It is midnight. I have spent 9 hours today hand-writing my birthday invitations and sticking diamonds, ribbon and glitter on them. I am silently going mad. I am sure School teacher Lauren is reading this aloud beside me but I can't be sure, as it might just be the voices inside my head! No, I was right, it is school teacher Lauren. It is actually her that has gone silently mad. She said she feels like she has been sitting here her whole life, even though actually she has been at work for 11 hours today. She has witnessed a twelve year old child spit a greenie onto someone's head (and then cry when she threatened to tell her mum) and she has been told to "f*ck off" by a 14 year old boy. Good day for her then!
So anyway, forgetting the traumas of her day, she has decided that she is going to come as Rod Stewart to my fancy dress party! We have just spent an hour looking at fancy dress costume sites online and found Emma Greenwood's costume too (she was going to come as a carrot but we found a banana that's better). I am so excited for this I can't sleep at night. I have invited 200 people so far and the list is still going. I had to have a break from it as I superglued my fingers together 6 times, superglued a coaster to my mum and dad's dining table (Daddy Marsh not happy in the slightest!), got glitter in my eyes and spent half an hour trying to get it out (now look like I've been smoking pot all my life), and got a hunch in my back from leaning over the table. All this effort had better be worth it!
I spoke to Ben Dover (the porn star) today. He's a legend. He worked on my TV show Jodie Marsh Live and Turned On. I had such a laugh with him. I called to invite him to my party and he was over the moon to hear from me. Lauren is now laying on the floor and I'm on the phone to my mate Dimples - who is apparently watching porn - so I'm gonna stop typing for a second.........................
............................I'm back. Lauren just left cos she was falling asleep on the floor and didn't want to listen to me and Dimples talking porn and Paul Weller. We are getting up early tomorrow to go Fancy Dress hunting with my brother. I know I keep going on about it but this party is gonna be mental. I've got magicians, clowns, balloon-makers, a fortune-teller, a saxophone player (to play over the funky house music), chocolate fountains (white and dark!), a candy floss machine, a bucking-bronco, a tuc-shop full of sweets and of course goody bags for everyone. We are giving prizes to the best costumes and presents to everyone (as it's so near to xmas). We've got a film crew coming to film the whole event, a hotel down the road giving cheap rates for all my guests and I'm thinking of bringing a naked man on a dog lead as part of my costume! I am bursting with excitement!
Just changing the subject for two minutes.... Dave Morgan was over mine today with Kyle (writing "do not bend" on the party envelopes while Kyle wrote the names on the cards) and we stopped for a break to look at some magazines. Noticed in one particular spunk-shite that Michelle Heaton (the minging orange one that got rejected from Pop Idol) was slagging Dave off. She's never even met him! What is up with these people? Tango Tess hated me on sight, when I met her 3 years ago, so we came to the conclusion that she must know that Dave and I are mates and that's why she's giving him a ripping, but really, is it necessary?! What exactly does she do anyway?! Someone please tell me, cos apart from a 30 second cameo role on her sister-in-law's TV show recently, I've never actually seen her do anything. Anyway, she went on to say that Dave should stick to being a fireman and not try to be a celebrity. The only one trying to be a celeb, my dear, is you, by going out wearing no knickers! Funny, you should mention Dave "sticking to his fireman job" cos he came straight form the night shift at the firestation to my house this morning, having been called out 6 times to fires and accidents! Keep your useless and moronic statements to yourself ugly. Don't slag people off that you don't know and don't pass judgement. Dave can't see his little girl at the moment, but believe me, he'd love to! A little matter of going to court is in the way. Jeeeez, talentless bint pipe down. The ol' boyfriend is quite fit though, I might have to shag him one day Oh, I do make myself laugh!
Back to my life and what's going on...... I just got sent a load of addresses for people to invite to my party. It's official people, I now have Duncan and Lee from Blue's home addresses! Touch! Don't know about you, but I would! I mean, I already have with Antony, but he wasn't that great. I was lonely.......... Duncan and Lee together though, now that's a different story.....
So, another day, another blog. What to write.....? Ooooh, today I sent Nancy Sorrell a text to ask for her address and instead of texting me back, she recorded her own voice and sent it to me in a multimedia message. Very cool, I thought. Different and personal. Bless Nancy. She's preggers! Very happy for her and the old man. Loved her voice message - might start doing that myself. It's definitely better than sending a text!
