It is midnight on Tuesday night. Sarah has just left, Jord has just gone to bed, I split up with Lewis earlier and now can't sleep so thought I'd have a chirp on here for a bit.
I suppose you all want to know why we split. It's probably totally all my own fault. I've come to the conclusion that I am a nightmare bird! If they don't appreciate me enough, I don't wanna know. If they like me too mush and smother me, I don't wanna know. If I see any weaknesses at all (like a bloke being scared of spiders or even of his own mum - I have come across this before), I don't wanna know. If they piss me off in any way, I don't wanna know. It's like, on the one hand I'm looking for love but on the other, I can't commit to anyone to save my life! Lewis didn't actually do anything wrong as such. I just wasn't feeling it and needed to be on my own for a bit. I've got loads on at the moment and couldn't devote enough time to him. I didn't think it was fair to keep it going under these circumstances. He has to be up every morning at 5.30 and works weekend nights as well. The time we were spending together was becoming less and less and I'm just not ready to stay in and have cosy nights on the sofa with anyone. I want to be out with my mates all the time. I have such an amazing crowd around me at the moment and I'm loving every minute of it.
All my life I have struggled with friendships. Because my parents had money when me and Jord were little, often friends would use us for what we had, but were secretly jellus and would shit on us as quick as we turned our backs. I've had two best friends (one at age 15, the other not so long ago) sleep with my boyfriend behind my back (how do I befriend so many wrong-uns - and go out with so many losers, more to the point?) and tons of people pretend to be my mate, only to drop me or not be there when I desperately needed them. I suppose the bullying I suffered at school didn't help with my capabilities of building friendships (I would latch on to anyone, no matter how hideous, grateful that someone wanted to be my friend).
So, cut a long story short; since Kim died (her death made us all love each other more and appreciate life and friendships more), and since I grew up somewhat (about 4 years ago), my friends I have now are extremely important to me. I don't suffer fools gladly so if anyone messes with me, they are out! Yes, over the years I have fallen out with a number of people. But what do you do when you walk into your mother's living room to find your supposed best mate sniffing coke off the table when you, yourself are anti-drugs? It wasn't even her first cock-up. Before that, she had snogged an ex (who I still occasionally slept with from time to time) in front of me, told another famous ex (who didn't have a clue who she was) that she had seen pictures of his willy on my phone (of course I show all the girls but you ain't supposed to tell the men that!) - massive row ensued with him obviously, she had sniffed a load of coke in a nightclub toilet while talking loudly to me in front of people (so that it almost made it look like I was part of the seedy drug-taking - I was mortified as I'd asked her a thousand times not to do it around me!) and all this after I had paid for her to come on holiday with me. It takes the piss! I gave her chance after chance as each time she messed up, she begged my forgiveness but eventually, I had to say "enough's enough" and kick her out of the house on her drug-induced snivelling come-down. My friends around me now are the most amazing bunch. There's (in no particular order):
Sarah, who I've known about 2 years now. She's beautiful, caring, generous, kind and ALWAYS there for me! I'm practically her agent as I tell her every week what her diary is! We became friends very quickly cos we're so alike and laugh lots every day!
Kyle (soul mate), who I couldn't live without. We've been best friends for ten years and never even disagreed on anything.
School Teacher Lauren who I've been friends with about 6 years now and who looks after me, debates with me and is always there for me.
Michelle, who I've known about 5 years, who although I don't see mush (as she's as busy as I am), knows I love her and am always here for her.
Becky, who I've known the same time as Lauren. We have our disagreements but she knows I love her and I know she's there for me.
Russ, who Jord and I have known since he was 5. He's like a brother to me and would do anything for me! He's the one I'm marrying if still single at 30.
Adele, who I've known since I was 5. We don't see each other mush but know that we can call each other any time for help or a chat. She's like a sister.
Ricardo, who I've known ten years. Totally mad as a hatter but a great and essential part of the gang.
Tony, who drinks far too mush, has only been a proper part of the gang for the last year but we all love him to bits.
Steven who has only just joined the gang recently but we just know he'll be around forever as he's so lovely and totally one of us!
Emma and Jonny, who've been around for nearly two years. They are loyal and loving and would do anything to help a friend. I love them to bits.
Dave Morgan, who's only been a part of the gang for a year but who is lovely and will go out of his way for you. He's a good and lovely friend.
Linsey Dawn and Mark. I've been very close to Lins for about 4 years and loved Mark ever since they got together. They live in Spain now but I know we'll never grow apart.
Kenzie, who I see every week and who I would drop everything for, and he for me.
Alex, who Jord went out with when he was 14 and I've been best mates with ever since. She's the loveliest girl you could ever meet - like a ray of sunshine in everyone's life!
Dave Courtney, who pretends to be hard but is actually a pussy cat when it comes to me! I've known Dave for ten years and he's looked after me for most of that time! I love his girlfriend Storm as well. She's gorgeous and such a lovely person.
Angie, who I admire and respect so mush. I met her about 2 years ago and we've been mates ever since. She arranged the whole Weller meeting thing! God love her!
Ben from Phats and Small, who is the kindest and most supportive friend! He is so un-selfish and would do anything for anyone.
Chloe, who I met at Stringfellows 4 years ago and who is madder than I am. We don't get together as often as we should cos we both lead such busy lives but the last time I took her out, I promised her a good night and I introduced her to Robbie Williams. She was a little bit happy! Lol
Chris Parker, who's also from Brentwood and I've known ages. We went to the same school and he's one of the few genuine people in showbiz.
Patrick Allen, who I've known about 6 years. He's part of the Drifters and always helps me out and looks after me. He's gorgeous!
Jo, my publicist, who has become a best friend to me and who bends over backwards for me all the time (Many a time, I have been told that she is the nicest agent/publicist in the business by people who have booked me for jobs through her).
