I've given up. On Dimples that is. Or should I say, on being a stalker. It's not fun anymore. A few days ago Dimples had asked me if I'd like to go to the cinema wednesday night - that's tonight. I said 'yes' but when we looked at the film listings, the one we wanted to see was on too late (Dimples can't have too late a night cos of work). Sarah suggested we look at a different cinema, so I said I would. I've been filming all day today for a documentary (not sure what it's going to be called yet, but I did hear 'Jodie Marsh: Stripped' mentioned yesterday) so haven't spoken to him. He finally texted at about 3 o'clock to ask what I'm doing on Friday and asked 'did I want to do something?' Funny that, cos I never knew tonight was cancelled. I told him as mush and he replied that he wanted to go the gym. Fair enough, but I told him that I didn't really want to see someone, who I actually only got to see once a week at weekends. No point in that, might as well call up a f*ck-buddy and shag him once a week if that's the case. He called me "stroppy" and I told him I'd let him know about Friday. And that's the end of that.
I'm quite pissed off right now as I did still think I was seeing him tonight and to be told I wasn't at 3pm, was a slight disappointment. I know that waiting a week or even 5 days isn't that bad really but, I want him to WANT to see me the same way I want to see him (right now, I'd drop a holiday in Barbados to see him, well, maybe not, but I want to see him A LOT!). I understand that he wants to go to the gym, but he went last night. Surely every other day is enough?! Hell, what do I know? My relationships fail constantly anyway. The problem I have now is what to do? I was enjoying the stalking of him and I was enjoying the fact that he didn't actually mind the stalking, but I kind of feel like the atmosphere has changed now. I always seem to get to this point with a bloke; everything is going great, then either he gets obsessed, turns into a puppy dog willing to do anything I say and I get bored and start to see less of him, OR I feel like they're not making enough effort with wanting to see me, and that bores me as well. Either way, I find it deteriorating slowly as one or the other of us makes too mush or not enough effort. The case here being, that he's not exactly jumping through hoops to see me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him here 24/7, nor do I want him giving up his own life for me - that would send me running for the hills. BUT, on the flip side, seeing him at least once midweek and then at the weekend as well would be quite nice. What the hell do I have to do? It's not even about how many times I see him in the week anyway, it's about feeling like he's not bothered - not bothered enough to see me more than the odd Friday night anyway. Am I repeating previous blogs here? I think I just answered my own question didn't I? If he can't make the effort to see me then what am I doing wasting my time thinking about him and dreaming about him? No point fantasizing about how good looking our kids are gonna be when the 40 minute drive to mine is too mush for him to do more than once a week. Hell, he didn't even have to do the drive - I'd have driven to him. Oh stuff it. I can't even be arsed to moan anymore. I never get the balance right anyway. My advice to my friends about relationships is always spot on but I can never seem to make them work for myself. In other words, don't do what I do when it comes to men, except of course if you're looking to have great sex - then listen to EVERY GOD DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!
I'm a bit miffed about what to do tonight now. There are parties on but I'm not sure if I can be arsed to go to any. On the plus side, Lauren and Sarah are around so I will definitely see them. Sarah just texted offering to go to Bluewater, furniture shopping for my house and then go out after that. Might get involved! Furniture shopping will make me feel a lot better anyway and I quite fancy a game of darts in my local. Me and Lauren as a doubles team are still unbeaten in the pub (even against the boys) and my darts are pink with pictures of willys on them (yes I know I'm a geek)!
The filming today went really well. They wanted to see me on my motorbike so I donned my sexy leathers and took it out for a spin. I haven't ridden him for ages and had forgotten how mush I loved him! God, there is nothing better than riding a motorbike. I imagine it's pretty close to what it would feel like if you could fly. You're out there all on your own, going as fast you want to go, the wind in your face, with an intense feeling of freedom and calm. My bike is a Yamaha R6. It's black and silver and the most beautiful thing (second to Paddy) that I've ever laid eyes on. Jo took a load of pictures of me on him so they will be up in gallery soon (oooh, that reminds me, there are new drunk pictures in Gallery 4 from the weekend - have a look). It was freezing cold today but with my leathers on, I was toasty warm and loving every second of riding (did I mention how good I am at riding?).
