I have just laughed my socks off!!! I've also had my mum on the phone screaming with laughter (she was laughing so hard she couldn't even talk for 5 minutes). We're laughing at my drunk blog. It's hilarious; the best bit is "she touched his weena!" - pure comedy!
My mum was also wetting herself at the thought of us drunk trying to clear up dog poo and gagging. She said we are totally mad. We know that already though! Last night was highly amusing. We did have a great game of dares. We always play dares in clubs. It makes for an entertaining evening. I can't believe I licked a blokes eyebrow! Also, the aim of the game is that you're not allowed to tell the people the dare is about that you are playing dares, so you have to find a way to do the dare without them knowing it's a game. I had to stand and talk to him for ten minutes pretending I LOVE piercings and saying how much they turn me on. That way, when I suddenly reached up and licked it, it didn't seem that odd. After I licked it I apologised for my "forward" behaviour and scuttled off to where Lauren, Tony and Cristian were in fits of laughter! Lauren's dares were far worse than mine though. She had to snog a man and touch another man's willy!!!!! Aaaaah! I'm the queen of good dares!
One of Cristian's dares was to go and make friends with a guy who was dancing and then to dance with him. He did it no problem but then as the guy he was dancing with realised that they were having a bit of a dance-off, he started showing off. Turns out he was the best dancer in the club and I stood perving over him for the next half hour. All girls love a man who can dance! I'm adding that to my list of credentials for my next boyfriend. Must be fit. Check. Must have humour. Check. Must have a working sausage. Check. MUST be able to dance!!!!!!!!!
I did have a cheeky snog with Blondie last night. I think I might have mentioned it in the drunk blog. Ha ha. Not only is he a good kisser but he smells amazing! I love a man who smells good (you'd be surprised how many don't!). I've always said the first thing I notice about a man is his teeth and shoes but I think his smell is just as important. Teeth, shoes and smell. If those three are good then you're halfway there! I remember as I kissed Blondie I thought he smelled good enough to eat. I didn't want him to leave after that but none of the boys wanted a late night. They can't hack three nights of partying in a row. Not like us hardcore party beasts!!! Actually I think it's just the fact that they all had work in the morning and we didn't!
I had so many strange ones last night. One guy walks up and says "Hi babe, you're gorgeous, what's your name?" I replied "Lauren", he then says "No it's not, it's Jodie - don't lie!" SO WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR THEN???????????????
Another one walks up and says "Can I have a photo with you please - it's not for me, I don't even like you, it's for my girlfriend - I want to make her jellus!" - charming! Ha ha. He then proceeded to come back 3 times for more pictures. If you don't like me, why do you keep coming back interrupting my precious dancing time? People can be so buggy!
Another guy asked for my photo and then his mate just filmed me for a minute standing there grinning like an idiot as I thought he was trying to take a pic. He then came back and did it another 4 times. There's me each time thinking he's gonna take a pic and each time he has just got a minute's worth of film of me standing still grinning like a wally waiting for the photo to be taken. What is wrong with people?! I had at least 5 blokes ask for a kiss on the cheek, only to turn at the last minute so that I kissed them on the lips - that old chestnut! Mind you I find that quite funny. Not cos I wanna kiss all these strangers on the lips but because No 1. God loves a trier and No 2. if they've got the balls to do that then you gotta admire them! Ha ha.
Another guy (the one who kicked me) spent two whole hours bugging all of us. He WOULD NOT go away. He kept grabbing me and was drunkenly slurring in my ear about how amazing I am. He kept trying to buy me a drink (which I very politely declined each time) and got annoyed when I wouldn't let him, shouting that he wasn't going to "spike it". I said that I didn't think he would spike it, just that I had had enough to drink so then he starts asking me for a cigarette (this is after he'd kicked me in the leg twice for not turning round while he was screeching my name at the top of his voice). He said that if I gave him a fag he would go away and leave me to get on with my night (praise the Lord!). I gave him one and he turns to Tony and says that I'm rude and I'm not all that anyway (meaning looks-wise). Tony then screams in his face "Well if she's not all that why the f*ck have you been harassing her to death for the last two hours mate?! F*ck off or I'll have you thrown out!" he gives us two minutes peace before coming back to harass me again. He's saying that he thinks he upset my mate and that he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen in his life. He says he hates Jordan and that if he ever sees her he'll give her abuse for me. Thanks mate, but you don't need to go that far! He then asks for another fag and gets angry when I say "no". At this point he has his arm around my waist and is digging his nails into my side so mush that it's hurting. I physically can't shake him off (short of kneeing him in the balls and causing some serious damage) so I look over at Lauren as if to say "help". She comes over, drags him off me and takes him to one side. She says "Come on mate, you've been all over her for two hours, you've kicked her twice, you've had a cigarette off her, you're being a real pest now. You can't keep grabbing her like that. I'm going to give you a choice. You can either go away nicely or I will have a big doormen come over and throw you out. Which is it to be?" The drunk man looks at her, takes a step back, bends down so that he is at her eye level, opens his mouth and screams a blood-curdling, throat-wrenching scream in her face! The scream lasts about 5 seconds and he then doesn't say another word. Lauren then says very calmly "Well, yes, I take your point. And it's a very good point but that's not the answer I was looking for!" whilst clicking her fingers at the nearest doorman. Ha ha ha ha. I love that response - "Well, yes, you have a very good point my friend" after the weirdest scream in her face! She is pure class! We laughed for the next two hours over that one! Weirdos!
