Ha ha. I have just read my drunk blog from last night. Oh dear. I find it absolutely fascinating seeing how my brain works whilst drunk; I turn into a two year old! I am embarrassed about some of the things I said but it's too late now, and at least it gave me a laugh to read it back just now. Plus, I know it always gives my mum a chuckle at work when she reads my drunk blogs! She calls me every day and I always know when she's just read a drunk blog because she is hysterically laughing down the phone and can't speak for the first two minutes. I just sit and listen to her laughing until she calms down enough to tell me that she's just read it.
Right this second Jordan and DJ Mark are in my kitchen eating out of the giant tin of Roses I bought the other day. They are paralytic drunk and I can hear them slurring to each other "why are we eating Christmas sweets?" it's making me giggle to listen to them. They are saying the purple one is the best. I've also got a giant tin of Quality Street and they are now getting confused. Mark must have put the lids on the wrong way tins cos he's asking why a certain chocolate isn't in the tin he's looking in (Jordan just slurred that he's looking in the wrong tin). I love Jordan and Mark's new name for them; "Christmas sweets". That's stupendous - I'm going to use that from now on.
They are now talking about why one of them won't pull a girl because he doesn't like her accent. Are men really that picky? I've never heard anything like it!!!!!!! Blimey the way things are going for me right now I'd take one that couldn't even speak a word of English! I'm joking; I really don't want a man!
I have just got back from a pub. I've been out with Jord, DJ Mark, Gangster Man and his mates and Tony and Pants. The pub we were in had karaoke so Tony and Mark had a "sing-off" and took it in turns to try and out-do each other. No one else would get up and sing so they had the whole stage and the pick of every song to themselves. Oh how we've laughed! Mark's first three songs were chosen by us (and he wasn't allowed to know what they were until the microphone was in his hand and the music had started). We chose all Christmas songs for him. To a massive pub full of people it must have looked like he was some sort of weirdo with an obsession with Christmas. He didn't even say that we were stitching him up; he just went along with it and half way through one song's instrumental bit he even shouted "Come on people! It's only ten weeks away!" to try and get them going! The whole pub was laughing at him (but in a good way). All the boys got battered drunk and me, being the only girl (and only half-sensible one) stayed sober and drove them home. Actually it's because I was so drunk last night that I stayed sober (and also because I have a very important meeting tomorrow). We have had lots of fun though. Me and Jord went for dinner in Pizza Express at 6pm (where he tried to analyze why I always pick wrong men and came up with the conclusion that all the nice ones are just terrified of me or just too wet - nothing new there then) and then we met everyone in the pub straight after that. It's now 1am and we have just got back.
Jordan and Mark are now trying to work out how they got so drunk. They seem to have got suddenly MASSIVELY more drunk in the last five minutes (but they haven't actually had any more to drink). Jordan just slurred "ish jush hit me on the hip!" - what he meant to say is "it's suddenly just hit me!" - meaning the alcohol has properly kicked in as he is now near passing out stage. I don't know where "hip" even comes into it?! I love being sober when all my best mates are hammered because they are so funny. We are all really nice drunks. We never get abusive or nasty or miserable when drunk - we just get louder and sillier and happier. That's why I don't mind being sober around them when they're out of their tree - they make me laugh.
I still can't get over the size of the bouquet of flowers I received from my friend "the admirer". I had to borrow vases from my next door neighbour to fit them all in. Both my living rooms and my dining room are FULL of flowers. They are everywhere you look; on every table and window ledge! I do LOVE flowers though and can't get enough of them! They make the house smell beautiful too! Something about having fresh flowers in the house makes me feel really happy!
