So..... I've just booked a flight to Italy and I leave at 7am tomorrow morning. Carolina is picking me up to take me to the airport. I'm going on my own. I need to chill out and I need time to think and sort my head out.
We were sitting at the bike rally today at my mate's pub and I told Carolina how sad I was feeling. It's funny cos you'd think that after winning the show I'd be on top of the world but actually it has just made me feel a little bit sad because it's been so mush fun and I never wanted it to end. I know that I've got to do it all again in 4 weeks but it's not enough - I want it to last forever. I'm still tremendously happy that I won (and still can't actually believe it - I have to keep pinching myself) but it's also kind of like being a child, being given the best toy in the world and then being told you can only play with it for 5 minutes and then you have to hand it back.
Since I've been famous, I've never won anything or been recognised for doing anything good. Even though I am ambassador to 8 charities now; nothing I do for them ever gets talked about. All that ever gets written is that I'm ugly or useless or a slag. I know it's part and parcel of the job and I don't even want praise for all the good things I do; it's just that when you finally have a break-through like I did on the All Star Talent Show, you suddenly realise how good life can actually be and you want it to always be like that. I feel so sad that after this I will probably just go back to being "Jodie Marsh tabloid slapper" or whatever. I want to be a winner ALL the time and I want to dance with gorgeous men for a living! Ha ha. I find it very hard to accept compliments and so have found these last few days quite tough. Everyone keeps telling me "well done" and it's difficult to know what to say other than "thank you" and "I loved it more than anything". You see, I don't want the compliments, I don't even want praise - I just want to be liked instead of judged and hated. It's not all bad, I know; I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill but it was just so good I suppose I'm on a bit of a come-down. I wish I was up on that stage again tonight with Ben. In fact I would be happy just dancing with him again, on or off stage. I'd do it in a deserted hall if it meant being twirled around like that one more time!
So, with my head spinning and being in a total state of confusion about what I want from life and where I'm going; I decided the best thing to do is to get away from all the things that are making me feel sad and have some time alone. Italy here I come. I'm looking forward to it because the hotel (my friend Peppe owns it) is up in the mountains. To one side it is sunny and hot enough to sunbathe and if you look out of the opposite window you can see snow-capped peaks. There's an infinity swimming pool which appears to drop away down the cliff and a hi-tech gym. I'm going to totally pamper myself and unleash my mountain of problems and life-questions on Peppe. Maybe he'll have some answers for me. I remember a time years ago when I was besotted with a silly little boy (nothing new there then!) from Harold Hill. He was really giving me the run around (even though I had paid to take him away on holiday and all sorts!) and I was beside myself! I really wanted him to want me the way I wanted him and I sat down with Peppe one day and told him everything. He looked at me in complete confusion. He said to me "Jodie, you are beautiful inside and out. You could have any man you want. Why would you want one who doesn't want you?! Please, for your own sake, get rid of him and move on. He's not even worth the air that you breathe" Now, Peppe was obviously speaking as my friend, but he did make me see sense. I suddenly saw the light and despatched of the loser guy treating me like a piece of meat with money. Peppe always has words of wisdom for me so I'm looking forward to seeing him. He's picking me up in Italy at the airport and I'm sure the first stop we make will be to see the official Valentino Rossi shop (which is right near to Peppe's hotel). I might treat myself to a replica of his bike! Ha ha.
Jordan is moving into mine for the week to look after Paddy and Lyla. I will miss them terribly (considering I've only just been apart from them for a whole week) but this is just something I need to do. If things had been different I'd be taking a gorgeous man with me (cos after all men do rock my world!) and I probably wouldn't even be feeling so shitty but they're not and I am so I have to deal with it in my own way. I might even get a flight from Italy straight back to Cyprus and go and see the fit barman. He'd definitely cheer me up and I'd come back all smiley once again. My problem is that I'm NEVER truly happy. Whatever I do and whatever I've got, it's never enough. I always want more. I've got so many ambitions in life and so many things I want to do. I don't ever want to be sitting around doing nothing. Unless I'm on the go 24/7 then I'm not happy. I believe that life is there for the taking and that obviously, you only live once. Because of that, we all should do as mush as we possibly can in the short time we are here and we should do everything in our power to find happiness. If it's not working for you right now then change it; do something about it while you can! I'm young still, I can do anything I want and anything I set my mind to. For that reason, I need to go figure out what it is I actually want. I know that one of the things I want is Ben but I just don't see it happening (although Carolina did have a dream last night that we were together, as in, together in a relationship, and that we were really smiley and happy - so who knows what the future holds?!).
I know that it isn't a man ultimately who will make me happy; only I can make myself happy, but right now everything else in my life is about as good as it gets. I've got everything I ever wanted! I should be swinging from my chandelier; instead I feel a little bit lonely, in need of a cuddle, sad that the best TV show ever will be over in 4 weeks, oh.... And a little bit hungry (I haven't eaten all day!). To be honest this isn't even about men anyway. God, yeah, I'd jump for joy if Ben called wanting to go for a drink but the bottom line is that I need to get a few things straight in my own head. I need to work out exactly where I go from here and what I want out of life. I know that I want to move abroad - that mush is clear. I also know that I want to have my own business (maybe a dance-school!). I know that I want to write (novels, sex-guides, you name it!) but other than that I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want kids or if I want to get married one day or if I want a house in the countryside or a house on the beach?! I don't know if I want one man who loves me or if I want 6 boyfriends all at the same time. All I do know is that I don't want to wake up in Brentwood every day (unless it's laying next to the man of my dreams!) and that I want to go out there and experience everything life has to offer. I don't want to be lying on my death bed saying "I wish I'd had the balls to do that - maybe things could have been different!" I want to be able to say I did everything I ever wanted and that I've had the best life I could possibly have had. I want to be proud of myself and I want to feel like I achieved something. I want to feel like I got the most out of everything I could and that I wasn't scared to try anything. I just want to be able to say "I did everything I ever wanted and it was great!" instead of having regrets (which I don't believe in having anyway!). I don't want to let any of my own fears or insecurities hold me back. I just want to go where my heart tells me and do what makes me happy. Ultimately, life is too short and I bloody well wanna make the most of it.
So, if there is internet at Peppe's hotel (or even nearby) I will write every day to let you know how I'm doing. If not, I'll write when I get back (hopefully with a more sensible and happy head on!). I'm praying that Peppe will be able to knock some sense into me like he did all those years ago!! If he can't then no one can cos he's the voice of all knowledge! Ha ha. I just know I won't sleep tonight - Lauren is here now and we're going to go into Brentwood to get some food. I've got about 4 loads of washing to do (woohooo - what fun!) and then I'm going to sit and watch the Moto GP. I'll probably get to bed at around 4am but that's ok cos it means I'll sleep on the plane! Hope you have a great week people. Talk to you soon.
Lots of love to everyone but tons and tons and tons of special love to all the people who voted for me on the All Star Talent Show. I don't want to keep on about it but you have made my year!!!!!!!!! I just want you to know how grateful I am. Thank you.
Jodie
Xxxxx
P.S This is nothing to do with anything but I realised today that Channel 5 is the best channel ever! My two favourite jobs in my whole career have both been with Channel 5 (Trust Me I'm a Holiday Rep and The All Star Talent Show). The crews are always amazing, I always have fun, the shows are always positive, fun, full of energy and highly entertaining and I never want them to end! Funny that. Perhaps one day I'll work for Channel 5 full-time as an exec or something. ha ha. I really do LOVE them though!!!
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