13th September 2006 - LIFE'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

Why why why why why why WHY WHY WHY????! It's NOT fair! Why why why WHY ARE THE BEST ONES TAKEN????!!!!!!!! (I'm having a full-on tantrum over my keyboard now). Why is God punishing me like this?! I'm not a bad person - surely I don't deserve this?! If you couldn't tell, I've been with Ben all day and if that isn't torture enough, the fit barman then calls me in the car on the way home to tell me he misses me. Then.... Then..... just to add to the pain, the Most Beautiful Man in the World texts me with some really beautiful words (that very nearly made me cry). You may as well put a chocolate fountain in front of me and then tell me I'm not allowed to touch it; cos that's how I feel.

All my life I look for Mr Right then within the space of two weeks, I don't just find one Mr Right, I find TWO of the God damn things! Yet... NEITHER of them is available to spend a lifetime (or even a week) of pure unadulterated pleasure, naughtiness and bliss with me! Seriously this is torture of the highest form. In fact, if I ever went on "I'm a Celebrity"; instead of making me eat bugs, they could just stand Ben and the fit barman in front of me and not let me touch them. That would be the worst task ever!

All I can presume is that I must have been a real bitch in a past life to deserve what's happening to me now. Not only are they both gorgeous looking but they are the nicest blokes you could ever wish to meet. I mean, probably the only two men alive my brother would actually be happy for me to go out with!! Ben even has exquisite table manners. When we all went to lunch today, my food was the last to arrive and he sat and waited for me until he started! The last bloke I had over for dinner tucked in before the other meals were even on the table and my dad gave him the evil eye all the way through the meal! Ha ha. Jeez.... I NEED to get away from this country and this torture. When I move abroad I'll forget all about what "could have been" and I'll hopefully forget all about the time I fell in love TWICE in one week (and couldn't have either of them). ha ha.

To be honest, when the fit barman called me, it only made me feel sad. He sounded so happy and full of life and when he said "I miss you so mush babe", I knew he meant it. If only things could be different.......

Anyway, I'm not going to get on a downer cos life is great apart from wanting something badly that I can't have. Today's rehearsals were amazing. I had so mush fun. Vanessa is the BEST!!! I love her. I feel like I've known her for years. She always says to me "no giggling" before we start the routine but then always pulls a face to make me laugh (and if she doesn't then Ben does!). I haven't stopped laughing all day. And anyway, I can't help giggling when I'm around Ben. He makes me go all silly and girly (well, as girly as I'm going to get when I drive a monster truck and ride an R6).........

I also met one of the other dancers on the show today. He's called Jackson. He's very nice. He filmed the routine again for me on my camera so I now have TWO versions I can perve over. He's an amazing dancer too. I LOVE watching them in action. It makes me get little tingles down below. Jackson also came to lunch with me and Ben and Vanessa. We actually all had quite a deep chat about life and me and Vanessa shared stories about our dogs (the true loves of our lives).

Ben said today that it gets really confusing reading my blog because of all the nicknames I give people so to avoid any confusion I'm going to do a little summary. This is just for you Ben.........

Fancy Boy - he's the gay one that refused to even kiss me. I chased him for a while (actually I stalked him) but gave up when I realised I was wasting my time. I'm now well and truly over my obsession with him and quite embarrassed that it ever happened in the first place! Make that VERY embarrassed!

Fit Bod - he's one of my good mates who is having a baby with one of my other mates. He's got the best body ever, hence the name Fit Bod.

Blondie - he's a boy I had a cheeky snog with once. He wasn't really aggressive enough for me (and probably a little scared). We're just mates now. I don't want anything else from him (unless he suddenly develops the skill to pick me up and throw me around a room like Ben can).

The Most Beautiful Man in the World (TMBMITW) - he's the one I had the water-fight in Lakeside with. He's ME but in male form. He never takes life too seriously and we'd make THE perfect couple (if we didn't kill each other in the process). I've loved him since I was about 15 but I don't think we'll ever really get it together cos our friendship is too deep to ruin it with sex. We'll always just be close mates.