Oh goodness, still unsure of what to wear to my fancy dress party! Was going to keep it a secret but think I'll at least tell you my top few choices at the moment:
Pirate, Ladybird, Goldilocks, Bo Beep, Vampire, Snow white or a Ringmaster?! CANNOT decide! I think the Ringmaster would be good cos the party is gonna be like a circus anyway. Jodie's Circus! Might do it. Then again, by next week, I'll have seen another fabulous outfit and be even more confused! (I just ate two dry croissants, they were lovely!)
So, here we are again. Do I really bore you when I'm like this?! When I can't think of anything interesting to say, I mean. I just kind of skip around from subject to subject and waffle rubbish. It's mush better when I'm ranting or got an issue with someone or something isn't it?! Let's have a think....
Did I tell you that I LOVE BEING SINGLE?! Singledom is definitely the way forward! No one to answer to, no one to question you, no one to follow you around and get in your way. I can go out, Ladies and Gentlemen, and talk to WHOEVER I want! I haven't got anyone standing on tip-toes looking over people's head's in a club to see if the guy I'm talking to is flirting with me and I haven't got anyone slinking an arm round my waist every time a fit bloke looks my way! Yippee! Thank you God for allowing me the sanity to know when I'm onto a good thing. Just please God, don't let me fall prey to the next cheeky boy that comes along! I DON'T WANT to be tied down! I have to actually ask for help with this, as right now, I KNOW I wanna be single. I'm loving it, I feel free and light and without burden. But come next week, when I'm pissed in Sugar Hut, I'll be happy to swop numbers with the first thing in trousers with dark hair. Before you know it, I've moved them in and they're having Sunday Lunch with the Marshes. I never mean to get involved so quickly, it just sort of happens. All my mates and family have told me for years that I shouldn't be so full-on and intense in the beginning of a new relationship, but I can't help it. From the minute I meet someone, I have to see them every day and every night. Then, two months down the line, I've seen all their faults, know everything about them, the spark has gone and I want out. Everyone reckons I should take it a lot slower, maybe only see them once a week at first, gradually moving to twice a week etc. They think that because of the intensity of my relationships, I ruin them for myself. Not true! Well, I don't think so anyway. I think that if you prolong it like that (or "take it slower" as they describe it), you're only then prolonging the breaking-up process. Put it this way, if I move them straight in, then after a few weeks, I know whether or not I could live with them for a long time and whether or not they are "the one" for me. I will still eventually find this out if I slow down the pace, only instead of knowing within a few weeks, I'll have wasted a year or so with the wrong guy! Why take things slow? You only live once! I want to live every day as if it's my last (cos you never know when, one day, it actually WILL be!) and I want to discover and experience as mush as possible. I don't want to waste any more time on wrong men. Blimey, I've wasted enough already to last a lifetime! Move 'em in, get 'em out, is what I say. I won't change the way I do things. I think that in this crazy world we live in, it's the sanest way to be. Yeah I could "slowly" date a boy for weeks or months, to move in with him after 2 years and realise that he's the dirtiest most hideous creature on the planet, who I couldn't live with if he was the last man on earth, but what's the point if I can find that out in the first two weeks?!
I'm hoping you get my point and aren't calling the men with white coats right now...... Seriously though, I enjoy being intense. Everything in my life is intense and fast-paced. From the way I can eat a whole chocolate croissant in 2 seconds flat, to the way I want everything done yesterday, I can't change how I am and don't want to. Kyle, Jord, Lauren, Bec - I think you're the mad ones and I think that one day, you'll see it. Cos I'll be settled down with Valentino Rossi or someone equally as amazing and you'll be divorcing some twat that you took 4 years "getting to know" properly! On a serious note, I hope that doesn't happen to any of us! I want nothing but joy and laughter for our crew and anyone that trys to cast a black shadow over us will feel my wrath! We come as a group anyway, so if one of us doesn't like you, you won't stand a chance anyway. Lauren is very good at death-staring someone out, unitl they run crying back to their mums. Me, on the other hand, well, until Karleigh, I've never let Jordan have a proper girlfriend. I'm under the impression that NO girl is good enough and it's funny how mush power a big sister has when it comes to scaring off admirors! I remember one girl, who was really messing with Jord (he's gonna kill me when he reads this), we had severe words and she backed off sharpish. Another, last year, got dragged by her hood into a stairwell in a club, to be told that if she dared go near my brother again, I would tell the whole of Brentwood she had a sexually transmitted disease. Harsh, but fair. The first one was still living with her boyfriend when she started seeing Jordan and the second had been overheard saying awful things about him (even though she was obsessed with him!) What's a sister to do? I'm not gonna stand by and let these troll girls use and abuse him. I know he's old enough to look after himself and that I shouldn't get involved but I can't stop myself. He's too good for them and I'm protective! (God help my future children!) Anyway, Jord is as bad with me. He HATES nearly all my boyfriends. He started a fight with Fran on the first night he met him! (looking back now, he had every right to and was also totally right that Fran was a cock - just to clear that up). I've brought boys back to the house on many an occasion that Jord won't even speak to. He'll just grunt from the sofa at them and generally make them feel uncomfortable. There was also a time when Jord wouldn't even let a guy speak to me in a club. If a guy was even just trying to buy me a drink, Jord would push in between us and tell the guy to "jog on" as I could "buy my own drinks thank you". I suppose in a way, we've both been in the right anyway. We only do it cos we care about each other and often can see something hideous in the other one's choice of partner that perhaps the other one can't see cos we're wearing those rose-coloured, lust-scented glasses; you know the ones........
