I'm in Italy. I'm writing to you from my friend Peppe's hotel. It's in the mountains and as I look to my left (out onto a balcony), the view before me is like nothing I've ever seen before. All I can see for miles and miles are mountains and landscape. It's so beautiful it doesn't even look real. It looks like a painting; like I could reach out and touch it.
I was supposed to land in Ancona but due to big thunder storms, the plane was diverted to Pescara. Poor Peppe (who was waiting to pick me up at Ancona) had to drive the 110 miles to Pescara. I offered to get a taxi but he was having none of it! I sat and read my Jackie Collins (I'm on my 17th one now!) while I waited. I slept the whole way on the plane. I didn't have anyone sitting next to me, which was nice because I wasn't in the mood to chat.
I'm glad I decided to come here. It is beautiful and it's lovely to see Peppe. He told me in the car that he will "get my head straight" before I go home (which is good!). I do feel like I've gone a bit mental lately. It probably shows in my blog! Peppe just said to me "does it sometimes feel like you've got everything and yet nothing all at the same time?" Yes..... it does. That is exactly how I feel, and I know why I feel like that. On the surface of things I do have everything (well, except the love of a decent man, but I have come to the conclusion that there are none left!); I've got so mush, more than I could ever wish for! Therefore I have everything! The reason I also have nothing is that every day I'm left with an empty hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I look around me and think "is this it? Is this the best it's going to get?" - because if it is then I don't think I can cope! I mean, I'm happy with everything I do have but I also want more. Tons more! I want to travel the world, I want to bungee-jump out of a helicopter. I want to have a house on the beach in Barbados. I want to wake up every day and do something different. I want to make a difference in the world. God, I just want want want..... ha ha.
I'm not being ungrateful for the things I do have cos I know I'm so so lucky; it's just that I suppose I want to win the All Star Talent Show every day! Ha ha. I want to feel that good ALL the time. Generally I'm happy. I'm always laughing and smiling and joking around. Laughing is the best thing ever! It's rare that I'm miserable and even if I am; the people around me probably wouldn't know about it. I'm very good at hiding how I really feel and putting on a brave face. Maybe I just need a shoulder to cry on sometimes and like it or not, that shoulder for the next few days is going to be Peppe. Ha ha. He knows what's coming anyway. In the car on the way here I gave him a brief run-down (from winning the show and being absolutely ON TOP of the world to falling for 2 men in as many weeks that I can't have). I told him I need him to talk some sense into me; make me realise how ridiculous I am being and help me to aim for higher things. Right now I don't even have the motivation to carry on writing my novel! Who wants to hear about very famous models peeing into a jug of orange juice in China Whites and making very famous soap stars drink it anyway?! Oh... what's that? You do wanna hear that story?! Ha ha. Wait for the book!
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