about Ben and Fit Barman. They really got under my skin and I didn't just want a casual shag from them. Blondie, Fancy Boy and all the others were just a challenge and it was me trying to find some fun in a very boring town! With Fit Barman and Ben I didn't WANT a challenge, I wanted to be with them forever (well, as long as 'forever' may be, you know with me that could actually only mean a month!).
I suppose the truth is that I, myself, don't even know what it is I'm after. When I read Jackie Collins, she talks about a woman walking into a room and seeing the "most drop-dead gorgeous-looking man she's ever seen in her life" - I want THAT! I want to meet a man so gorgeous that he takes my breath away. Someone that makes me go weak at the knees and makes my mouth hang open in awe. Ben took my breath away in his suit he wore for our dance (but I am trying not to think about that!) but other than that, nobody has taken my breath away in a very long time. Actually the only one I really remember taking my breath away (looks-wise) is a guy called Tommy I dated about 5 years ago. He was a male model and so fit that the first time I laid eyes on him I think somebody had to close my mouth for me. Unfortunately apart from the amazing sex, there wasn't a lot else to the relationship so it didn't last. Personality-wise Max Beesley took my breath away. He was so funny and caring and always knew how to make me laugh. I adored him! I just don't think I've ever had it all - someone who takes my breath away with his looks, stimulates me mentally, makes me laugh, cares about me AND gives me the best sex I've ever had!
Peppe is right that I always settle for second best and that I really need to hold out for someone so special that they knock me off my feet but after being here for 27 years and never finding anyone even remotely close to that, I almost feel like it's never going to happen, so what then...? Do I settle for someone who IS second best just so as not to be on my own forever or do I continue to hold out for 'The One' - if he even exists?! God only knows - I just know I want to have some fun and I can't even do that cos I don't know any real men with balls. Most of the men I know plod through life. They're not particularly happy or satisfied but they're too weak or stupid to change it. They're not go-getters or doers. They just go to the same places every week and try and pull an alright-looking bird. Nothing wrong with that but they're hardly having the time of their life! Half of them probably don't even know what they're missing and half of them haven't ever left Brentwood (other than to go to Tenerife - Brentwood abroad). Not many people in Brentwood make their own money either. Because it's a very rich area, they're brought up on mummy and daddy's money so even the fact that my money is all my own terrifies the men that live there. They can't handle an independent women! I've said it a thousand times but I NEED to move away! I love Brentwood as a place and I love bringing new people to Brentwood because it does have a lot to offer and is very beautiful (especially where I live), I just know that deep down, the more time I spend there, the more time I am wasting; when I could be out meeting the man of my dreams (who I just know is NOT going to be lurking anywhere near Brentwood). I'm proud of Brentwood and I love living there, I love all the people (most of which I've known all my life) and I feel safe there. I just know that if it's love I'm looking for, the one thing Brentwood doesn't have is any real men to truly love me (or even shag me from ten different angles!).
I think I may go out with an Italian next! Most Italian men seem to know how to treat real women. They've certainly all got manners and when they're straight (as opposed to gay), they are all red-blooded REAL men with one thing on their mind! Woohoo - just the way I like them! You see I've always thought that I don't want a man who only thinks with his dick but actually I am starting to realise that they are the way forward! Blimey, after the drought I've just had, I'd be happy with one whose dick only half-worked! Ha ha. I'm joking of course (about it half-working), although I'm serious that perhaps I do just need a sexual monster; a man who thinks of nothing but sex, who would happily give me everything I need in that department and who knows every trick in the book. I DON'T need a man who's too scared to be with me!!
The Fit Barman was ALL man. He demonstrated to me that there are some left in the world! That said though, he was half-Cypriot. That probably explains a lot. If only there were men like him in Brentwood I'd be sorted!! He didn't care about anything except having fun and being daring and outrageous. He was a thrill-seeker constantly looking for excitement. If there wasn't anything fun happening, he would MAKE something happen. He was up for anything I suggested and he wasn't scared of anything. His energy and enthusiasm rubbed off on me and together we were the naughtiest couple there has ever been! I'm still not going to tell you what we got up to but I'm missing it more now than ever. All this talk of men is making me realise more and more how great it was with him. He was SOMETHING ELSE!!! Strong, ballsy, confident, manly and exciting with just the right amount of kindness and thoughtfulness thrown in - just the way I like them!! Where oh where will I ever meet another one like him?! Or Ben for that matter - between them they are THE perfect man! If only either of them had a twin brother who was single and up for some fun!
You see, I'm forgetting all about the feelings I had for Ben because quite honestly I behaved like a c*nt to his lovely girlfriend and I was stupid to think anything would ever happen anyway. But when I think of Fit Barman, it just depresses me. I almost wish I'd never met him. It's like being shown the VERY best of something and then having it taken away from you. Sometimes it's better to not know what you could have had cos then you don't know just how good life can be (and I could plod through life like all the boys around me do!). If I'd never had the most amazing week of my life with him then I wouldn't now be sitting here dreaming of the day I meet someone else that can come up to his standard. I could just go out with anyone and be happy. Unfortunately everywhere I look right now I see weak men, violence, bitterness and hatred. I don't see anyone swinging from the rafters like the Fit Barman (who's just happy with everything in life) and who's truly up for taking on anything life has to offer. Where have all the go-getters and doers gone?! I need one!
So, back to reality.... Today me and Peppe have been shopping in Ascoli. I wanted to buy myself clothes, shoes, anything really to cheer myself up. There's nothing like a bit of shopping to make a girl feel good. Unfortunately the only thing I found to buy was a pair of cowboy boots so I got those and then we went to get pizza. I tried to buy Jord a pair of wicked trainers but they didn't have his size which was a shame. I am now back at the hotel eating freshly cut melon and after I finish writing this I'm going to lie down in the sun.
Driving back through the mountains in Peppe's car today I was looking at myself in the wing-mirror (as you do) and I realised that no matter how mush I rant and moan and shout about all the things I want in life; all I'm truly lacking in life is a fuller top lip! And that can't be too bad!!!!!!
Lots of Italian love and kisses (and garlic breath).
If there ARE any real men left out there then please stand up (cos I can't see you!).
Jodie xxxxx
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