Lauren from Stringfellows, who, again, I don't see that mush but who I love so mush and who always makes me laugh. Move to Brentwood girl!
Anyway, I just looked back over the list and realised it's getting ridiculously long and that you all must be very bored. There are many others, who I love and appreciate but I really can't keep going on as I will run out of room and lose all my fans out of sheer boredom. If I haven't mentioned your name, it's only cos it's now 1am and I am trying to make a point here......
What the flippin' heck was my point....? Oh yeah.....
My point is that, with all of these amazing people around me, and me loving each and every one of them - I don't need or want a bloke. All I want to do is: work and make money, help and do as mush for my charities as I can and see all my friends and family all the time. I want to have fun without being tied down and I want to live my life without having to answer to anyone or anything. I cannot handle commitment (who can these days?) and unless I think he's "the one" (which I think will hit me like a ton of bricks, or so I've been told, almost straight away), I don't like to prolong relationships that aren't really going anywhere. Ok, so perhaps I shouldn't enter into them in the first place, I hear you saying, but if you don't try, you'll never know is my thinking behind getting a new bloke every few months. What if, just what if, one of my fancy men turned out to be Mr Right?! If I don't give it a go, I won't know, plus everyone needs man-joy in their life on a regular basis!
I am sorry for the way things turned out with Lewis. I didn't want to have another short-lived relationship and I did have high hopes for him. I just feel that I can't give him enough right now and that he'd be better off without me.
If I could just meet a guy with Kyle and Kenzie's personalities rolled into one, Lewis's body, Scott Sullivan's looks and adventure, Dave Morgan's niceness, Rossi's talent and money (no, stuff it, just Rossi full stop would do), Ben's loyalty, my dad's attitude to life and Steven Hawkin's intelligence - I'd be sorted!!!! Does one exist?! I'm not sure. But I do know that I won't settle for second best, so unless I feel like carting him off to Barbados instantly for a beach wedding, then it just won't do!
Funny enough, I was talking to a bloke on text earlier and he said he'd quite like to take me out for a drink. I told him not to bother! I openly admitted that I'm a liability and that I can't handle nice men (I'd been told by a number of different people that he's really nice). It's not that I want a b*stard but when I get bored or realise they're not "the one", it's so mush easier to dump a prick! My guilt always eats into me if he's lovely and I feel bad about myself for ages. I think it's why I keep crying over Kenzie lately. I've actually worked out though that I'm not just crying over hurting him, I'm crying out of pity for myself (which I know is hideous) that I can't keep hold of a good thing when I've got it. The Kenz situation was a really difficult one (one which I will explain fully when I update my book for the paper back edition) but I just feel like I must have serious issues if I can't just have a normal relationship! I don't know, I'm making it sound like I need a straight jacket and padded room and it's not that bad. I just have problems giving myself to somebody 100% and I don't like it when a guy hands me his life on a plate. I suppose it's the same for everyone though. Until we meet our matches who we want to spend the rest of our lives with, then it is a constant uphill struggle and never-ending fairground ride of failed relationships and either hideous or too-nice (by that I mean slightly wet) men. I dread to think who my match will eventually be........
If I had a choice, I'd need a man who is of supreme intelligence (they've got to be able to stimulate me mentally for the rest of my life), a man who is fitter naked than David Beckham (with a face like Robbie Williams), a man who makes his own money and works voluntarily for Charities on the side, a man who wouldn't ever try and control me but who thought I was the best thing on earth. Am I going to find that? Probably not, but if and when I do meet my match, I know he's going to be a nightmare, if I'm anything to go by, anyway.
I can't sodding live with men but I can't live without them. A nasty cliche, but very very true. So, here's to being back on the market again. I do wish to warn all nice men that I AM NOT joking when I say "stay away". Unless you have the strength of an ox and the brain of a professor, I will hurt you and act like a child until you get sick of me (and think I need help) or lie crying at my feet for another chance (which I won't give you). I am better off alone anyway (and Paddy is happier as he has me all to himself). As a single person, I am kind and generous and loving and friendly. In a relationship, I turn into either a bitch from Hell, a freak psycho-stalker, or a loved-up wally who wants to get married in the first 5 days of meeting. I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there like this?! Pleeeeease tell me I'm not! It'll make me feel better, if nothing else...........
So, another one bites the dust. Another Christmas and birthday of being single - stupid Jodie, should at least wait for the presents before ending it It's ok though. I will stay friends with Lewis cos we ended nicely and I still care about him. And apart from that, you can never have enough friends!
I'm going to go to bed now with my new book (I walked into a book shop in Brentwood today to buy some books and ended up signing 30 copies of my book! The lady asked kindly if I would, as she said it's coming up to Christmas and people prefer buying signed books!). It's called "Talk to the Hand - the utter bloody rudeness of everyday life (or 6 reasons to stay at home and bolt the door)". I'm trying to get to the bottom of why people are so horrible sometimes (mostly I'm referring to journalists here) and thought that this book might hold the answers! Paddy and all four little dogs are coming up with me. Yipee! Since I've been with Lewis, I've only been able to have all 5 like that when he hasn't stayed here.
Night night people, my eyes are getting heavy now (I must be tired cos I just typed "mye ye gettrin hesvy nw" and had to go back and correct it - don't you hate it when you're fingers stop working on the keyboard?!) and I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow. If anyone knows of any super-brainy, super-fit b*stard men - send them my way.........
P.S My mate Lucy Becker (the very gorgeous model) just texted me to say that she is spooning her dog 'Biscuit' in bed. That's exactly what I'm off to do now, with 4 chihuahuas and a bulldog. Oh the joy of cuddling up to something warm and loving and faithful, that doesn't ever answer you back!!!!!!!
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