So, what I'm trying to say is, always go with your own gut instincts, cos ultimately you need to learn and make mistakes for yourselves, but also listen to those around you who love you. They only tell you stuff BECAUSE they love you and they want the best for you. If only I'd listened to Jordan re: the Fran situation, I could have had an extra two years of shagging builders or having threesomes, instead of sitting at home on my own, waiting for him to finish working at a nightclub that he pretended to own. Ah well, you live n' learn!
You have to truly know me and understand my personality for what I'm about to say next (I'll try and explain as best as I can). Kyle made me cry laughing earlier, whilst writing out the party invites. The invite says:
Jodie's Birthday, 18th Dec, @ (venue), 7pm, Strictly Fancy Dress
He wrote one out and passed it to me, with a serious expression. It said:
Mary Joan Marsh's Birthday, 18th Dec, @ Trap, Strictly flat shoe, R n' B all night
Firstly, we always give people and things other names. Nobody can ever be called by their real name. I don't know why we do it but we always have and every day, it tickles us (examples are: Jordan is known as Gordan or Wartpeg. Russ is Mary - come to think of it, pretty mush everyone gets called Mary at various different times, it's our favourite name. Lauren is Law-reeeen or Lorraine. I am Judith or Joan. Peppe is Pepperina, Sunnie - who's 3 years old - is Gypsy-Bell - and now actually believes that Gypsy-Bell is her real name. Antony from Blue is "the hump". Justin the student is "ponytail boy". Kyle's ex is "the troll". You get my drift? Not sure if this is actually sounding funny, but I'm gonna plough on with it anyway!). Trap is my No 1 worst club in the world. It fills me with nothing but dread and darkness and misery, from the pit of my stomach to my throat. Flat shoes are the most hideous thing in the world, as far as we're concerned (the only flat shoe ever allowed is a trainer). R n' B is my worst music. Not the nice happy commerical stuff, but the heavy underground stuff that killed all the London clubs last year. It's too gangster ghetto for glam dollie birds like me. Don't get me wrong, I love ALL music, but give me old skool funky house in a club any day of the week. I wanna wear high heels and glitter and false eyelashes and be spun round a dance floor by a gorgeous man. I don't wanna go out in a hoodie and stand around in a club with attitude, while people around me talk about " bustin' people up" and compare fake bling watches. It's vile. Anyway, the pretend invite made me laugh so mush, it is now pinned on the notice-board in the kitchen. My party is going to be the total opposite to that. It's gonna be glamourous and full of totty who want to sing and dance and compare silly outfits. There will not be any attitude (as all my friends are lovely) and the venue will be sexy and plush; not a warehouse painted green with a spolight in the corner! Good effort Kyle, you made me laugh more than anyone else did today (although Dimples came a close second when he told me he was going "garment shopping" tomorrow!).
I'm very tired now. Going to get Baby and Ted and Paddifer and go to bed. My mum and dad have snaffled Tommy and Bean into bed with them. In these cold winter nights, the dogs are like little hot water bottles on your feet. Have I learnt anything today....? Yes, superglue is very very strong (my fingers are feeling it's power from having been painfully pulled apart 6 times) and you should never hand-write invitations when you're inviting more than 30 people. It's too long! Goodnight everyone and thanks for coming to my party, oh no, that's next month. Yipeee! Will write again tomorrow. I'm hoping you are all out partying right now (it's 2am) or else tucked up in bed with some little doggies keeping you warm (by that I mean the furry animal variety and not a couple of mingers you've picked up at a club).
Love and strap-ons, Marshy signing out........
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