13th December 2005 - (Part One)

The one where Dimples hangs up the phone cos he thinks he's being clever but really I'm going to dump him if he doesn't call back in the next half hour

Before I go on a rant, there are new pics in the Gallery. In Gallery 5. They contain the shots from behind the scenes on my front cover shoot for Love Pouting Magazine, shots of me on my bike whilst filming my documentary, Dimples dressed up in School Teacher Lauren's clothes (God only knows why?), me and my mates out on the piss (again) and me, Sarah and Steve dressed up in Dave's fireman suits. Randomly, we put the suits on at my house and kept them on for ages.

Ok, here goes.....

I was going to write a blog last night but felt too depressed and didn't want to be morbid so I left it til today cos I knew I'd be in a better mood.

Yesterday, me, Jordan, my mate Tom and Steve went to the Fight for Life Christmas party. Fight for Life are one of the charities I work for. All year round, whenever I've got time off and it's suitable, I go to the Middlesex Hospital in the West End and visit terminally ill children and teenagers. I take them presents and also rope other celeb mates into coming. It's really sad and drains me for ages afterwards but it's one of the best things I do. The kids get so excited and literally jump out of their beds. Yvonne and Nikki who run the charity are amazing and work tirelessly to raise funds for hospital equipment, and also to take the kids out of the hospital for a day (last time we took them to see Saturday Night Fever at the theatre, which was great). Every year they throw a Christmas party, where they take all the kids to a nice venue and we have music, entertainment, clowns, magicians, face-painters and food. This is what we were at yesterday. It's always tough when I go to the hospital and I feel like shit afterwards but the party always makes me feel even worse. At least when I go to see them in hospital, I know that I'm really making a difference to their day cos otherwise they would just be laying there bored, but with the party, it always feels like it's never enough and I feel useless. It was a brilliant day though anyway. Steve, I discovered, has the best knack EVER of playing with kids. At one point, while Chico was performing, he was sat on the floor at the front of the stage with 5 kids on his lap. They loved him! After that, he rolled around with them on the floor and let them cover him in glitter, which they mashed into his hair. He was so fab. Tom brought along his playing cards too and did magic tricks for the kids. Tom came with us last year and the kids loved him. Every year we bring along an extra person and the group of people gets bigger and bigger. When you've been once, you want to go all the time cos you realise how grateful they are to have someone new to talk to or play with. They are the nicest kids ever! I also took Emma (Big Brother) with me and my old mates Kenzie and Daniella Westbrook were there too. I love Daniella. She's a proper girl, mush like myself. She doesn't take any crap off anyone and knows what's important in life,. She'd rather be at home with her kids or out with her mates than at a showbiz event any day of the week. Top bird. I took Kenzie to the hospital with me before and made him carry five hundred quids worth of toys I bought on the day to take up there. He was wonderful though and the kids were over the moon to see him. I also met Jamie Redknapp, who was lovely and extremely polite. We all made the kids laugh, posed for pictures with them and gave them presents. Me and my brother bought a box-full of Santa hats which we dished out all day (and one of the waitresses nicked one, which we made Tom go and get back!The cheek! The hats were for the kids, not some over-excited waitress) and I bought a load of hand-painted bugs from Tom (who deals in hand-made african art), which went down amazingly well with the kids. Butterflys and Dragonflys for the girls and Spiders, Crocodiles and Lizards for the boys. At one point, we had a queue of kids all begging us for bugs! We met some amazing people and heard such incredible stories of bravery yesterday. When I got home, Sarah and Dave met me at mine (I dropped Jordan, Tom and Steve in Brentwood as they were going out) and I sat on the sofa and sobbed. Sarah hugged me and dabbed my face with tissues and tried to make me feel better. To be honest, I didn't even need comfort, I wasn't ill or in need, I just always need to have a half hour sob after I've been to the hospital or party. It's just releasing the pent up emotion of the day (which you can't possibly do in front of the kids). Sarah and Dave were lovely though and knew exactly what to say. After that, I felt better and we watched a funny film to make us laugh.

The night before, which was Sunday, Dimples came over (about 4 hours later than expected, I might add) and we went for a carvery with Lauren and Steve. Dave was over at Sarah's parents house meeting the fockers for the first time (which went really well I'm told). Me and Dimps came back to mine to meet Jonny and Emma and watched a scary film (I just played with Dimples throughout cos the film wasn't really that good). Dimples left mine at about midnight, after I begged him to stay - he wasn't having any of it, being the professional city boy that he is, so instead I sat up ranting with Jonny and Emma til 3am then fell asleep on the sofa in my clothes. I woke up yesterday morning to my dad opening the louge curtains and Tommy the chihuahua sitting on my head.

Emma had read mine and Dimples tarot cards earlier in the night, which, although I'm sure weren't totally correct (as she had forgotten her book of explanation that goes with the cards), did bring a few things into perspective for us. She said that I don't trust anyone and that I don't give men enough of a chance with me (well, that figures - none of my relationships for the last two years have been longer than 2 months) and that Dimples was wary, tells lies and is still hung up over being hurt by an ex (I took that to mean he still loved his ex and spent 15 minutes shouting that if he still loved her, then he should go back to her). Comedy.

