4th June 2006 - The one about silly men!!

So last night me, Alex and Selina went to 195 in Epping. My brother drove us there and Lauren came and met us there an hour later. Alex and Selina are both newly single (as opposed to me who's been single for 72 years) so we went out with the intention of being chatted up. We had a table out in the main room (we don't like being in the VIP cos there's no action in there!) and a bottle of vodka awaited us. Alex was the first to be chatted up by a guy who looked just like Valentino Rossi (I noticed this immediately of course). He gave up after asking Alex if he could buy her hair salon and then asking her to come and work for him (why on earth would she want to give up her lucrative and successful business and go and work for someone else?!). Alex made it very clear she wasn't interested and ten minutes later (after we'd nick-named him "silly salon man") he came over to me. His opening line was "I was only chatting up your mate to try and get to you" - errrr.... That's not going to work mate!

We then launched into a conversation which I only took part in because he did look scarily like Valentino. I thought I could practise my chat up lines for when I meet the real thing!

He waffled on about how he wanted to do my hair and that if I didn't like it, he wouldn't charge me. I explained that my mates (ie. Alex) do my hair and that they come to my house (no arsing about going to salons for me!) and they don't charge me anyway. He then said "Yeah but I'll do it better!" Insulting my friends isn't going to get you far either! After ten minutes of hair chat, he asks "can I take you out for a drink?" I say "no" so he asks "can I kiss you", again I say "no". He then launches into a speech about how he's really rich, he's never been turned down, there are twenty girls in the club that he could take home immediately for sex if he wanted it and that I'm the toughest challenge he's ever had. I'm not impressed by any of this and I'm certainly not a challenge - I'm just not interested. He then tells me that he does "loads" of celebrity's hair and says "no offence, but I do people's hair who are mush more important than you!" I say "well, that does offend me!" and he says "why?" I say "do you do the Prime Minister's hair?" he says "no" so I say "well you don't do anyone more important than me then!" He shakes my hand at that and says "you're spot on and I can't come back from that". No mate, you can't. He knows loads about me, like the fact that I'm from Brentwood, I've been privately schooled, he knows a lot of my boyfriends by name but he keeps repeating "I don't want to sound like a fan"..... well then don't mate! Think of something to talk about other than how mush you know about me. He then decides that being cocky is the way forward and says "You've never had a decent boyfriend, I mean what was Kenzie all about?" I tell him that Kenzie was the nicest bloke I've ever been out with and he says "yeah but he's not on your level looks-wise is he?!" I say "Being in love with someone is not about the way they look mate. For your information, Kenzie is still one of my best friends, he's the nicest bloke you'll ever meet and you have just shown to me that all you care about is looks. On top of all that, Kenzie is very good-looking anyway!" He then gets embarrassed and tries to back-pedal. He's made a fool of himself and he knows it. Lucky for him he looked like Rossi, otherwise I would have walked away. It was just something in those big brown eyes that made me stay. He then demands to know how he can get me to agree to a date or even a kiss. I tell him over and over again that I don't date strangers and that I certainly don't kiss them. He won't give up. After another hour I'm quite liking his persistence and therefore liking him a bit more. After another half an hour I tell him that if he manages to find out where I live and sends me some flowers I'll agree to go out with him. He rises to the challenge and says that he will do this. I'm smiling now. Five minutes later he changes his mind and says "instead of finding out where you live, why don't I give you my bracelet (a diamond one) and then I HAVE to see you to get it back?!" I shake my head. "Flowers to my house or no date". He won't drop it. After ten more minutes of harassing me to take his bracelet, I half agree (and am half forced) as he takes my arm anyway and puts the bracelet on me. By now, it's 1.50am and Jordan is picking us up at 2am. I tell him I'm leaving soon and he suddenly shouts "you can't take my bracelet!" I ask why and he says "because it's worth £4500!" I ask him if he trusts me and he says "you are not walking out of here with my bracelet on, all the doormen here work for me and they will not let you leave with it!" Funny, I thought he said he was a hairdresser, not a security firm owner! On top of that, I know all the doormen at 195 and they certainly do not work for silly salon man. He takes the bracelet back and I walk out of the club with Alex, Selina and Lauren. We stop at the toilet on the way out and I know that silly salon man has followed me. Sure enough when I come out of the toilet, he's waiting for me. I tell him he's blown it and walk down the stairs with him calling my name the whole way down. Once outside, he shouts my name the length of the walk up the road until I get in the car. It was a good night.

I didn't want to take his silly bracelet; he practically forced me. I would never have stolen it; I'm not that sort of person. All I wanted was flowers for me to agree to a date but he took it the step further of making me take an item of his. When I eventually agreed (and I would have met him to give it back - after all, he did look like Rossi) he should have left it there (after giving me his number). Instead he tried to act like a gangster and totally blew the ground he'd made up after his very dodgy start. Why oh why is the world full of weirdos?! Much as he had made a tit of himself in the beginning, I had quite warmed to him and was willing to see him again. His behaviour at the last minute changed my mind again. I wonder if he's still standing in the street outside the club now just mumbling "Jodie come back" under his drunken breath.

Oh, and I nearly forgot another gem of a comment he came out with at one point during our conversation. He randomly looks me in the eye and says "I'll ruin you", meaning he's too mush for me and that he'll have me begging for more. I just laughed in his face and said "Mate, there's a very good reason I've got the word HeartBreaker tattooed on my leg - it's because I eat boys like you for breakfast". He didn't have a good come back to that either.

Oh the joys of going out and meeting wonderful men. Not. When will I be chatted up by someone normal, I ask you?! Meanwhile Alex and Selina were chatted up by 'Stripey shirt man' and 'Cardi bendy legs man'. Lauren was being harassed in the corner by 'cream shirt stubble man', all of them otherwise known as 'Steve'. For some reason, Alex decided that everyone we met was to be called Steve and that's what we called them to their faces all night. Stripey shirt man asked Alex out at one point and she said "no". When he asked why not, she replied "cos all men are w*nkers!" and turned her back. That's my girl! As a group, we're not particularly loving men right now!

Jordan drove us home silently as we chattered on about all the silly man and laughed at our dancing. We got back to mine and Alex and Selina slept on the sofa with two huge fluffy blankets. Oh we know how to have fun. And to think we'd gone out in the hope of meeting a load of fit blokes to bring home for a mass-orgy! Ha ha. No chance of that round here!

Alex, Selina and Lauren have been here all day today. Alex has put a load of new extensions in for me and we have moaned about men non-stop. We've laughed about 'cardi bendy legs man' (so-called because he was wearing a cardigan and had long gangly legs which looked funny when he danced) and have eaten pancakes with chocolate sauce inside. Lyla has bitten all of our toes and we've spent the day trying to entertain her with toys.

We're now contemplating what we're going to do about food. I think me and Lauren are going to go into Brentwood and get something and then we might end up in a pub. Jordan has now flown to Italy to stay in our Peppe's hotel. I was supposed to go with him and had even booked my flight but due to Lyla's surprise arrival, I've decided not to go. It's not fair. She's only 8 weeks old and she thinks I'm her mummy now. She's settled in really well. Paddy loves her; even the little dogs are being nice to her. She's having a run around in the garden every day for exercise and she's sleeping in my arms in my bed at night. She has already learned to sit when I say "sit" and it just wouldn't be fair to leave her for 4 days.

It's been a lovely sunny day today. I'm really hoping the weather stays nice now and that we have a great summer. I want to go and buy garden furniture and giant umbrellas to sit under. I've seen a hammock I want, plus I still need to order a trampoline and quad bike! So mush to do, so little time.....

Hope you all had a great weekend and that you got chatted up by nice normal people. We didn't and although we've had fun, it does start to slightly grate on your nerves when people are so weird all the time. Where are all the normal men?!!!! Someone help us please!

Lots of love and sloppy wet puppy kisses

Jodie

Xxx

P.S I'm soooooo glad that Hollie won Strictly Dance Fever last night. She was the best by far. In fact I'm gutted I didn't go to the bookies three months ago and put a bet on her. The odds were probably 50-1 or something. I'd have made a fortune. I said from the very first time I saw her dance that she would win. Lana came second which is brilliant too. She's from Brentwood so of course we've all been rooting for her to do well. I'm so chuffed that a Brentwood girl came second! I feel quite sad that the program is finished. I don't know what I'm going to look forward to every week now.............. all I've got ahead of me is puppy poo and weird men!