Here I am sitting at my computer again. I thought that since yesterday was National Be Honest Day, we should also make the rest of the week National Be Grateful week. Because personally I don't think people are ever truly grateful for anything they have in life; or for anything people do for them. I got to thinking last night (after I received the stupid and rude texts from somebody I had gone out of my way for) that one of the things that pisses me off in life is when people are ungrateful. I have a very good example of this:
A few months ago I was walking down Brentwood High Street with a friend of mine. We were on our way to meet Jordan for lunch (who was already waiting for us in a restaurant). As we walked, a huge noise started the other side of the road. It turned out to be two dogs fighting. An old guy on a disabled scooter had a sweet little collie dog tied to the handlebars and a woman walked past with a staff. The staff kicked off and wanted to fight the collie and laid in to him so badly that nobody could get him to stop. Staffs have lock-jaw so when they clamp down anyway, you've got little chance of doing anything to make them let go. Nobody around seemed to be helping. The old guy (the owner of the collie) was nearly in tears and bleeding badly himself (where he'd also been bitten by the staff). He was desperately trying to get the staff off his dog (which now looked like it wasn't going to stop until he killed it). People everywhere were screaming but not actually doing anything. I ran over to help. Eventually we did get the staff to let go but as it pulled away it took with him the biggest chunk of flesh from the collie's neck. The collie was now pouring blood and had a hole in his neck the size of my hand (that you could see his muscle and tendons through). At that point the police arrived, followed shortly by an ambulance to take the old man away (his hand and arm now looked really bad). The old guy's wife was shaking so mush she could barely talk. I knew one of the policemen that had arrived on the scene so I asked him if I should take the collie to a vets. He said "yes" (if I wouldn't mind). I then spoke briefly to the old guy (just as they were putting him in the ambulance) and asked him if I could take his dog to the vets. Nobody else had offered to help the dog (which was clearly going to be left to die on the street with the hole in his neck as the old man and his wife got taken to hospital). He looked at me (apparently grateful) and said "yes, please take him!" With that me and my friend ran to get my car, pulled it up on the pavement and lifted the dog in. I took him to the nearest vets I knew of and they said that they couldn't treat him for an hour or more as the vet wasn't actually there. With that, I lifted the dog back into the car (along with an ice-pack that my friend was now holding over his wound) and drove straight to my own vets. It's quite a distance away from Brentwood but they are a brilliant vet and animal hospital. Once there I had to register the dog in my name, give them consent to operate and I offered to pay the bill. I reasoned that the old couple might not have mush money and I know that these ops can cost hundreds of pounds. All I cared about were two things: 1. Getting the dog treated and better as I don't like seeing animals in pain and 2. Getting him better so that his owners didn't lose him (I know how painful it is to lose a beloved pet). The vets were amazing and took him straight in to surgery. When I went back to pay the bill and get the dog, the vets told me that they knew the dog wasn't mine and that they would NOT let me pay for it. Instead they said they would foot the bill themselves (as they too would rather treat an animal for free than see it suffer). I told them that I didn't mind paying and that I was just grateful to them for doing such a good job (the dog made a full recovery). They wouldn't have it though and so I didn't pay. Now..... The reason I am telling you all this?! Because believe it or not; I didn't get so mush as a "Thank you" from the old couple. I had helped in getting the staff off the collie, I'd rushed the collie to two different vets, my car was covered in blood and I offered to pay the bill (which did come to hundreds of pounds). All that and not even a sodding "thank you". Not that I did it to get a thank you but f*cking hell, one wouldn't have hurt!!! The police man called me to say thank you, even the vet called me to say thank you; the owners of the dog (who's life I had just saved) - nothing! Not a word! The policeman has my address and phone number, as do the vets. They could easily have got in touch with me. In fact, the policeman checked he had the correct address for me as he said the owners might want to send a thank you card. I never got one. So that my friends shows you why I think most people are rude, ungrateful, undeserving of help and nasty.
Like I said, I didn't help the dog because I wanted thanks, I did it because I wanted to help but all the same it wouldn't have cost the owners anything to just say two little words :thank you!!!!
You see, after I received the texts last night from somebody I thought would actually be forever grateful to me (and nice to me), it sent me into overdrive thinking about how many nasty people I've encountered in my life and how many times I've been let down by someone I thought was decent. I then thought that it's no wonder really that I've been as depressed as I have been.
The guy I received the texts from last night (lets call him 'texter') should have been grateful to me. You see, I lied for texter. Really lied. I lied to get him out of a really difficult situation. I know lying is wrong but if there's ever a time when telling lies can be right, then this was it. I told a pack of lies to help him with something difficult and upsetting that was going on in his life. I put myself out for him and worried myself sick about it. It totally drained me and stressed me out and I battled with myself over whether I was doing the right thing. The bottom line was I just wanted to make everything better for him. I couldn't bear the thought of him going through sh*t and wanted somehow to put an end to his pain. I did the absolute best I could (even though it killed me to do it) and I thought (stupidly) that he would at the very least always know that the real me is someone who always puts others first, who is a nice person and who would do anything for anyone (even if it meant getting hurt myself, which is what happened). I thought that his friendship alone would be worth me hurting myself over to help him. Clearly it wasn't worth a cent. Because last night when he texted to ask for something more from me (something so ridiculous I still can't even believe he asked for it!) and asked in a nasty way (putting me down and making me feel crap as he did so); I realised that he didn't give a flying f*ck about me, nor was he grateful to me for helping him, nor did he have any intention of even remaining friends. So tell me this: why do I bother?! Why do I bother helping people?! Why am I so nice?! Why am I ALWAYS the one to get hurt and let down?! I've tried to work it out and I just don't know the answer.