So, Lauren and I got up late today. I was meant to get up early cos I've got so mush to do but we didn't surface til 11am! Filth. Mind you, we have absolutely ruined ourselves this weekend. In one hour I am off to my dance lesson with Ben. Can't WAIT!!!!! Then when I finish I have to find my passport. I have no clue where it is. I last had it when I came back from Jersey but my new celeb fancy-man picked me up from the airport and we went straight to mine to get back in bed for the day as neither of us had been to bed the night before. I also have to make a million phone calls, pack my case and remember to get money out for Lauren to give to the cleaners! So mush to do, so little time. I'm really looking forward to going away. It'll chill me out a bit I think. I've been all over the place recently. I've snogged more men than I did when I was a teenager. I've taken 20 phone numbers in the last three days. One minute I want a bloke, the next I don't and I'm behaving like a 16 year old (as well as snogging them). I'm going to place all blame for my behaviour on Fancy Boy. After all, if he hadn't turned me down I could have been loved-up and behaving like a lady by now. Actually it's not his fault at all, I'm just gonna blame him for everything that goes wrong in my life from now on. Ha ha. It's always good to have someone to blame for your own erratic behaviour..... When I'm still single and childless at 40 I'll be saying "No, mum, it's not my fault, you KNOW I've never been the same since Fancy Boy turned me down!" ha ha.
I'm joking, of course. It's his loss not mine I've come to realise. Where else is he gonna meet a fit girl with her own money, a sense of humour to die for, the brain of a scientist, the kindness of a saint and who can shag like a porn star?! Not in this lifetime he won't meet one. Ha ha. And that makes me feel good. Knowing that actually if I'd really pursued it, I probably could have got him (I ALWAYS get what I want in the end) and that he probably wouldn't have been any better than any of my boyfriends I've had in the past, gives me a sense of satisfaction. Plus, he's got a younger brother who's the spitting image of him so in a few years, well, you never know....... Ha ha (joke). I think that actually my friends just made me see what I'm worth and the love I have to give is so mush that I shouldn't settle for second best or for someone I've had to fight to get. What's the point?! If a bloke can't see all my good qualities then he's not worth having. I don't need to feel like a lesser mortal around someone and that's how he made me feel. Not that he's ever pulled anyone nice or even remotely sexy (not that I've seen anyway - he'll settle for anything at the end of the night) so the conclusion is that it's his problem, not mine. Why should I worry my pretty little head over it when I'm not actually missing out on anything by not being with him. Yeah alright so he's fit - who isn't?! I've been asked out by Robbie Williams for crissakes!!!! It's not like Fancy Boy's got Angelina Jolie crying outside his door begging him to go out with her. Far from it. So, the moral of the story is girls; if you like a bloke and they don't like you, take a step back, take a look at the situation and assess what's actually going on. Chances are, it's not anything to do with you personally - it's the man's problem. If he can't see what you're worth (which is probably your weight in gold, no, diamond) then it's his loss not yours. Why would anyone want to be with someone who didn't appreciate the little things about you that are amazing. Things like you've only got one dimple or things like you get embarrassed when someone pays you a compliment. Cute little traits you have that other people notice and love about you are part of what makes you special and if a guy can't see any of those or doesn't even want to get to know you properly then he's just not worth it. Why have someone you look up to but who looks down on you?! Why not have someone who thinks you're the greatest thing on earth and who loves you more than he's ever loved anyone?! Trust me, true love is the way forward. So... for all of you out there who have been through or are going through the very same thing right now. Give up - move on. And once you do you'll feel more powerful than you've ever felt.
Anyway, moving on. I've gotta go and get ready for the best male dancer alive! I have to leave in half an hour. I didn't manage to get dance shoes cos the only dance shop for miles around has closed down. I hope Ben shouts at me - I love it when a man gets angry. Ha ha. Instead I will have to do it in my trainers. We're practicing the lifts today. Oooooh! It's just like Dirty Dancing! Ben will have me in a lake later on no doubt. Ha ha.
Hope you are all having fun! Lauren has gone to get her suitcase for when she moves into my house later on today. She'll be back by the time I finish dancing. I might write again later if I'm not too stressed about packing. I'm going to try and find a computer I can use on holiday so I will try and do a few blogs while I'm out there (if I'm not too deathly hungover that is). If not, I will write when I get home and/or leave Lauren in charge of the blog for the week. She's looking after everything else for me - why not that as well......
All my love (and hugs and kisses and scratches and bites and hair-pulling and tender stroking)
Jodie
xxxxx
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