So, last night was absolutely brilliant. I did have three parties to go to: my friend Nick's party in aid of the Stroke Association (his mum died of a stroke and he organises an event every year to raise money for them), an Ann Summers all girls party (with amazing goody bags apparently) and an Iron Maiden party (or someone from Iron Maiden was throwing a party). I had planned to go to all three, as they were all close to each other, starting with Nick's first. Sarah came with me and we drove up to London in the silver boat. Nick's party started at 8.30 and we didn't get there til 9pm as we had trouble finding somewhere to park.
When I eventually got there and walked up the red carpet, I did the whole posing thing for all the paps and just as I was about to go into the club, a random guy on the street shouted over the top of all the pap's heads "Jodie get your tits out". I get abuse like this on a regular basis and either totally ignore it or decide to play with it. Last night I was in a piss-taking mood so turned round, marched straight up to the guy who had said it and said loudly (for everyone to hear), "I'll get my tits out if you get your c*ck out". Actually, I think I misjudged how mush of a wally the guy was, cos within 2 seconds, he actually had whipped it out! In full view of the paps, the doormen and the other people all waiting outside the club. He was swiftly moved on, but not before everyone had laughed at him. Normally, when I say that to people, they get scared and don't have an answer, this one was too pissed to care and/or didn't have a brain. It was a funny start to the night anyway and one of the gay guys on the door loved it!
After the whole c*ck out in street incident, we ran upstairs thinking we'd just walk into a nightclub party and as we opened the door, were faced instead with everyone sitting at tables, facing the stage, where Nick was giving a speech about his mum and the Stroke Association. Mortified that we were late and that the whole room was silent, we nervously hung around in the darkened doorway. Nick had noticed us come in but no one else had, so we thought we could just stay there until he finished on stage, then make our way in and find somewhere to sit or stand. Not so. Two minutes later, Nick turned to me on the microphone and said "Did you want to come in babe? Don't hover in the door way". Horrified, I nodded and did the only thing I could do, which was shuffle in with my head ducked as Nick said "There's always one that's late - JODIE MARSH EVERYONE!" The whole place cheered as Sarah and I waved and ran for the nearest space. Unable to find one, we crouched on the floor next to a table of girls, who generously asked if we wanted to sit with them. We ended up sharing their table for the night and they were lovely. Yet more girls with beauty and brains as they were all stunning and were doctors! We chatted all night to them and had a good laugh. After the embarrassing entrance, the night went really well. It came to the auction and my mate Rupert (Will Young's brother) had put himself up for auction. Basically, you could buy him to do whatever you wanted for the day ie. your gardening or cooking or whatever. As the auction went on, there seemed to be some alright spenders in there as things were going for £200 and £500 and amounts like that. As a late thought, I ran to the side of the stage and whispered to Nick that he could auction off two tickets to my fancy dress party if he wanted. He grinned and said "thanks" and put it up as the last item. It sold for a thousand pounds!!!!! Happy isn't the word! A lovely guy called Edward bought it and he was over the moon. Blimey, I was over the moon! We were all over the moon! So, Edward from Beds is now coming to my fancy dress party and the Stroke Association got an extra thousand pounds from a last minute thought, while watching the auction.
Needless to say, we didn't make any of the other parties as we didn't want to leave Nick's one. It wasn't really appropriate to run out the door to go to an Ann Summers party, while everyone was raising money in tribute to Nick's mum anway and it was such a good night that we stayed to have a dance. The legend Angie Brown performed and we screamed all the way through cos we love her. Jonny and Emma turned up and had a little dance as well. The four of us left at the end to go and get Chinese in Soho. Our waiter, a cute little chinese man, raided our goody bags and took all of the cucumber face wash out of them. Cheeky! I got stopped about twenty times in Soho by late-night council workers wanting pictures and we had a laugh with them all as we posed beside dustbins. A great night!
