2nd January 2006 - KIM BANYARD R.I.P

This morning I bought: a 42" plasma TV for my bedroom, an espresso-maker, 6 espresso spoons (although I don't yet have espresso cups), a garlic crusher, 12 mugs (for tea and coffee), a cheese knife and a cow-print toilet seat (for the guest bathroom, which is all black and white). I am now back at home having my hair done for the New Year.

I am so excited at the thought of my bed being delivered next week, I can't even tell you! I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing that matches the joy of buying house stuff. I've got someone coming to fit phone lines and internet connection etc next week as well. So that I can do my blog from the new house of course! The burglar alarms and panic buttons are also being fitted in a few days. It's all steam ahead for me now. I aim to be properly moved in by 3 weeks time. Then, my friends, I will be the happiest person alive! I've had my own flat for years but this is my first house. Paddy is excited too. He's been up to the new house with me a few times and has sniffed the whole place from top to bottom. He even slept there with me one night on a duvet on the floor. If Paddy likes it (which he does) then I just know I'm gonna love living there.

Enough house stuff anyway, my brain isn't quite working today. I seem to have lost all enthusiasm and imagination today. I don't know why, I think it's a combination of still feeling quite ill (the cold and cough has now turned to sore throat and aching body), the fact that only 5 shops were open in Brentwood today (apparently it's a Bank Holiday) so it was like a ghost town, the fact that me and Dimples split up last night (due to him not calling me on New Year's Eve), the fact that it is nearing the anniversary of Kim's death (the 9th Jan) and the fact that a little while ago, while I was waiting for Sonia to arrive to do my hair, I went on an internet forum to have a look-see and a load of muppets with no life were slagging me off yet again. I shouldn't take it personally cos they werren't just slagging me off, they were slagging loads of celebs off, but it pissed me off for some reason. I mean, why are they so hostile and bitter towards me?! It's not like I've slept with their dad or stabbed their brother. They've never even met me, yet think nothing of calling me "ugly", "pointless", "vile", amongst other things, on a daily basis. Maybe I'm just different or weird or, in fact, too nice, but I physically COULD NOT slate someone I'd never met or who hadn't been horrible to me first. I'd have no reason to be nasty about someone I didn't know. What is up with people?!

Anyway, due to all of the above, I'm feeling drained of energy and slightly morbid. The new house is exciting me but I can't talk about that anymore cos you'll log off out of sheer boredom. Instead I'm going to tell you about the time my brother once proved to me why he's the best brother in the world:

A few weeks after Kim's death, was another friend of mine's 21st birthday party. I had promised to go, and felt like I couldn't really let him down. All I really wanted to do was sit at home and cry to myself but Jordan forced me out of the house. He though it would be good for me, as since her death, I hadn't even had a wash, let alone been out of the house. When we got there, everyone was dancing around and drunk and obviously I wasn't in the mood to join in. I sat in a dark corner of the marquee for the whole night with a glum face and at one point began to softly cry. I didn't want anyone to see that I was crying cos I was still trying to pretend to everyone that I was fine so I turned away from the dance floor to face the wall and sat looking at my finger-nails, trying to look like I was doing something as I cried. Jordan noticed straight away that something was wrong though and came over asking me if I was ok. I told him I was fine and that I just didn't feel like joining in with the fun. He said that he just wanted to see me smile and that it was upsetting him to see me like this. I told him that nothing would make me smile and that I appreciated his concern but that if he just left me, I would be ok. He wouldn't drop it though. He insisted that he wanted to see me smile and that he would do anything to achieve this. I told him again that "nothing would" and he walked away. Two seconds later, he was back with the most biggest giant bowl of pasta salad from the buffet table. It was an industrial size bowl full to the top of pasta in a creamy white cheese sauce. He asked "If I dump this over my head, will it make you smile?" I replied weakly "yes" and with that, he lifted the bowl above his head, turned it upside-down and dumped the whole lot over himself. As the pasta dribbled down his cheek and he wiped the sauce out of his eyes with a grin, I had to crack a small smile. For that, I love him. He achieved the impossible that night and proved to me how mush he cares. I will never forget his words to me that night and it is a story I regularly tell people when I want to give an example of how amazing my brother is.

The 30th Dec 05 (3 days ago), was the 3rd anniversary of the last time I saw Kim alive. I remember it like it was yesterday. She called me and asked if she could come over with her then, 10 week old baby. We spent the night in my parents lounge with my mum and dad. Me and my mum fought over holding the baby and we chatted for hours. I showed the baby the Christmas tree lights (which he loved) and walked him around the room for ages before settling dowm on the fireplace to have a cheeky cigarette with Kim, while my mum took over baby-holding. We chatted about men, Christmas, the baby. We gave Kim a laod of clothes for the baby that we had bought, we drank orange juice and cups of tea (and my mum, dad and Kim had a glass of champagne each). When it was time for her to go, I helped get the baby in his car seat, hugged her and kissed her and told her I would see her soon. Nine days later she was dead. I never got to even say "goodbye" and what hurts the most of all is this:

While she was at mine that night, she confessed that she wasn't getting on very well with her boyfriend. She told me they were arguing lots and that he was being a prick. I didn't think too mush of it, after all, we had always moaned about men. I didn't like her bloke anyway but wasn't going to tell her that, as I didn't think it was any of my business, especially since she'd had a baby with him and until then had raved to me about how mush she loved him. Anyway, when I got the horrific news (on the 12th Jan, as her body wasn't discovered until then), I was told that it was her boyfriend John who had killed her. The guy who I hated, the guy that she had had a child with and the guy that she clearly told me that night was "giving her a hard time". Hell, she even told me that she wanted to come to mine to "get away from him for a few hours". Now, I have to live with the fact that I knew she wasn't happy in her relationship, I knew they weren't getting on, I knew he had driven her to wanting to come to mine for a few hours just to get away form him. Of course I couldn't have known what horror was to come, but I did have an inkling that something wasn't right. For that, I beat myself up nearly every day. If only I'd grilled her more about their arguments. If only I'd begged her to stay with me for a few days. If only I'd told her to leave him and how mush I despised him. I don't believe in having regrets because I think that every mistake you make is a lesson to be learned and that our mistakes are what make us better and wiser and stronger, but if I could change one thing in my life, it would be letting her get in her car to drive back to him that night.

Kim, my darling angel, I love you and miss you every single day of my life. I'm sorry that I didn't do more to get you away from him and I take no comfort in the fact that he has been given life in prison. You were so beautiful and funny and kind and caring. You were one of the best friends I've ever had. You made me laugh hysterically and your stories were the best. Your son will be told how amazing you were and he is being looked after by the best possible person. I know I'll see you again one day and I look forward to that. You brought happiness and smiles to everyone you ever met and the world is a sadder place without you in it.

Kim Banyard R.I.P