Chatting to Kyle today I realised that I am actually happier now that I didn't win the All Star Talent Show Final. When I won it the first time I was so happy that afterwards it was like being on a major come-down. At the moment I won it I probably felt the happiest I've ever felt (about something I've done anyway) and I quickly realised that nothing would ever match it and that I would have to do an awful lot to get that feeling back again. Now though I don't feel any pressure at all. I just feel happy that I made it to the Final, ecstatically happy that I did "The Lift" and glad to have even done the show in the first place. Now I am already thinking "What's next?" and I am looking for something to get my teeth into. I'm ready to move on and go out there and grab every opportunity I can. If I had won the Final I reckon I would be on another come-down now instead of feeling positive and energised (which is how I feel) because I would be looking for and chasing a way to hang onto that feeling of winning something. Like my favourite Eminem song says "No matter how many battles I've been in and won, no matter now many magazines on my nuts, no matter how many MC's (or in my case 'men' or 'other celebs who bitch at me for no reason' or 'journalists' or even 'MP's' who have a go at me - also for no good reason) I eat up - It's never enough!" It's true - it's never enough! The more of a good thing you have, the more you want it ALL the time and I felt so sad after winning the first show because I knew that I wouldn't feel that good again for a long time. Now though I feel amazing and ready for anything that someone might throw at me. Bring it on and bring it hard and fast cos I can take it; whatever it is, I can take it!!!!!!
Today when we first walked in the pub (we popped in there at lunchtime for a coffee) a man of about 45 years old (who was completely drunk out of his face at 1pm) spotted me and said "blimey it's Jodie Marsh!" before getting down on his knees and pretending to worship at my feet, as he was doing this he was saying "I suppose I should worship you like this, shouldn't I?!" I looked down at him on the floor slightly embarrassed and said in a jokey way "there's no need for that babe!" I could see he was really drunk but I thought he was just messing about. As he stood up, he said "Not really! I don't respect you at all. I think you're a mug!" Jordan nearly lost the plot over it and I calmly said "well I don't respect you mate" and turned my back on him. I know I say it all the time but seriously; what's wrong with people? You gotta pity him for being such an alcoholic (being smashed drunk in the middle of the day for no reason is sad anyway) and you gotta pity him for being such a weirdo but if I was him; if I was that 45 year old balding ugly man who needed to get that hammered in the middle of the day to enjoy myself and who then got abusive while drunk; then I just wouldn't leave my house. Or I'd get a dog or a hobby or something. If you haven't got anything nice to say then just don't say anything at all. Ultimately you are the one who looks like a dick anyway. Bitterness like that is a very ugly trait and by being abusive you are only showing your own stupidity, jealousy, hatred, nastiness and insecurities. Anyone listening to that episode would have actually thought that HE was the mug, not me. I handled myself with dignity and kindness. He staggered away looking like the prick he was (to a whole pub full of people giving him dirty looks).
I never understand why people feel the need to say something nasty to a celebrity they don't even know. I remember watching a documentary about HearSay after they split up. Noel was crying saying that ever since he's had people in the street shouting "fatty" at him (and other hideous insults). I felt so sorry for him. I've experienced it first hand myself (and still do on a daily basis) but I still fail to see what the people who shout the abuse think they are achieving out of doing it?! The only thing they achieve is to make themselves look childish and jellus and very very stupid.
