So, having just sat and had a really long chat with Lauren; I am now of clearer head. Yes, I would marry Ben tomorrow, yes, I want to be with him. Yes he is one of the most gorgeous men I've ever met but none of this means sh*t when he's got a girlfriend. The problem with life is that it works in very mysterious ways. I watched Ben on Dance Fever and considered getting my agent to call the show to ask him out on a date for me. I decided against it (for fear of rejection) and then he went and got a girlfriend. Now I have ended up working with him for 2½ weeks and he turned out to be even more gorgeous than I thought he would be! I've joked with him about twenty times that I would be with him tomorrow if he were single. I think he understands though that deep down I am serious. I might say it with a smirk on my face but if he told me tomorrow that things weren't working out with his girlfriend, I'd scream with joy and have him on the next train to Brentwood. The problem with it all is that I don't know how he feels. I know we have amazing chemistry but then I pretty mush get on with everyone I ever meet or work with (Big Brother the one exception). I know that when I look at him, he gives me butterflies in my belly and I also know that when we smile at each other, it's like we're sharing a private joke that nobody else knows. We have had such a laugh together and I've loved it and loved being around him. He's only 19; although looks about 25 (although maybe that's not such a good thing - that means if I do end up with him, he'll look like a 50 year old man at 25! Ha ha) and acts half the time like a 45 year old, the other time like a 12 year old (which is what I love about him). He's mature and responsible and serious and professional when needed and childish and silly at other times.
Now tell me this?! How does a 19 year olds brain work?! Is he secretly sitting at home thinking about me? Or did he just enjoy being pursued by a famous model for a while (cos lets face it, if Robbie Williams asked me out, I'd wanna tell everyone.... Oh sorry, he did and I did!). I just wish I knew what he was thinking. The last thing I want to do is split up a relationship but you know what? I also want to think about myself for a change. All my life I've been faithful to every boyfriend I've ever had (well, all but one but we were practically finished by the time I cheated anyway!) and I've hated people who cheat (having been a victim of it myself). I wouldn't live with myself if I split up somebody's relationship but also I don't know if I'll ever meet someone that turns me on as mush as Ben does! Heck, he's probably not even given me another thought. He probably flirts with every female he comes into contact with. He's probably wrapped up lovingly in his girlfriend's arms as I type this. I'm not saying he's been outrageously flirting with me. I haven't even flirted that mush myself - when I turn the real Jodie charm it works a treat but for some reason, with him, I couldn't do it. I just turned into silly giggling wreck around him (maybe he thinks I'm a sandwich short of a picnic!). Actually I know I'm screwed in the head. But blimey - who wouldn't be in my position?! Let me tell you a little story......
"....................Imagine you're a really nice girl who excels at school. You've got lots of friends and life is great. You're the sort of girl who, when the class dunce (who nobody likes) gets beaten up one day, you throw yourself on top of him to stop him from being hurt and take a proper kicking yourself ending up covered in bruises! You're popular and your best friend is a girl called Naomi who you've been best mates with since you were five. Then imagine that when you leave primary school, you don't go to the same secondary school as all your friends. At the new school you get picked on for no reason (well, actually cos you've got a big nose and unbelievably because you're clever and study hard!) and nobody likes you (for reasons you still can't understand other than maybe some kids are just horrible). You get your first boyfriend at 14 (he's not that great-looking but you love him more than anything in the world. You loose your virginity to him and you spend every minute of your spare time with him. One day you walk in to find your best friend Naomi shagging him on the sofa in your own house. From there (after a shed-load of tears), you end up going out with a man hooked on drugs. You get him off the drugs and he promises to stay straight. He doesn't. You jump straight into another relationship with a professional Heavyweight Boxer. You do this because you are still getting abuse shouted at you in clubs and bars from the same people you went to school with (who also happen to know who the Boxer is and are all scared of him). The boxer ends up beating you black and blue for four years. You're too ashamed to tell anybody at all. Your friends don't know, even your family don't know. You're disgusted at yourself for staying with him but too scared to leave (cos he keeps threatening to kill you if you do) and you don't want to be on your own (the bullies are still around and would probably start up again if it weren't for the Boxer). When you do finally find the courage to leave him (and get the police involved to get rid of him), you become a stripper because you know you'll make lots of money and you also know that you can't be ugly if you're a stripper. You're trying to prove to yourself (and the bullies) that you're not ugly. During your time lap-dancing, you make a TV show. It propels you to instant over-night fame. You are front page of all the newspapers. Three days before the TV show is due to air, your best friend (who has a ten week old baby) is murdered by her own boyfriend. Three days later (on the day of the TV show), your dog (who may as well be your human child) is killed by a fox in the garden. You carry on accepting TV and modelling jobs because all your friends and family (and murdered best friend's family) tell you to and force you to get up every morning. Inside you are cracking up and