I'm in Italy. I'm writing to you from my friend Peppe's hotel. It's in the mountains and as I look to my left (out onto a balcony), the view before me is like nothing I've ever seen before. All I can see for miles and miles are mountains and landscape. It's so beautiful it doesn't even look real. It looks like a painting; like I could reach out and touch it.
I was supposed to land in Ancona but due to big thunder storms, the plane was diverted to Pescara. Poor Peppe (who was waiting to pick me up at Ancona) had to drive the 110 miles to Pescara. I offered to get a taxi but he was having none of it! I sat and read my Jackie Collins (I'm on my 17th one now!) while I waited. I slept the whole way on the plane. I didn't have anyone sitting next to me, which was nice because I wasn't in the mood to chat.
I'm glad I decided to come here. It is beautiful and it's lovely to see Peppe. He told me in the car that he will "get my head straight" before I go home (which is good!). I do feel like I've gone a bit mental lately. It probably shows in my blog! Peppe just said to me "does it sometimes feel like you've got everything and yet nothing all at the same time?" Yes..... it does. That is exactly how I feel, and I know why I feel like that. On the surface of things I do have everything (well, except the love of a decent man, but I have come to the conclusion that there are none left!); I've got so mush, more than I could ever wish for! Therefore I have everything! The reason I also have nothing is that every day I'm left with an empty hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I look around me and think "is this it? Is this the best it's going to get?" - because if it is then I don't think I can cope! I mean, I'm happy with everything I do have but I also want more. Tons more! I want to travel the world, I want to bungee-jump out of a helicopter. I want to have a house on the beach in Barbados. I want to wake up every day and do something different. I want to make a difference in the world. God, I just want want want..... ha ha.
I'm not being ungrateful for the things I do have cos I know I'm so so lucky; it's just that I suppose I want to win the All Star Talent Show every day! Ha ha. I want to feel that good ALL the time. Generally I'm happy. I'm always laughing and smiling and joking around. Laughing is the best thing ever! It's rare that I'm miserable and even if I am; the people around me probably wouldn't know about it. I'm very good at hiding how I really feel and putting on a brave face. Maybe I just need a shoulder to cry on sometimes and like it or not, that shoulder for the next few days is going to be Peppe. Ha ha. He knows what's coming anyway. In the car on the way here I gave him a brief run-down (from winning the show and being absolutely ON TOP of the world to falling for 2 men in as many weeks that I can't have). I told him I need him to talk some sense into me; make me realise how ridiculous I am being and help me to aim for higher things. Right now I don't even have the motivation to carry on writing my novel! Who wants to hear about very famous models peeing into a jug of orange juice in China Whites and making very famous soap stars drink it anyway?! Oh... what's that? You do wanna hear that story?! Ha ha. Wait for the book!
So, hopefully when I come home I will be a changed person. I will be back to the normal fun-loving outrageous Jodie. She's still there somewhere under all the layers of loneliness and frustration! I haven't even been here a day but already I feel calmer. I am pushing all thoughts of Ben and fit barman out of my mind. Who needs the stress of it?! I'd rather wait and see if the old Jodie charm can pull a legend like Valentino. Never again will I let myself fall for someone who is already involved (not that I set out to do that. It just happened). The next bloke I go anywhere near will have to be thick as shit (that should be easy to find then!) but really great in bed so that I can gag him and just use him for sex, or he's gotta be so in love with me that he'd drop his own mother as well as his bird for me! Ha ha. Seriously, I don't know what's come over me these last few months. I've been looking at people I wouldn't normally touch with yours, I've been chasing unavailable men and I've let myself get upset over all of them. I've got a brain - I need to start using it when it comes to men and relationships.
It's no good for me to let myself like someone. After all, I only get bored after a few weeks of bliss anyway and then have to end it (and feel like a complete bitch). It goes back to what I was saying earlier - I'm never satisfied! I'm not sure if there's a man alive who could truly satisfy me. Perhaps that goes for everyone though; perhaps humans weren't built to be with one person forever (well, except my mum and dad but they're just weird! Ha ha!). I'm joking of course, I love the fact that my mum and dad are still as in love today as they were when they first met! Although I think it just adds to the pressure for me in finding somebody. All my life I've wanted what they've got and all I seem to do is pick the wrong ones and mess it up.
