I truly am in the middle of nowhere!!! As far as the eye can see are mountains and nothing else! It's boiling hot here so I am working on patching up my peeling tan. Even though I am more alone here than I have ever been before; for some reason I don't feel lonely. It is the most beautiful and picturesque place I've ever seen. I have had another long chat with Peppe today about life and men and everything else that is either making me very happy or very sad. We're getting somewhere mum!!
The thing is, I realise that being a Capricorn, I am very hard-working, extremely ambitious, determined, strong and faithful. As well as that I am very down to earth and sometimes too nice for my own good (except when I've gone mental due to years of abuse, and chase after somebody else's man!). This then leaves me in a state of limbo. On the one hand I want everything life has to offer but also I don't want to hurt anyone to get there and I won't compromise my own morals or principles. Instead I end up being the one who is ALWAYS let down. I place too mush trust in other people's niceness and I assume that everybody else would do the same for me as I would for them. Unfortunately, most people don't give a rat's arse about who they hurt and will happily trample all over me to try and make themselves feel better or get somewhere. It's ok - just shit on me! I can take it! I've had it all my life! This is another thing getting me down lately. I feel like I'm always apologising and trying to be a better person, when nobody else seems to care that they might just be ruining your life in some way or another. I'm not talking about apologising to Dawn here by the way. I truly meant every bit of it! I'm talking about all the times I've backed down from a situation and/or helped somebody out even when they have been the ones in the wrong.
Oh well screw everyone... at least I know I'm going to Heaven! Ha ha. So, another thing I have worked out in being here is this:
Right now in my life I don't have any stress or pressure. All I have is the amazing Final of the All Star Talent Show to look forward to. And that should be a good thing, right?! Wrong. I think that one of the reasons I'm feeling anxious is that actually; BECAUSE everything is so good for me, I don't have any light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. You see, it's like this: when I've got something hugely negative weighing me down, stressing me out and putting pressure on me; I can look forward to the day it is all over. Like, for example, the boxer. Because I knew (or thought I knew) that the day would come when I had to face the murdering b*stard in court (and I also knew that I would win!), I looked forward to that day and it gave me something to focus on. I knew that one day the strain and pressure and stress would all be gone. I lived each day like it was my last and enjoyed everything as mush as I could, knowing that underneath all the smiles and laughter I actually had a very serious issue hanging over me. I thought that when it was all gone, life would suddenly be ten times better. It's not; actually nothing has changed. It's kind of like when we all awaited the verdict of the b*stard who killed Kim. We thought that once he got sent down for life, we'd suddenly all find peace and that we'd feel a little bit happier. Not so. Actually the next day we all woke up, realised that in fact Kim is still gone, she's never coming back, her child doesn't have a mother and we all miss her terribly. It's like a never-ending search for inner happiness and it feels like it's never going to come. Well, I suppose the fact that right now I am due on doesn't help! That and the fact that I haven't taken my St John's Wort for a week!!!!
Anyway, nothing is particularly wrong with me (nothing that the love and sex of a good man wouldn't fix). I'm just craving more in life. More of what?! I don't know. Peppe thinks I DO need a man. He reckons that all I need is a little tlc and I have to admit that the thought of cuddling up on a sofa or being thrown around a bedroom does appeal. Shame there just aren't any men out there with bollocks big enough to take me on (and/or who will truly love the real me, the me that my friends and family know and love, not the one people THINK they know).
One day Marshy... one day. I WILL find true love. Or a decent shag at the very least! That's the problem, see, I can't even get a good one night stand, hence me thinking about paying for it (it suddenly doesn't seem such a bad idea again!). I openly admit that I love sex. Who doesn't?! Especially when it's with a fit young stallion of a man who can go for hours or just give me a quickie when I need it. I'm not desperate enough to go out and just take a random home for the night but I am at the stage where a half-decent nice looking bloke would do. Vanessa - do you have Jackson's number please? Ha ha. See, if I could get a gorgeous-looking man to pop over mine two or three times a week for a combination of hardcore sessions and loving cuddles then I'd be sorted. Other women might not need a man to be happy but after nearly a year of being single, I do! I LOVE men. They rock my world. They excite me and I want to be around them. I can't help how I feel. I was born to do a service to men and to make them happy and since I haven't done that in a while; it's starting to get to me. Whenever my mate Rusty pulls a girl who he classes as "not up to his usual standard", he says "I'm just doing a bit of community service - helping them out!" - that's a great way to describe how I feel about being with men (of any age, size or colour). I'm doing a service to the community. Ha ha. I need it and so do they. After all, when I think back to some of the blokes I've had; I just KNOW I've made them a better lover and that in turn means that the next girlfriend they have will be satisfied and pleasantly surprised. See, without me getting to them first, half of these blokes wouldn't have a clue what they're doing. Calum Best is only such a ladies man cos I taught him everything he knows. Ha ha. Am I joking or am I serious?! Wouldn't you like to know - I didn't put HALF the real juice in my book that I could have done. I'm saving the rest for the "novel".
So, at least I now know what my problem is - I need a big black cloud hanging over me to give me something to look forward to and I need a bit of man joy to clear my head. I suppose I am addicted to men. Like the way (I presume) a drug-addict feels they can't function without a hit, I can't function normally unless I have the love (or boner) of a good man! Hooray! I've got to the bottom of it. Although deep down I've known it all along. Whenever I have to fill out forms for TV shows I'm due to appear on, they always ask what my "weaknesses" are. I always give the answer "men, chocolate and shoes" - in that order. Yes, men are my biggest weakness and if I don't get one soon I will go out of my mind. At least I know where my problems lie though and will happily admit them. And not just to myself, but for all the world to see on here!! Am I totally mad?! Yes, is the answer. To be honest, when I write this I don't even think about how many people are going to read it. I just write it like I'm writing a diary to myself half the time. Then I go away and forget about it and all the freaks who go on internet forums then probably analyze and discuss every word I've written for weeks on end. Actually I KNOW they do cos I saw it once. A whole forum dedicated to "all the Jodie Marsh haters" - what a bunch of bitter, unsatisfied losers with too mush time on their hands! Ha ha. I won't make the mistake of looking at something like that again! It made me feel sad when I realised how many issues other people have - I mean, I think I've got problems but mine are nothing compared to those who spend their whole day setting up websites to slag off a person they've never met and/or to pretend they ARE me or that they know me. One such freak pretended to be going out with a cousin of mine (unlucky for her if she is cos the cousin she's talking about is a loser too who I haven't spoken to for years). Someone alerted me to her. She called herself "China Doll" and claimed she knew me and knew things about me. She actually couldn't possibly know anything about me, apart from what the whole world already knows from what I write on here. Even if she is going out with my lay-about cousin, she still doesn't know any more than joe public because I don't even know this particular cousin and he doesn't know me. I got the police involved and also had someone watch everything she wrote. I quite enjoyed it actually. I know who she is and I can really hurt her if I want (by suing her and/or other things I have tucked up my sleeve), bottom line is that weirdos like her can rant all day about me and still be losers. I, however can do whatever I like. There are lots of laws protecting people like me now, including laws about harassment, identity theft and defamation of character. You see, I have the choice to use these laws if I so wish and ruin somebody like "China Doll's" life. She knows who she is...........
Anyway, for now I don't even want to think about the freaks. I'm sitting on top of a mountain in Italy as I write this. It's scorching hot and I'm loving it. Peppe and I have been down to a shoe-factory today where a friend of his hand-makes shoes. The shoe-maker was quite old and didn't speak a word of English but he looked me up and down and told Peppe in Italian that I was beautiful. It really made my day. You see, wherever I go people stare at me. But they only stare because I am famous and they know who I am. This guy genuinely didn't have a clue who I was (he too lives in the mountains miles away from any kind of civilisation) and he couldn't stop looking at what he called "the beautiful girl". How good is that?! To be told you are beautiful by someone who doesn't know who you are or what you do for a living is a real, true compliment!!! I'm still grinning! If only I found 70 year old shoe-makers attractive! I'd be sorted! Ha ha.
I had better go cos even out here in the middle of nowhere I've got loads to do. I want to eat something, have a swim, read some more of my book and have a cigarette as I look at the incredible view all around me - cor blimey, life is tough sometimes! Did I tell you that the bed in my room is without a doubt the most amazing bed I've ever slept in?! It's the biggest, softest bed in the world. Last night I felt like I was climbing into a giant cloud. I had the best nights' sleep ever!
Hope you are all having a good week. I came here for self-therapy and it seems to be working a treat. I also came here to get away from the temptation that is Ben. I didn't know how mush longer I could go without begging him to come and meet me so I knew I needed to get away and clear my head. It's the best thing I could have done. I've stepped up to do the right thing, I'm a bigger and better person for it. I feel proud of myself that I realised just in the nick of time how mush of a wrong-un I was being. And even though now my desire to be with a real live man is ten times stronger than last week, I am pleased I have walked away from a stupid situation (that I got myself in). I guess I will have to find someone quickly to give me some tlc, like Peppe said. After all, what's the point to life unless you are enjoying yourself and I know that right now, I would enjoy nothing more than a fit bloke to play with. You gotta do what you gotta do to make yourself happy and considering everything else is perfect, I realise that what would make me happy is a pair of big strong man-arms wrapped around my little body; a kiss on the forehead, maybe one on the bare shoulder. A stroke of the back and a little touching of tongues!!! Oh God yeah - bring it on. I need to feel the warmth and strength of a gorgeous man against my skin...........
Lots of love Jodie
xxxxx
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