don't really care about anything anymore (let alone yourself). You get with another man who you think is the one true love of your life. Finally, you think you've found him! Until that is, he leaves you to go to America for a year. As soon as he leaves, you get with the first available man to try and ease the pain. He treats you like dirt, puts you down all the time, tells you how many other women want to shag him on a daily basis and tells you how stupid you look every day. He takes £70,000 from you and demands a £10,000 diamond watch (which you buy him because you don't have the energy to say "no"). He then sleeps with a prostitute behind your back and you find out. Too weak and too depressed to want to be on your own, you forgive him and take him back after he cries and begs. A few months on, he sleeps with your other best friend (a girl who didn't have mush in life and who you took in and looked after like a sister). This time you don't forgive him, you kick him out without so mush as a "goodbye". Two weeks after you split, you find out you're pregnant. You call him to tell him because you don't agree with abortion and he calls you a "lying c*nt" and then goes straight to all the newspapers to tell them that you're a "lying c*nt" and that he's not interested and doesn't even believe the baby is his! You feel like you have no choice other than to have an abortion as you don't want to bring a baby up into so mush hatred. You lie on the operating table and sob yourself to sleep. You then spend the next couple of years floating around pretending to be happy. All the newspapers and magazines have turned on you (you have no idea why?!) and are calling you a "slag", "slapper", "tramp", "ugly", "dog", "minger" etc. This is happening on a daily basis. You've still not come to terms with your friend's death and you can't understand why people are being horrible to you (by now, people in the street are shouting abuse at you!). You know deep down that you haven't actually done anything wrong but all the same, you're so depressed that you have days where you don't want to get out of bed. One day, one of the very few journalist friends you've got calls you up and says "is it true your ex (the boxer) used to beat you up?" He then asks if you would like to do a story about it. He says all the money will go to Refuge (one of the charities you are ambassador to). You think about it long and hard. You decide to do the piece for these reasons: Domestic Violence is the biggest killer of unborn children, 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence at some point in their life, 2 women a week in England and Wales are killed by a partner or ex-partner, domestic violence is a bigger killer than Breast Cancer and lastly (and most importantly) - hardly anybody knows any of this because nobody ever talks about it. It's a taboo subject; women are too ashamed to speak out about it. You feel that you would be useless to the charity (and not a good ambassador) if you don't speak out yourself so you agree to do the story. Refuge get a ton of money and although you are scared there might be repercussions from the woman-beating boxer, you are pleased you did speak out as you then receive a ton of fan-mail from women saying that your story made them leave a violent relationship they were in. Refuge are very happy. A few weeks later, you get a phone call to tell you that the boxer is claiming he never laid a finger on you and that he is suing you and the newspaper for a gigantic sum of money. You then spend two years in and out of meetings with solicitors and barristers. You have to turn your house upside-down to find everything that ever related to your relationship with the boxer. Your mum is crying herself to sleep, your dad and brother are stressed to the point that they can't sleep at night. All your friends have to go and give statements and talk to lawyers on a regular basis. In that time, you have a few meaningless relationships because you don't want to be on your own and then a few months before you are due in court (to face the monster who beat you up and is now claiming he didn't and that he's a lovely charming man - so charming that he's threatened some of your friends into withdrawing their statements and he's even managed to get some of them to give statements against you! Many people say to you "you know I'd do anything else for you babe but I don't want to live in fear for the rest of my life"), the boxer murders somebody with his bare hands. You knew all along that he was capable of killing someone (and so did your whole family which is why they have all been so stressed). Finally, the monster murderer gets put in jail for a long time and you get sent a letter from the boxer's solicitors saying "we refuse to act for him". It's all over! The same week you receive the letter, you go to Cyprus and meet an amazing man and you get told you're going to be working with two people you've admired for ages. You're ecstatically happy. You've never felt this good. You're glowing and it shows! You pretend you don't care what the newspapers and magazines are saying (they're still being horrible) so instead you just stop buying them. If you don't see it, it can't harm you, you think?! Everything is suddenly great in your life (other than the fact that you've never truly had a man treat you right). Your head is in the clouds and you feel like you're floating! It's taken years of bullying, torture, beatings and death but you're still going and although everyone around you tells you how strong you are, inside you feel weak and really you just want somebody to love and cuddle and tell you "everything is going to be alright". You don't think you'll ever find that though because since becoming very famous, people you meet aren't genuine anymore. They all want to be your friend or else they want to stab you in the back. You can't even tell the difference sometimes! Life's great but you're missing the one thing you've never had - true love............................."
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