Sarah and I got in at about 3am and stayed up chatting til 5am. We were sitting on the work-tops in my kitchen with cups of tea talking about men and telling funny stories of when people had been abusive to us (sparked by the man yelling "get your tits out"). One, I told her, was: one night after coming out of Club 195, I was getting in School Teacher Lauren's Skoda (it was an old battered one who she named Phyllis and we all loved). A hideous girl in a velvet dress without a scrap of make up on shouts across "Oh my god! Look at Jodie Marsh getting in a skoda! Ha ha, That's a crap car! Look everyone - Jodie Marsh GETTING IN A SKODA!" Normally, I'd ignore no-brained comments like this, but on this occasion I was furious as she had abused my best mate's car! I jumped back out of the car and walked over to her. I simply said "I haven't got a problem getting in that Skoda as it happens to be my best mate's car. I'm not sure why you have a problem with me getting in it love? Why don't you keep your ridiculous comments to yourself and focus on something like sorting your dress sense out!" I turned to walk away and Kyle (who was hot on my heels) spat in her face "And don't ever talk to us again until you learn what the word MAC means!" (Mac is, for those who don't know, an expensive brand of make-up). Hilarious. I don't like being horrible to people but when they are abusive to me (or especially to my friends), occasionally, it's nice to put them in their place.
So, going back to yesterday day-time. Everyone got their party invites so I had texts and phone calls galore shouting about glitter being everywhere and also telling me how excited they all were. The invite itself is a sexy picture of me in a bikini and on the letter that comes with it, I say:
"......Please don't buy me presents as there is nothing I want or need (except a good seeing to), I'd rather you stick some money in a card that I can give to my charities......."
It'a obviously a joke and as everyone knows my naughty sense of humour, I thought they would all take it as just that. Not so. One male celeb, on receiving the invite, immediately sends me a multimedia picture of himself holding his own erect willy, with the note "Look what your picture has done to me. I'll give you a good seeing to, call me anytime you need me baby". Now, call me old fashioned, but what happened to dinner and flowers?! It totally shocks me that he thinks I'll actually want him?! I know I give off a sexy image and that I'm very open and up for anything (which I am, when in a relationship), but that doesn't mean I'll go running over to his house when he sends me a picture of his manhood. It's filth. Different, if I had already been seeing him and I ASKED him to send me a naughty pic - that's fun and I do it all the time, but to expect me to be impressed and respond nicely, when up until now, we have just been mates and nothing has ever happened between us, is really quite unbelievable! Like I said, I wouldn't object to a dirty pic from a bloke I was seeing (I'd love it in fact), but to send one as a pulling technique is just plain absurd! What about good old dating? Apparently it just doesn't happen anymore (not to me anyway), nowadays they send you a picture of themselves holding their stiff one and expect you to be in the next taxi to theirs. Er, no.
Men never fail to amaze and shock me. Just when I think I know it all, someone goes and does something like that. That said, yesterday wasn't the first time I've had a bloke try and pull me by sending a dirty pic. The others haven't been celebs though, so I wasn't quite as shocked, although I was equally as disgusted when the purple throbbing beast appeared on my mobile screen. Sorry guys, but those of you who have done anything of the sort, really do have a lot to learn. I can't even imagine what sort of woman would be excited and impressed by a close up bubbling member pic as way of asking her out. On that note, I'd like to call a union of all women. If we make a stand against men from now on, we CAN make a difference. Do not sleep with them until they have a. taken you to the cinema b. taken you out for dinner at least three times c. bought you flowers d. taken you on holiday (this last one is more wishful thinking than compulsory). Jeez guys, it's not hard! We just want to be made to feel special! Made to feel like we are worth a bit of effort and that you are willing to go out of your way for us. I'm sorry, but a picture of your pork sword just won't do.
So, ladies and toss-pots, sorry gentlemen (I'm praying there are some of you left!), I'm off now to have lunch with Sarah and to go through the final details of my party. We have managed to blag free drink for the whole night from Sputnik Vodka. Lovely Jubbley. Have a good day and if you get a minute, send someone you like a card or a bunch of flowers to show them you're thinking of them (or if you're already in a lust-filled passionate relationship, send them a dirty great snap of your bits to turn them on). It'll work a treat!
Jodie "exasperated" Marsh
P.S I am officially now a home owner!!! I exchanged today and picked up my new house keys! I'M A GROWN UP!!! Woooooo hooooooooooooo
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment