13th December 2005 - (Part Two) 3am and just got home from the Capital Radio Help a London Child event

Me and Sarah have just walked in the door having had a traumatic but good and amusing night. For starters, we were an hour late getting ready, due to not having a clue what the dress code was for the evening. I decided on my ballgown ensemble I bought the other day from the shoot I did for Love Pouting magazine. It's the nuts! Once we were in the car, we stopped for Macdonalds on the way cos although the event was a sit down 5 course meal, we couldn't be sure we were going to like the food and as we hadn't eaten all day, thought we better get something. We're funny old birds. Give us pizza and chips any day of the week over shallots and salmon mousse!! Anyway, half way to London, my car hit the red light for petrol, but by now, we were an hour late so couldn't stop again. We carried on driving in the hope the car would get us there and to a petrol station on the way home (luckily it did). Once parked in an NCP, we got a black taxi to the venue (the trocadero). The cab driver laughed as it was literally 200 yards away from where we had parked but understood when we showed him our shoes. We jumped out, went through the doors and were confronted with a whole shopping centre full of people doing their Christmas shopping. Not a good look in a ballgown. We walked around the whole of the Trocadero for half an hour trying to find the sodding event, but had no luck. People laughed at us left, right and centre for what we were wearing and I told a sniggering woman on the escalator that I always dress up to go shopping. She actually replied "And why not? I think you look beautiful". Aaaah!

We eventually walked back outside onto the street and got directed into the event by various rickshaw drivers, taxi drivers and a club doorman. Once finally there, we made our way to the table to be told that everyone had eaten their starters already so we had to sit and eat ours alone while the others waited for the main course. My vege starter was basically a plate of rocket (good job we got macky D's) so I pushed it around the plate for a bit before we were serenaded by a massive bloke singing Barry White songs (I think it actually might have been THE Barry White, although not really sure. Really sorry if he's dead, I don't read newspapers so wouldn't know!). He was really good anyway and he took Sarah's phone off her and sung to our mate Simon at the other end. Quality. Where we were sitting was right in the main pathway you had to go down to go to the toilet so loads of people kept stopping to say hi. I saw my old mate Kirsty Gallagher, Jo O'Meara and of course Kenz. Antony Costa was sitting a couple of tables away giving me daggers. Nice. Well, if you will arrange to meet other birds behind my back Ant, I'm gonna tell my old mates at the News of the World that you've got a weena now aren't I?! The auction was really good. They raised £70,000. There was one auction item of a media package which included a load of radio and newspaper advertising space. It was meant for someone who wanted to promote a business but I was bidding for it for myself. ha ha. It's the only way I'm gonna get the press to ever be nice to me. Buy advertising space and write about myself! Genius. I gave up when the bidding hit £34,000 though. After that Girls Aloud sung a few cheeky numbers which was good and then we got up to mingle. Saw Darius (who I get on really well with) and had a little chat. I invited him to my party but he can't come as he's away. Got some photos though for the gallery. I chatted to two really nice gay men called Andy and David. They told me that since Trust Me I'm a Holiday Rep, they have become my fans and I told them that all my best mates are gay men and that I think I am actually a gay man trapped in a woman's body myself. They were lovely though. Full of praise and kindess. Now, why can't everyone who comes up to me be like that?! Loads of people told me they loved my outfit as well and asked where I got it. It did look the nuts (even if I do say so myself) but, no doubt the magazines will all rip me to shreds for it next week. I'm just waiting for the onslaught, like a man on death row. Oh, I don't really care to be honest. At least I've got the balls to be different and if everyone was the same, the world would be a boring place. So screw anyone who slates me next week for the black ballgown and bondage shoes. I loved it and so did everyone I spoke to tonight. I don't want to wear the same as anyone else. Anyway, if the gay men loved it, it must have been good cos gay men have the best taste!

Throughout the night, Dave was texting Sarah and Dimples was texting me. Dave texts to Sarah went something like this:

"U have made what's been a shit year for me into a happy ending year. I am so glad I met u x x"

and

"I am so lucky, i can't stop smiling, wish you were here gorgeous, you look beautiful tonight x x"

Mine from Dimples were along the lines of:

"hello ugly, hows your night?"

or

"just going down the gym now babe, you coming over tomorrow then shit face?"

Not really the romance I was hoping for BUT, and it's a big BUT ladies and gents... I then texted him this at some stage during the night: "I want romantic texts like what Dave sends Sarah. Can you hurry up and fall for me please? x" and he texted back "I have fallen....etc etc", need I say more?! Thankful to say that after that his texts became more loving and romantic and I was smiling as mush as Sarah (who now has a permanent dreamy look in her eyes!). At one point, Sarah was sitting facing the stage away from me and I took a picture of her bare back (she had an amazing backless dress on and her back looked amazing and sexy in it) on my camera phone and sent it to Dave saying "doesn't your girlfriend's back look amazing?" and he texted back that it does and that he's the luckiest man on earth. He loved it! Bless, I'm sooooo good at match-making!!!

The four of us have decided that we are going skiing in the new year and going to stay in a log cabin. I can't wait!!! It's going to be brilliant and romantic. It's exactly what we all need and we're all very excited about it.

When we finally left the event, we asked a taxi if he would take us back to the car park and he laughed and said no as it was 200 yards away. Sarah screamed at him through the window "but we've got shoes of life on!". Clearly he had no clue what that meant, but we couldn't stop laughing. For those who haven't cottoned on to our stupid sense of humour yet, it means that the shoes are the best shoes in the world but for them to be the best shoes ever, they are obviously really high and therefore kill our feet.

Chatting in the car on the way home (after I had changed out of shoe of life and into pink Timberlands - not so great with black ballgown), we came to the conclusion that Dimples and his mates are too fit to be a photocopier salesman and plumbers (which is what his two mates Sam and Darius are - supposedly). They all dress for the Gods, they all have fit bodies, They have a beautiful house and are really clean looking. I've never known plumbers to look like that and I've never known a photocopier salesman fullstop so I'm not sure what they look like but I'm sure they don't look like Dimples (check out the galleries for pics of them all). We have decided that they must be lying and that really they are all male escorts or porn stars. If anyone knows of their "other" life they lead, feel free to get in touch or send pictures..... Oh, and also if anyone ever sees Dimples with another bird, please make SURE you get in touch cos I want to be the first to know about it, Although if he meant what he said in his texts tonight, it doesn't look like that's gonna be a problem. Yipeeee! (Don't speak too soon Jodie, remember he still could have an internet bride and 4 kids).

Changing the subject, I'm really annoyed that tonight Kirsty Gallagher told me she hadn't received my invite to my party. I sent it weeks ago to her agent and he hadn't passed it on. Charming. Not a problem though, as I now have her email address and she said she'd love to come. Jealous boys?! You should be - she's gorgeous!

Me and Sarah are going to bed now cos we're tired and have a busy day tomorrow. I've got a carpenter coming to the new house to measure up for my dressing room rails and after that we have ten ton of party stuff to do. I also want to try and get to a fancy dress shop as my outfit still hasn't arrived from America (I sent them a snotty email earlier telling them how annoyed I am - I've even paid extra shipping costs to get it here on time). before sunday, I still need my hair and nails doing, I haven't got a clue when I'm going to fit those in as I;ve got so mush on at the moment but it's ok, cos Dimples is falling for me.....

Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!