In my defence though (and Emma agreed with me), I think I do give men a fair chance. The way I see it, if they can't impress me or make me happy in the first two months, which is, ultimately still considered to be the "honeymoon" period, then how happy am I gonna be two years down the line with them?! Not very, I tell you! All the guys I've been out with in the last few years have had two whole months to impress me and treat me right. I don't ask for mush, I'm not a gold-digger (I make my own money, thank you very mush), I don't want big flashy presents (although I wouldn't say no to a holiday in Barbados), I don't want them to give up their own life for me, nor do I want to interfere in their life. All I want is a man who truly knows and understands me, lets me do my job without interferring, will get on with his job without giving anything up for me (the last thing I want is a puppy dog following me around, I've got 7 dogs, I don't need a man acting like one), will love me and make me feel beautiful and special above anybody else, will appreciate my best qualities (and ignore my worst), will go out of his way for me, let my dogs sleep in bed with us at least 2 or 3 times a week and will occasionally present me with a cute little gesture to show that he cares. That's not a lot is it? Well, this is men we're talking about... perhaps I'll never find one like that, but my point is, I'm not going to settle for second best. If someone pisses me off or doesn't appreciate me as mush as I think he should appreciate me, he'll be out the door faster than you can say "Jog on". It's like a battered woman staying with a man that hits her, she lets him get away with a slap round the face a week into the relationship and four years down the line, he's beating her black and blue once a week. Wrong. I will not stick around for a guy that can't put the effort in and I will not stick around for a guy that moans like a girl when I want Paddy in bed for a cuddle. That, folks, is not what I want in a man, hence all my short-lived relationships. And I'd be cheating myself if I hung around with someone that was wrong for me. I know my Mr Perfect is out there somewhere, hell, he might even be Dimples (if he was to get off his arse and do something special, NB. take tips from Antony Costa, see previous blogs OR even if he was to see me more than twice a week, it'd be a start. At the moment, he has 25 birthdays and 49 weddings to go to a week AND has to fit washing, ironing, gym, work and other anal stuff inbetween all that. Now, he's on the phone asking for Dave Morgan's number as Dave told Dimples to call him this week to go out for a beer. Yet another excuse not to see me then?! I'm not too serious as I say all this. It would be nice if I felt a bit more wanted by Dimples, but at the same time, I'm happy with the way things are going. I just love to moan and debate about men which is why writing this blog every day is so perfect for me..... Although, Dimples, if you do read this (and I know you say you don't but I don't believe you), I like you very mush. The things I love about you are: your fit body, your company, your sense of humour, your dimples, your tidyness (as you know, I'm the total opposite so I do actually need someone like you) and the fact that you know all the words to Buddy Holly songs like I do. Just make me feel special. I loved that thing you did the other night when we were standing in my parents lounge and you grabbed me from behind and pulled me close. Do that more often........ and don't ever EVER lie to me. Even little white lies. I can't bear liars, I won't tolerate liars and it'll make me run from you faster than I'd run from Fran if he was coming towards me with his knob out. DO NOT LIE EVER. Please?!

On that note, I'd like to say Hello to Andrea in Dimples' office. She shouted across the office earlier that my test results from the clinic were all clear. Nice one babe. Dimples still swears blind that he doesn't read the blog so at least I can rely on you to read it to him (the important bits anyway).

Dimples has just hung up on me in payment for me hanging up on him before that. He's trying to be cool but actually I think he's acting like a stubborn spoilt little boy. I hung up as a joke (cos he was chatting to someone else and totally ignoring me so I hung up to pretend I was annoyed) but he has just done it to piss me off. Andrea, you can tell him that if he doesn't call back in half an hour, we're over.........

Today, I have been in meetings all morning at my agents office, then I have been to the new house with a load of men who came to check it out for a program I might be making there soon. They wanted to see where they could install cameras. When I finish this, I am jumping in the shower to get ready for tonight. I am going to the Capital Radio dinner and dance in aid of Help a London Child with Sarah. My man Kenz is going too so we should have a good laugh and raise lots of money. The party is now 5 days away and I'm at that panic stage where I think no one is gonna turn up. I hate that!

Dimples is in Star mag this week as my new bloke so Mummy Dimples, if you're reading this, go and get it cos your son is now famous! ha ha. Star are actually now one of my favourite mags as they are consistantly nice to me and don't print any lies. Plus, most of their writers are fit and therefore don't need to abuse people who like to be a little different like myself. It's generally ugly people that abuse me.......

I'm off to get ready, have a good evening everyone and I'll write again tomorrow with all the gossip from tonight. Don't forget to check out gallery 5 for all the new snaps, including Chris Parker (from Eastenders) and Kenzie.

My eyes have gone all blurry now, due to crying and then sleeping in my contact lenses. I hate it when that happens.

Dimples now has twenty-six minutes and counting.......