So.... I don't really know where I go from here. I'm going to just chill out with Pep for a bit and enjoy being in the middle of no where (where no one can find me or even call me!). I'm going to go shopping and I'm going to let the mountains work their magic on me. Hopefully I will return to England happy and relaxed and well up for learning an even better dance for the final of the All Star Talent Show. It's the one thing I am actually looking forward to!!!
I'd like to apologise to Ben's girlfriend. I don't know what came over me. Like I've said on blog before, I've NEVER gone after another girl's man before and I don't know why I did or why I let it be known that I would happily be with him. I am a total messed-up bitch and I hold my hands up and admit that! I came to Italy to forget about him and the fit barman (the only two men I've truly liked in the last year) and I know that already it has worked. I'm so sorry that I made myself so available to him (even though you really don't have to worry as nothing happened!) and I'm sorry I didn't have more concern for your feelings. I think I got to a point in my life where I was fed up thinking about other people and I just wanted to think about me. The problem is; I'm not like that and therefore feel terrible now. Whatever you may think of me (and I hope you don't hate me cos am I a nice person really - I just went off-track a little bit), I never set out to hurt you. I just saw something in Ben that I LOVED (which is obviously why you love him too) and I wanted for once to be with someone who truly cared about the real me. It's shit being famous. The only good thing is the money, the fact that you can do something worthwhile (by working for charities) and the fact that you get free stuff. Other than that, you are looking around wishing you had what everyone else had (and unfortunately I wanted what you had!). Deep down I suppose I just want to be loved (doesn't everyone!) and I want excitement in my life. I thought that someone like Ben could provide that. I now know it was very wrong of me to like him the way I did and to say the things I said. I will never get in contact with him again and if we do dance together on the Final; I promise it will be on a strictly professional basis. He didn't like me like that anyway (you'll be pleased to know). I know that now. I suppose I wanted him to like me so mush that I thought he just might! The truth is; it's you he loves and wants to be with. He was the perfect gent, he never put a foot wrong so please don't worry (perhaps that's another reason I liked him!). It's me who has messed up here, not him so please don't be annoyed with him. Give him a big fat cuddle cos he deserves it for being so nice (and faithful! Ha ha). I promise you I will never look at him in that way again and will never try anything on with another girl's man EVER again. Like I said, I'm honestly not like that and I don't know what came over me (well, actually I do - it was the fact that someone was nice to me after years of insults and abuse, bullying and beatings!). I'm a girl of my word so you can trust me when I say that I will steer well clear of Ben. If I do dance with him on the show, it will be all about the dance (cos ultimately that's the part I truly loved anyway!). I'm ashamed of my behaviour over the last few weeks. I know I've got a screw loose but that's why I'm in Italy (to try and sort myself out!). And I'm not coming home til I'm right.......
I'm still jellus that you have an amazing man: but that's exactly what he is; YOUR amazing man. He doesn't want me, never did. I'm the dickhead loser with egg on my face cos I chased someone who didn't want me (nothing new there!). And now I'm the one in Italy in the mountains dreaming of the day I have half as good a relationship as you and Ben clearly do. He's all yours babe (and enjoy it cos I've NEVER had a truly loving relationship! You're very lucky!). All interest in him has gone because I refuse to be a bitch and I refuse to do something that all my life I've never agreed with. I'm an out-of-control twat and I can only apologise again. I wish you nothing but happiness, laughter and true love (and I want an invite to the wedding! I'll bring my gay mate for Shane!). Please forgive me...........?!
So, Peppe has just brought me a vodka-lemonade. I have a feeling that tonight we will end up sitting outside at the top of a mountain chatting shit (cos we're drunk) and putting the world to rights.
I'm off to have some fine Italian pasta........
Lots and lots of love from an already feeling mush better Jodie
Xxxxx
P.S Dawn - Please please please forgive me....... I'm a dick! He really does love you!!!!!!! I'm the sad lonely one! And I also wanna have the time of my life at the Final with or without Ben. It's the only thing I've got to look forward to!!!!!
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