I am finally back in my house after a 29 hour bender. We started at 8pm last night in the Slug and Lettuce. There was me, Dave sax, School teacher Lauren, Tony Trumpet, Rusty, Max (boy in the attic), Chloe, Becky, Danny, Nic Bongo and his cousin, Barmaid Sam, Pants, Jim (otherwise known as Potter, as in "Harry"), Faye, Sarah, Dave (Morgan) and of course the birthday boy Jordan. Earlier in the day, we had been to Bluewater and I had managed to blag 20 Krispy Kreme doughnut hats off the guy in the shop. They were the proper little vending man hats, made of paper. As soon as everyone arrived, I planted one on everybody's head. Whenever it's someone's birthday, we have to have some sort of hat or wig or dress-up costume for the whole group so that No 1. we all look silly. No 2. we all have a better time and No 3. we all know who's a part of our group and can be spotted easily in a crowd (we've left plenty of people in random pubs before now, but they are stories for another time). On Lauren's birthday I bought pink Barbie tiaras for everyone (even the boys wore them). So, all in our Krisy Kreme hats, we sunk a few shots in the Slug then moved onto the Litten Tree. In there, I ordered a whole box of shots and handed them out. We made Jordan do about 5 then walked to the Gardeners Arms, where our mate Willard was DJing. He played Town Called Malice 4 times in a row and other classics especially chosen for Jordan. Marge and Parge were already in the Gardeners when we got there and mother became the designated photographer for the night. She went round snapping everyone in the group. By then another 6 people had joined us, including my cousin Greg, an old family friend Marie and Rusty's brother Matty batty.
After another 6 drinks each we ordered 4 cabs and piled in them to go to the Horse and Groom in convoy. Mummy and Daddy couldn't handle the pace so went home, telling us before they left not to let Jordan "get too larupped". I don't really remember mush about the Horse and Groom, except that our mate Paul, who owns it, put the jukebox on free play and I chose all the songs for the night. We had a good old sing song and Jordan was so drunk he actually danced (which is when you know Jordan is really drunk cos he NEVER dances). Me and Dave sang Bon Jovi "Always" to each other at the tops of our voices and Russ tried to pull every single girl in the whole pub. We managed to get my Dave and Russ to kiss on the lips 4 times (girl power!) and I got a photo of it (mush to all the girls' delight! Bring on the Brokeback mountain re-enactment!!!!!) By 1am it felt like we'd been out for 12 hours so I ordered kebabs for everyone and got them delivered to the pub. After that we all went home in cabs. We'd had more than enough for the one night.
This morning we were awake by 9am. Jordan called to say he was already back in the Slug and his first order at the bar had been two bottles of champagne. We got dressed quickly and went straight to the pub to meet him. By then everyone else was back there and they not only had champagne, but cocktails on the go as well. Today is officially Jordan's birthday, so even though he's been celebrating all week, today he REALLY celebrated. Me and Dave slipped to the shops before we went in the pub. I got Jord a load more presents to unwrap and Dave bought him a giant fire engine helium balloon, which got tied to Jordan's wrist the minute we got there. All the faces from last night were there again and it quickly turned into a drinking competition, which then turned into a "how many Pringles can you fit in your mouth in one go?" competition. My cousin Jo's boyfriend Tony won with 23. He couldn't actually chew them, in fact he couldn't breathe, but he did get all 23 in, in one go.
Half way through the day, Lauren and I realised that nobody had a hat or wig or outfit of any kind so we ran to our local Peacock shop and for £30 kitted out the whole group. To give you an idea: Tony trumpet had a woman's pink nightie, 70's shades and a baby's bib on, Jordan had women's size 24 pink frilly knickers, a baby's bib, a white bra (with oranges for boobs) and a baby's pink bonnet etc.... The best effort by far was Russ, who had a pink satin slip on and, wait for it..... a pair of size 8 purple stilettos!!! We picked them up for three quid! Joy. Wait til you see the photos! It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. He looked like some sort of half-hearted trannie. A boy, with boy's clothes, face and hair but pink satin dress and purple stillies. Honestly, I think we all cried laughing for half an hour before being able to function normally again.
We left the Slug and popped into the Swan (a proper old man's pub but we'd heard they had a piano). The barman got arsey with us though cos apparently you're not allowed to have fun in there so, after a very loud rendition of the Small Face's - Lazy Sunday Afternoon (with Jord on the out-of-tune piano), we moved onto the Litten Tree. We walked in, with 6 boys dressed as women or adult babies, to a pub full of real blokey blokes watching the football. Not good. We got the bar and made the wise decision to leave before we all took a beating. Back to the Gardeners it was for a few more and then back to the Slug (with a quick stop at Macdonalds in between). At this point, Dave and I slipped off home for a break (and also because my mum and dad were crying for the Krisy Kreme's to be brought to them - they'd heard I had Key Lime Pie ones). We stayed with them for half an hour before Lauren was begging me on text to go back and join them. She was the only sober person and needed some help. By then everyone was in the Horse and Groom. We arrived back there to find Jordan slumped in a corner and Tony wearing Cricket batting gloves (he'd found them earlier in my car, they'd been left there by Max, who came as a cricketer to my fancy dress party). Jordan only lasted another hour before asking to be taken home. We all decided to leave at that point, as it had got to the stage of not being funny anymore. I saw Jordan home safe and sound and now it's just me and Dave. He is wetting himself with excitement cos MTV just played Orson, which is his favourite band at the moment. I have to be up at 6am cos I am filming all day tomorrow. I am also judging the "Showgirl of the year" competition and meeting a girl who won a competition to spend a day with me. Dave is coming with me, not through choice, but through me demanding that he come. If I've got to get up at 6am on a Sunday, then it's only fair he does it with me. Plus, I'll only be thinking about him all day if he doesn't come. I am very excited about the filming. I actually feel very honoured that I've been asked to do it. As usual I'm not allowed to say what it is cos I have a feeling it'll remain secret until the PR company decide to break the news, but I just know it's going to be great. I'm working with someone I've been a fan of for a long time and have a lot of respect for. I can't wait to meet him and I can't wait to play my part in the film. Will tell all when I'm allowed.
Better go to bed now as Dave is slowly fading on the floor. I'm going to be extremely tired tomorrow but it'll be worth it.
None of us are drinking for a month now. We need to give our bodies a break. Enjoy your Sunday......... have a roast for me, cos I'm not going to get one.
Lots of love
xxxx
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