It reminds me of another time that I did the right thing. A week after Kim was killed and I was front page of all the newspapers. I was walking round like a Zombie, not even knowing what day of the week it was and not really sure if I even wanted to carry on living without her. One of my "best friends" (who didn't really know Kim that well at all - she'd only met her a few times through me) at the time disappeared into the toilet. One of our other mates said to me a while later "I think X is crying in the toilet". Now, of all of our group at the time, I was the closest person to Kim. I was the last to have seen her alive and I was probably the most devastated. Don't get me wrong, Jord and Russ and everyone knew her too were also totally heartbroken but I was her best mate and it was me who spent hours on end with her. I remember thinking "what the hell is she crying for?" when I heard about her being in the toilet crying cos, as I said, she didn't really know Kim at all and plus, I thought, if anyone needed comforting right then it was me! Anyway, sighing I got up to go into the toilet. When I got there I was faced with a snivelling wreck of a "best mate" who proceeded to scream at me when I asked "what's wrong babe?" She shouted in my face that it "wasn't fair" that I had become famous and that I had "taken it away" from her. She said that I had always known that she wanted to be famous and that now I was famous, I had taken the very thing she wanted (as if somehow by me becoming famous, it would stop her also becoming famous). At this point, I'd like to point out that I didn't actually know she wanted to be famous anyway (she just sung karaoke every now and then and wanted to be a singer) and I'd also like to point out that it wasn't exactly through choice that I ended up on the front of all the newspapers at that moment anyway. If anything, it was the last thing I wanted considering I was wanting to slit my own wrists over Kim's death.
So, the reason I am telling you this is because me and Kyle spoke about it today. I told him the story and he was shocked and disgusted. He said "so while you were in bits over Kim's death, all she cared about was the fact that you were famous and she wasn't! The f*cking cheek! It's disgusting!" Sorry, just thought I'd share that with you.
Aren't people strange though?! I mean really, what goes through people's minds?! People can be so selfish and horrible. Even going back to the sweating pig from the other night, what makes him want to try and ruin a person's night like that?!
Kyle and I also talked about when we worked at Ministry of Sound together back in the day. There was another girl who worked there with us and she was so horrible to people. It was like she got off on being nasty. If someone came up to the door wearing the wrong clothes, she got a buzz out of turning them away and being vile. Kyle and I always cringed when she did it. We were ALWAYS nice to people (even if we had to turn them away cos it was more than our jobs were worth to let them in). We would never dream of being abusive or nasty. It's my biggest fear to make someone feel crap about themselves. In fact we're so nice that we often can't even tell a few home truths to people that probably deserve it, for fear of making them feel bad. Instead we go about our lives tiptoeing round people, trying to make everyone we meet feel good and being upset and hurt ourselves.
You see, if I was the texter from last night and I had gotten myself into a bit of a sticky situation. Then someone had come along and gotten me out of that situation. Then, the person that helped me admitted that they were having a few problems of their own and that they were feeling very lonely, very depressed and very weak. I wouldn't DREAM of texting them something harsh or demanding like he did to me last night. If anything I'd have sent that person a text asking if there was anything I could do or I would have let them know that I was there for them if they needed it (even if it was just to talk or cuddle or whatever). But hey, that's just me. I'm a nice person. I do those kind of things. Like the stupid girl crying in the toilet; I could have shouted back at her "F*ck you, you self-obsessed f*cking bitch!" but I didn't, do you know what I did say to her insane self-pitying cries?! I said "babe, we're all having a tough time right now, let's just try and grieve together and be there for each other" - yeah bitch - I'll grieve for my best mate who's just been murdered and you can grieve for the fame you'll never have cos you're a talent-less piece of crap (that's what I should have said!) ha ha.
Freaks - the world is full of them. I'm just glad I realised now (rather than way into the future) what the texter really is. I've seen his true colours. I know exactly his type. When the sh*t hits the fan, just deny everything, pretend you've done nothing wrong and wait for a special someone (like me) to come and bail you out. And when they do bail you out, don't even be grateful, don't say "thank you" and then when suddenly they need help, just give them a swift kick while they're down (actually, piss on them as well if you like cos things couldn't get any worse!). Cheers. Fabulous.
I sound like I'm annoyed. I know I do. Actually I'm not. I'm still very happy because as I said last night; he has confirmed to me that I'm not going mad - actually it is the rest of the world that is! I even bought a dress recently with the words "I am the only sane person on the planet" on it. It pretty mush sums up how I feel right now. Bastards the lot of 'em. Never mind. Hopefully I won't have to see him ever again and if I do, I'll just be pleasant and try not to get into a conversation with him (I fear if I do speak to him I might just lose it and give him a sharp whack round the face for treating me like a stupid little girl he can walk all over, take the piss out of and dump when he feels like).
We live and learn people, we live and learn. What have you learned this week? Cos I have learned (once again) not to trust men, not to give people too mush (cos they just keep on taking) and not to tell lies for someone when clearly they don't deserve it.
On that note, it is now National Be Grateful Week (in Jodie's world). I would therefore like everyone reading this to call or text someone that has done something nice for them and say "thank you". Tell them how mush you appreciate them and how mush you appreciate what they have done and tell them how amazing they are. After all, if someone has done something nice for you then they have made your life better (even if only for a minute) so they deserve to be thanked for that. My dad just brought me a cup of coffee and I jumped up and threw my arms around his neck and planted a smacker on his cheek. You see - he did something nice for me so I made him feel appreciated! Go do it folks - go tell someone how great they are........
Lots of love and thanks (I'm grateful to everyone who reads this even though I don't know who you are, how many of you there are or where you are in the world - I'm still grateful!)
P.S Thanks mum - for being the only person who does actually read this! ;)
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