I passed my motorbike test last year in the Summer, which was a joyous day for me. Whenever a relationship ends, I either want to do something outrageous or 9 times out of 10, I go and get another tattoo. It's a pick-me-up thing. I do it to show to myself that I don't need a man and it makes me feel better. All of my tattoos (except the one of Kim's name) have come out of a relationship ending and I decided to take my bike test after I split with Antony Costa. Not only does it make me feel better but it takes my mind off the ex anyway. Otherwise I'd probably do something silly like jump into bed with the next person that comes along or get back with them just cos I'm lonely. Anyway, now that I've spent the morning playing on the R6, otherwise known as "my boy", I think I'll spend the next few days going out riding in between work. I don't wanna stalk Dimples anymore, if he wants to see me he knows where I am. I've done most of the running, it's time someone ran for me. I also need to find another dangerous hobby soon as I can feel another ten tattoos coming on and I'm running out of places to have them. If it was up to me, I'd just keep them coming but my mum has heart failure every time I get a new one and is begging me to try and cut down on them. I've still gotta change the Porn* one to Born* as well as she is forever on my case (she HATES that one). My mate Paul, who put me through my paces whilst taking my bike test has agreed to learn to fly with me when I'm ready so I might have a look-see how we go about it. It's the only thing left I want to do in life (apart from a sky-dive, stay in the Dorchester, go on safari, own an animal sanctuary - if not private zoo or at the very least just own a monkey, go to Dubai, buy a house in Barbados, shag Valentino Rossi, have the British press and public like me and meet an amazing man who loves me more than he's ever loved anyone in his life). Got that?! There are actually loads of things I want to do so will now make it my mission to do them all. I'm not getting any younger and life is for living at the end of the day. Anyone know of any charities that do Sky-dives, let me know!
I have just been told by my book publishers that I am still selling at least 500 books a week, which is apparently really good, so he said that obviously shops are still stocking them and selling them. I did tell him that I'm getting lots of fan mail asking where to buy it, so he's gonna look into it some more. Will let you know what happens.
Jo, my publicist is still here. She's waiting for me to sign contracts while I type this. We've had a really good day today, I've rediscovered, after a few months of not riding, how f*cking good it feels to be on the road with a throbbing piece of manly machinery in between my legs and I'm happy. I'm not gonna stalk Dimples anymore (Sarah will be over the moon), I've got too mush other excitement at the moment anyway. We have just confirmed human statues, ice sculptures in the shape of high heeled shoes, fire jugglers, chocolate fountains and a candy floss machine for my party so I'm grinning with glee. If Dimples wants to see me, he'd better get his arse in gear, cos one thing I know about myself is that I don't hang around for long. If things aren't going my way (which is just that I want to feel special), I'm up and off onto the next project or stunt or country. No point moping around trying to see someone that's clearly not that bothered. I'd rather stick toothpicks in my eyeballs than wait on a man who doesn't deserve me and the love I've got to give. I'm not saying that Dimples doesn't deserve me (cos he IS a lovely bloke) but he's definitely not showing me as mush attention as I'd like and, quite frankly, that bores me. Earlier I was like a wilting flower that needed watering, some tlc and a little loving. Now, after the rant on here, I'm fired up and ready to go. My energy is through the roof, my passion for life is sky high and I can't wait to whip the boys arses at darts later (after cleaning Bluewater out of all it's sexy furniture). People I am going to love you and leave you as I have contracts to sign for great things to come. I'm wearing a fluffy orange and white tracksuit and I feel like good things are coming my way. I'm smiling cos Paddy loves me more than anything, and that folks, is all I need in life (apart from a good shag occasionally).
Lots of love
xxxx
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment