I am so tired and aching and bruised. I have just watched It's Me Or The Dog and laughed and cringed at the same time. Laughed because it was just funny to watch how naughty the dogs used to be and cringed because I looked so fat! Jesus! I'm glad I've lost all that weight now! When I think back, around the time I was filming it I wasn't going out that mush and when I did I wasn't really dancing that mush. Now every time I leave my house I'm dancing; in rehearsals, on bars and on sofas. I can't get enough. I'm a going out beast.
How cute did Lyla look though?! Ha ha. I must have had 50 texts in the last few minutes saying "oh my GOD Lyla is the cutest thing in the world!" from people who didn't see her as a baby! You should see her now! She's almost as big as the big man (Paddy). She still looks like a proper little girl though cos she's got long eyelashes and little black flicks at the corner of each eye - it looks like she's got eyeliner on!
Ha ha - that reminds me of New Year's Eve a couple of years ago when Kyle left a voicemail on my phone. He was more drunk than he's ever been and he slurred "I love you more than black eyeliner!" (I could only just make out what he was saying!) I recorded it and I listen to it every now and then to make myself laugh (the message is 6 minutes long!).
Today I have been rehearsing again. I didn't realise quite how sore and bruised I am until we tried "The Lift". My whole stomach is killing me! In the end we decided not to practice it apart from once when I was wearing the actual dress for Vanessa (I am blatantly going to try and nick that dress after the show!). We went over everything else loads though and the dance is getting better and better. I feel confident that it's going to be fab but I'm also mush more nervous than the first time around cos there's a lot more pressure now. There's pressure cos it's the Final and there's pressure cos of the big lifts. I can do the Dirty Dancing lift perfectly but there's still lots of room for it to go wrong and also it still doesn't feel safe when I'm up there! We shall wait and see what happens on the night.
I had a little chat with Ben today to clear the air and we are both mush happier. I respect him for being honest with me and I don't have any hard feelings at all. I have learnt a big lesson from it; don't go after other girl's men! Ha ha. It's not like I meant to and it's not like I've ever done it before; it's just that there was something about him that made me want to be with him and for once I thought about myself rather than someone else's feelings. Normally I always do the right thing and I still have no idea what made me do the wrong thing. I think it was because I cared about Ben more than I cared about his girlfriend's feelings. After all it's not like I knew her! I'm not trying to justify what I did; I'm just telling you how I felt at the time. Now that we spoken properly and cleared it all up I feel a lot better. I don't think I even fancy him anymore. I mean; he's still good-looking of course but our chat today made me realise that there really aren't any feelings there anymore (and that he probably never had any in the first place - even though I thought he did). You see, if he had of left his girlfriend for me; I would have moved him in (like I do with every bloke I go out with) and I probably would have been bored of him by now. Ha ha. I don't mean that he's boring - just that maybe we aren't that compatible and we all know me - I'm always looking for the absolute maximum excitement at all times! I can't and wont be happy just being loved-up and cuddling on the sofa forever more. I don't know what he gets up to in his spare time (he might jump out of planes and walk on aeroplane wings for all I know) but I just think that everything has worked out exactly the way it should have. Ben and his girlfriend are very happy together and I am very happy to not be with him (not being disrespectful there, I just mean that I am totally over him and actually glad that nothing happened). One day I'll tell you the full ins and outs of it (when I'm old and decrepit and got nothing interesting to talk about) but there's just too mush to go into now. Let's just say it wasn't just a case of me fancying someone I couldn't have! Anyway - with everything cleared and sorted; I feel like my head is in the best place it's ever been. I am genuinely happy and smiling (and still laughing over our alternative version of Lord of the Dance). My mum has had it printed up and laminated on really lovely coloured paper and she's had one done for Vanessa too so I'll give that to her on Friday when I see her.
As I type this Jordan is outside polishing his motorbike with a toothbrush (I'm not joking!). He's coming over to mine later to chill out. I'm at my mum's typing this cos I came here to watch the Dog program with everyone. I brought Paddy and Lyla and Paddy watched the whole thing intently with his head on one side and his ears up. He knew it was him and the little dogs on the screen! I'm sure he's human! I've also had a million texts tonight from women saying "who needs a man when you've got a dog like Paddy!" - he breaks hearts that one!
They're right though. I don't need a man. Of course I crave sexual activity and hugs and kisses once in a while but I really don't need a man. It's mush more fun to be single; no one to tell you what to do, no one to answer to, no one to demand that you "come home now" when you're out with your mates. You can flirt with as many people as you like and not feel guilty. You can pull someone (if you want) and you can make any decision about your life that you want without having to think about someone else. I put ME first instead of some poncing, whinging man. I do what I want to do and when I want to do it. I don't have anyone to argue with (and arguing is the crappest thing in the world and generally only happens in relationships) and I don't have to tidy up after someone. My house is spotless and I love it. Most of my friends are single too so I don't have to put up with their whinging, poncing blokes either! ;) I know I've had a lot of man-trouble this year but I can get a shag if I really want one (I just won't shag someone I don't fancy and right now I don't fancy anyone massively). If I'm honest there isn't anyone who makes me go weak at the knees (when there is you'll be the first to know!).