The Best Dressed Man ever - he's the one who has asked me out a few times. I keep saying "no" cos I'm not interested in going out with anyone unless they are "The One". He's lovely though and a great friend.

The Greatest Kisser - He's the one I snogged a few weeks ago. He blew my socks off with his kiss (it really was something else!) but has messed me about ever since. I've got zero tolerance so am not interested anymore. He's well and truly blown it with me.

Fit Barman - he's the one I fell in love with and had to leave in Cyprus. He's another perfect match for me and treated me like a princess but for reasons only known to me and him, we can't be together.

Ben - he's the one I want but can't have. He's gorgeous, talented, sexy, funny, nice, charming and sweet. He rocks my world but I don't rock his (although I would if he'd let me!). He's already got a beautiful girlfriend and I'm jellus to the highest degree! Oh sorry........... you didn't need an explanation of that one did you Ben?! Ha ha.

So, I hope that clears it up for you. So many men, so little time. Ha ha. Oh... there's also 'the Celebrity' I was spending a bit of time with recently. We both needed some comfort and cuddles in our lives so hooked up and gave each other just that. It was never going to be anything more than that though as we're too different and realistically not suited at all. It was just helping each other through a tough time.

Anyway, lets forget all the above and move on. Onwards and upwards. I don't need to think about what I can't have!!!!! It's too depressing. So, my mum and dad have just left. They came round to watch the video from today of me and Ben. They were so excited! My mates Lauren (school teacher) and Alex (beautiful salon-owner) are here as well. They have also watched the video 20 times with me. They are swooning over Ben almost as mush as me! My mum and dad have just been saying that I should forget all men (cos I couldn't stop talking about Ben, fit barman and TMBMITW). They reckon I'm better off without one and I don't think they can face another "love of my life" being kicked out for calling me "selfish" or something similar. Lauren and Alex immediately started arguing that Ben is ok though. It's hilarious. They were actually shouting at my mum and dad "Ben's ok!!! We like Ben! We'd be happy for her to go out with Ben!" ha ha - they've never even met him - must be those moves of his! He's got everyone addicted. As they left, my dad said "Ok, well then forget about the barman and forget about the other one - go out with Ben! He seems like a very nice young man!" I didn't mention the fact that he had a girlfriend! I didn't want to disappoint him, it's the first time in 4 years he's actually liked someone I've liked (and before he's even met him!) I think it was just the fact that I told my dad about Ben's table manners. The pigs I've been out with in the last few years have put him off me ever having a boyfriend again. Half of them didn't even know how to use a knife and fork! Ha ha.

Seriously enough about Ben - I'm starting to sound obsessed! We are now having the biggest thunder storm ever and it has sent us all mad. Me Lauren and Alex are having a giggling fit. We've all been screaming for the last half an hour about the fact that our other mate Selina calls Lauren "Lorraine" (after 6 years of knowing her). Selina is pure comedy!

Alex is on the phone and has just screamed "Linda Loveman's buying me an iron so don't buy me one!" Me and Lauren have collapsed. I'm sure I've told you this before but Alex is a comedy show in the making. She's so funny. I could just have her around me every day to sit and laugh at. It probably doesn't even sound funny to you cos you didn't hear the way she screeched it. Alex then took a headache tablet and gagged as she did it (cos she was laughing) and spat it back out. Lauren and I collapsed laughing again. We are in such silly moods we just can't stop laughing. It's just what I needed actually cos I felt a bit sad in the car on the way home today. It was all the joyous men I've seen lately (and the fit barman calling and TMBMITW texting me). I just wish they'd all go away to be honest. If I didn't hear from them I'd forget about them. Instead I will be going to bed with Paddy and Lyla again tonight dreaming of what I'd do to Ben, fit barman and MBMITW if I ever got my hands on them. Eat them alive doesn't even come close!! At least I'm getting my money's worth out of the old Tiffany though; she's come in quite handy these last few weeks where I've been like a dog on heat. God help the next bloke I sleep with. He's going to seriously get it! The amount of pent-up frustration inside of me is bubbling over to the point that I might even do a sex-wee in my knickers when Ben simply touches my hand on Friday. Sorry, I know I'm a dirt-bag.