It's the same as when people judge me without having ever met me (like certain ex-boyfriend's mums who thought I wasn't good enough for their little angels). It angers me because I don't think you should judge people without actually knowing them. Ok; if I was anything like what the press make me out to be then fine but I'm not. The only thing that IS true is that I love sex - but who doesn't?! At least I've got the guts to admit it instead of shying away from how I really feel and pretending to be a little sweet angel. The bottom line is that, given time in my company, I honestly think ANY mother would be happy for me to be with her son. I'm polite, well-mannered and respectful. I would NEVER swear in front of a boyfriend's family, I wouldn't talk about sex or anything remotely sexy (unless they were a very outspoken family and loved a bit of banter like that) and I totally love and cherish every boyfriend I ever have (until he pisses me off and I sack him - mostly for very valid reasons). I'm not a gold-digger - I make my own money (in fact, pretty mush all of my boyfriends have taken money from ME!). When I'm "in love" I'm the perfect girlfriend all round. I even got one man off hard drugs! Surely a mother has to be pleased with that?! I encourage my boyfriends to be better people (forcing them to do charity work with me) and I support them in everything they do. People forget that I went to a Private school and that I was in the army cadets. I'm not some silly little dolly bird who would ever embarrass someone or their family or who would dress or act inappropriately on any one occasion. I do have a whole wall of my walk-in wardrobe devoted to elegant dresses (ha ha - I've never admitted THAT before - damn I'm giving away my secrets!) and classy outfits. I can talk about just about anything and hold my own and I have an IQ of 138 (recently tested). You see - it really bugs me when mothers think I am "below" their son or that I am some sort of idiot glamour model who gets her boobs out. I only did Page 3 about three times and it was just a step on the ladder for me to do what I really wanted in life. Please don't confuse me with the vile, tasteless, classless, brainless slapper Jordan (who's been very lucky by having great agents her whole career) - I WOULD NEVER in a million years get my flange out for the paparazzi because I hadn't been in a magazine for a few months. THAT is dirt. I'm sure you all know about the recent "I forgot my knickers, oh and whoops I opened my legs so wide that you all got lots of photos" snaps I'm talking about. Her mother must be so proud.....
The point is anyway that I am nothing like her and would never stoop as low as that to get publicity. Hell I don't even like publicity and these days do as LITTLE as is possible! I would be horrified if my son brought that home but me; I'm different. I've worked damn hard to get where I am today and I haven't done anything illegal or disgusting to get here. The worst I've done is get my boobs out a couple of times for Page 3 (which actually I think is a good thing - I wasn't being exploited, I was exploiting them cos they were the ones who paid me a fortune for it). Millions of girls go topless on the beach on holiday for free all the time and men stand and stare. They get a good look and drool over all the naked breasts by the pool. I got mine out for huge sums of money; and I don't get them out on holiday! The puppies are always restrained by a small bikini top!!! Sorry didn't mean to have a rant there; it just bugs me when people are so narrow-minded that they don't see the bigger picture (or give me a fair chance). Just because my name (and face) is well-known they think it's ok to form opinions on me before they've met me. It's not!!!! For example; did you know I was a "Marksman" in the army cadets? Did you know I had an IQ of 138? Did you know I am ambassador to 8 charities? If you read my blog you probably do but if you don't then you know jack (and even if you do read my blog there's still LOADS you don't know about me cos believe it or not there's a million things I DON'T share with you on here!). Stop judging!!!! And old nasty man in the pub today - get yourself down to rehab and sort yourself out. You might find you make some friends that you can have some fun with; instead of being the drunken mess who everyone avoids because you're such a wrong-un!
Rant over..... and breathe........ Resume happy typing!
I am off to bed now cos it's 2am and I have to be on form for at least an hour tomorrow! Ha ha. Hope you all had as good a weekend as me!!!!
Loads and loads of love and kisses and Christmas sweets
Jodie xxx
P.S Fancy Boy - I hope you like the pic I emailed you! I thought it would make you smile! "Your two favourite girls!" Love it! You KNOW I'm your favourite! Ha ha. It's been a while since I made you laugh with my amazing wit and I just know you've missed it ;)
I, on the other hand, don't miss my daily dose of rejection and therefore am still glad I deleted your number. Ha ha. In fact I think I am coping very well without your knock backs. I couldn't be more grounded if I tried right now. Perhaps when I'm shagging Eminem then I might need to resume my therapy with you cos my head might get big again but until then I'll send you some pictures every now and then to make you smile instead (cos I know I am a little ray of sunshine in your life)! Actually, make that a BIG ray of sunshine cos I know no one can make you laugh like I can!!!! Sh*t, sorry that sounded big-headed - do you want to go the cinema this week? What's that? No? Oh ok - thanks babe. That's all I needed to hear!!!!! Phew, grounded again! X x x x x x
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