Instead of now thinking I'm unlucky cos I can't get a man; I now think I'm lucky that I don't have one! Honestly I have seen the light and that is that nobody I've ever met has totally rocked my world in every single way. Everyone I've ever been out with has had faults that were so bad I couldn't have lived with them for any longer than I did. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far from it (although I am perfect in bed) but all my ex's are ex's for a reason! Because they just didn't do it for me in every way ie. Mentally and physically. They didn't give me enough excitement or enough stimulation. Some of them loved themselves too mush, some weren't that clever. Some were too arrogant and some were just far too boring. Some weren't good in bed and some were just too weird. Some were ugly (inside and out) and some were gorgeous but lacking in every other department. Some were lazy and some were spoilt. Some were players and some were loved-up puppy dogs that followed me around and couldn't function without me. Some loved the sound of their own voice and some couldn't hold a decent conversation at all. Some were too young (and immature), some were too old (and boring or set in their ways).Some were unhygienic and some had horrible willys (Fran). Some were too vain for their own good and some were so insecure that they were clinically depressed. Some didn't love animals the way I do and some loved an argument! Some were complete twats and some were nice (but the nice ones are always too weak for me!) Some annoyed the living daylights out of me and some had disgusting habits that I just couldn't cope with (one grown man let his mum cut his toenails for him still - I don't even wanna talk about it!). Some were just wet and some were too demanding. Some tried to control me and some wanted to be by my side 24/7 (and suffocated me). Some had brains (but didn't put them to good use) and some were so stupid that I rolled my eyes every time they spoke. Some drank too mush for my liking and some didn't know how to have a good time. Some I couldn't trust as far as I could throw them (and that is surely the worst thing of all) and some took so little notice of me that they couldn't tell you how many tattoos I have (or what they meant). Some were so arse-licking that it made me sick and some were so infatuated with me that it scared me (they didn't even know the real me, they just thought they loved me!). Some were tight and some were ponces. Some were fame-seeking and some put me down (over what I do for a living). The one thing they all had in common is that they just weren't right for me. I've had some good times and some bad times. I don't regret any of my relationships but I wouldn't go back to any in a million years! They did all have good points too but not enough that I would ever want to be with any of them again. You see, I am so happy to be on my own that in fact I'd rather be on my own forever than put up with someone who's not right for me.
I'm sure one day I will find the right man for me and when I do I will whisk him off to get married. I won't be rushing into anything though cos even when I think someone is amazing; mostly they turn out not to be. That, or I think I'm so happy that I ignore their faults just because I WANT to be in love or WANT it to work (maybe for fear of being on my own). I have grown up now. Now I know that it's not that bad being on your own (in fact, lots of things in life are mush more fun and exciting as a single person). I have a lot more opportunity than someone in a relationship (for example if I wanna take a fit famous pop-star home for an all night session then I can) and only I control my life. I don't have to put up with anyone else's problems and I don't have to look after anyone but me. I don't worry about what my man is up to when he's late home and I don't sit around bored cos he has decided that he wants to stay in or is tired. God - why didn't Emily write that book years ago?! I'd have never have gone out with half the men I did if I had really thought about what I was doing!
Of course, you can have the perfect relationship too (like my mum and dad) but that is exactly my point; unless it's perfect then I don't want it. Who wants to be worried sick that they can't trust the person they "think" they love? Not me. I want to know with every inch and bone in my body that my partner is the best thing in the whole world. I don't want to have to fight to keep him or even fight to get him in the first place. I don't want to stay with him because of an insane urge to prove that I can keep him (when other girls are throwing themselves at him cos he's so gorgeous!). I just want to be with someone cos I love them more than anything on earth full stop. I will not compromise on this and I will not jeopardise my own sanity by being with someone who isn't 200% right! The lies and arguments and nights spent alone worrying (or sleeping on sofas) are just not worth it! Instead I know that I can go out this weekend and flirt with everything in trousers if I want. I also know that everything I've worked so hard for is my own and I don't have to share it (and that includes my amazing bed). Come on people - wise up like I have and realise (if you are in a relationship that's not perfect) that being single is so mush more fun! Ha ha. I can't believe I've wasted so mush time on thinking about what I don't have and have totally forgotten about and disregarded all the things I DO have! I'm such a twat.
My mum has just brought me a chocolate sponge pudding with chocolate custard on it! No wonder I put on weight when I still lived here! It is the best thing I've ever tasted though!
I'm really disappointed cos on Friday I am only allowed 3 tickets for the show! That means obviously that only my mum, dad and brother are coming. My friends are all gutted (and the ones I haven't told yet will be too). I've got about 30 people begging me for tickets. It's not fair! They're having a "celeb" audience so that's why we're all limited as to who we can bring. I'm so sad about it though cos my friends want to be at this more than anything and I want them there more than anything! Me and my friends are so supportive of each other and I know they are all really proud of me for this. I am genuinely gutted that they can't be there with me. I know they will all watch it on TV but it's not the same. L I'm really sad....... (sad; upset and disappointed not sad as in "geek").
Anyway, I'm going to go now cos Jord is waiting for me. I'm going to try and persuade him to watch Dirty Dancing with me! I know that deep down he loves it just as mush as I do but cos he's a man he probably wouldn't admit that. Actullay, Jord is a REAL man so he probably would (as opposed to men who are scared of women - he's definitely not scared of women! Whoever heard of something so stupid anyway?! The only woman it is ok to be scared of is Pete Burns and he's not even a real woman - he just wants to be one; and kind of looks like a very ugly one crossed with a cat and a fish).
Loads of love to every single one of you (including Pete Burns cos I have a feeling he needs some love in his life).
Jodie x x x x
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