What else is new? I've told you how mush I love Vanessa! We text each other all the time. I've got a feeling we're gonna be friends forever. I gave her a book to read today. It's my favourite book of all time and I just know she'll love it. I wonder if she'll be up for moving abroad with all of us? I'm recruiting as many as possible! She is "a bit of me" though. We have exactly the same sense of humour. All day we have been laughing at Nikki from Big Brother "Who is she? Who is she? Where did you find her?" We've both got the actual sound clip as our ringtone. It makes us laugh every time our phones go off. We've also been doing Nikki tantrum impressions (the one where she threw herself on the floor) - television gold!

The thunderstorm is getting worse! Paddy and Lyla are squashed up against Alex's leg (they're scared of thunder) while she does my hair. She's putting more extensions in and bleaching the top white again. She was going to do it last night but she didn't feel well. I'm typing as she does it. One of the dogs has just farted and Alex was quick to inform me that it wasn't her. I should hope not cos it smells like something has died!

So aside from being thoroughly gutted that I am surrounded by the most amazing looking men (none of which are actually available), I am still smiling more than I have done in 6 years. I've smiled the whole time cos generally I'm a very happy person, it's just that some of the smiles have been put on and maybe not so real as they could have been. It's bloody hard staying smiley when the sh*t hits the fan all around you and you lose some of the best things you ever had (Kim, Pixie) and also when you've got a murderer trying to sue you (claiming he isn't violent! Yeah right..... and I'm a sweet virgin!). That's what made me nearly cry earlier when TMBMITW texted me saying this "I don't blame you for moving away, I wish I could run away sometimes and just think about ME for a change. You want a cuddle! Don't get down Jod, you're such a strong person. Just don't give up hun. Me and you both put a front on but we both love cuddles ay?! You got so mush to offer a bloke! X x" - he's a true friend to me and he's one of the few people who knows the REAL me. I love him for that.

I'm off now cos I've got a million things to tell Alex and even though I was with her all day yesterday; we still didn't get to catch up on half the gossip! The dance routine is looking amazing - thanks to Ben and Vanessa - without them I look like a fairy elephant. I just can't quite grasp "elegant" still - I'm a bloody stripper by trade! I keep wanting to grab my boobs and play with my nipples during the routine. Obviously I won't, I want to do Ben and Vanessa proud. They've put a hell of a lot of work into this and I don't want to mess it up. I'm honestly so honoured to be working with them. I know I've said it before but I watched Dance Fever religiously (and so did my brother cos he knew one of the girls on the show). It's my dream come true to be doing this (even though I would be mush better doing a salsa or something!). I couldn't even care less if we win or not. Obviously it would be amazing to win but when you see me grinning on Friday night from ear to ear, you will know that secretly deep down I am having the absolute time of my life and that I fancy the arse off Ben. Beats having to look at Pete Burn's ugly mug for a job anyway! Ben or Pete Burns? Now there's a tough one. Ha ha. Ooooooh, give me the screaming trannie with the f*cked up face every time! Cos Burns was such a lovely person! Not.

On that note I really am off. I've got loads to tell Alex (It'd be easier if I just made her read this blog actually!).

Lots of love and passionate kisses (so passionate that you get warm and tingly down below and the chemistry burns up inside of you to the point of no return. So passionate that you need to have that person NOW. You need to be naked and entwined and writhing on a silk-covered bed. You need to be stroked and kissed and touched softly before devouring each other's bodies with your tongues and then throwing each other around with a force so hard it feels like you are going to break something. So passionate that you can't control yourself and when you orgasm it's so intense that it brings tears to your eyes. So passionate that you can't get enough and you realise you could happily be with that person every day for the rest of your life! So passionate that your whole body shakes with pleasure and you act out all your wildest fantasies. So passionate that it feels like nobody else will ever compare and so passionate that you could do it all again in half an hour and every day, 5 times a day forever more!). Sorry, got carried away thinking about somebody). See ya!!!!

xxxxx