My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen and fellow poofters, it's gay Stephen here! Since I am the biggest Queen in Jodie's life, it is my duty to write the Queen's speech today...... It's 1.37am on Christmas Day night so officially Boxing Day and it's my turn to tell you about all the antics over the last three months, since I have been a mate of Jodie Marsh, here goes:
October 2005 - Loving your work!
As you know, I work at the Sugar Hut Village. On a cold Autumn night where good-looking men were hard to find, Jodie was on the prowl and so was I. We both happened to spy the Men in Black (Lewis and Russell the doormen/builders). They looked like a cross between Will Smith and the Milk Tray Man. Definitely the kind of blokes I wouldn't mind jumping over my balcony with a box of chocolates! Like Black Widows, a night of fun began, we hunted them down, found out their sexuality (straight - bummer) and I left Jodie to work her magic with a little help from her friends (ie. Lauren). By the end of the night, Jodie was sat on Lewis's lap and had left me dribbling in the corner. Having seen how quickly Jodie had gone from total stranger to sitting on his lap, I knew this was a brilliant friendship in the making between me and her. On a secret rendevouz, while Lewis was in the toilet, to get the low down on the pulling situation, I told her I was "loving her work" and from then on it's been me, her and Sarah all the way!
Our first big night out together was at the Embassy club at one of Jordan's gigs. Jodie had invited lots of her celebrity friends down and the night was a huge success. The succession of the night was finding out that Jodie loved vodka as mush as I did, so another thing we had in common, aside from our love of fit men (can things get any better?). Jodie introduced me to all her gay mates and we partied for the rest of the evening. We got thrown off from dancing on tables with Nadia from Big Brother and I met another partner in crime, her fantastic friend Kyle.
I'm not gonna go through every night out we've had as we'd be here til next Christmas, I'm just gonna tell you about our friendship and other stuff I feel like telling you. This is the Queen's speech though, remember, so I may go off on a tangent (but anyone that knows me, knows I do that anyway).
Jodie is mine and Sarah's unofficial tea-girl. Every day that she's not working, she pops in with lunch and coffee for us and fills us in with the gossip that's been going on in the one hour that we haven't spoken for that day. We're thinking of getting Jodie her very own desk in the corner, where she can do her blogs and update all the pictures from the wild nights out and other silly things we get up to on a day to day basis. Even when she leaves, she leaves things to remind us she's been, for example, a couple of packets of empty Marlboro Lights and a hairpiece or two (or when she was doing her party invites, ten ton of glitter that the cleaners STILL can't get rid of). If I had to describe Jodie, I would say she is like the pink rabbit from the Duracell advert where she races ahead and us cheaper batteries struggle to keep up. But, she is always popping back to give us a boost along the way.
If you saw us right now, we are sat looking at the computer like two old fish wives, stuffed from a fantastic meal, smoking away with the fullest ashtray you've ever seen in your life! Jodie is in a white tracksuit and is wearing a big gold crown on her head (which I think suits me better), when she's not looking I might rip it off her head and kick her in the legs with my six inch stillies. This is OUR time of night, as everyone else is probably asleep and we have just got our second wind (pass me vodka bottle number two).
MEN
Well, what can I say about them? They're sh*t. There's three types of men: W*nkers, bigger w*nkers and even bigger w*nkers. Between our shared 52 years we've met a lot of the above categories. Today I got Jodie a book called The Complete Rules. As you all know, she's been having a tough time with Dimples of late and today not being an exception, he still hadn't called her by lunch time, she opened the book on a random page and the heading was "If He Hasn't Called, He's Not Interested". "Oh", we thought "this is going to be a good day!" Not. On a serious note, Jodie and relationships are not always straight-forward. A. Jodie's job - means she's in the limelight a lot of the time and sometimes men try and use that to their own advantage. B. Men are too wet and as the song goes, never seem to have the b*llocks to "step across the line". They expect her to make the first move. C. Some men who are actually intimidated by her fame show it by being over-confident and try to treat her like they don't care that mush, as if by playing it extra cool she will be interested in them. Not the right thing to do at all. She just wants a normal guy (hope you're taking notes guys as I'm giving you valuable information only normally shared in the bitches of Brentwoods' circle ie. Sarah, Lauren, Kyle, Me, Jodie). Deep down she is a down to earth girl from Brentwood who would like to settle down and enjoy life. At the dinner table today Jodie proposed to me and we asked Marge and Parge for their blessing. Jodie does not want to be an old haggard bride walking down the aisle with a Zimmer frame. As she is now 27, I think it is the perfect time and a great excuse to organise another party! Ultimately she's just looking for love, which we all are, but our trust and hope in meeting the right man is disintegrating by the second. Therefore, we are not joking in wanting to marry each other. At least our mums will have seen us do the deed (even if it's not entirely consummated) "No, Jodie, I still will NOT sleep with you!" . Jodie reckons that she could turn me into a straight man but for those who know me very well know I would never touch wet liver (vile). Jodie butts in at this point to say "I COULD turn you Stephen, you haven't even let me try! I've turned gay men before quite easily. At the end of the day, sex is sex, if you shut your eyes I'll do things to you that'll leave you screaming in ecstasy! And you know it......" I've gone to pour another large vodka. She's been banned from speaking again now, this is MY Queen's speech!!!
What I think Jodie does wrong sometimes is when she finds "a nice man" (if there is such a thing), she's a very good judge of character but some of the worng-uns slip through the net. She lets her guard down too easily and tells them exactly how she feels as and when she feels it - even if it's on the first date! For some men, it probably scares them! If I'm truthful, I would rather have this than spend time with someone and not know what the next day may bring, for example; someone telling you they love on Tuesday and dumping you on Wednesday (Oooh, the bitter twisted old queen in me is surfacing). I actually think it's a brilliant trait of Jodie's (that she's so honest) but I can see why men would be terrified by it. The time is now 2.30am and we haven't had a "Dimples time" in 8 hours! Please read this and send her a text, actually don't bother, I think she's past caring. She cannot actually believe that her own boyfriend hasn't even called her for a goodnight chat on Christmas Day. Dimples mate, I like you and will back you up, but you're not giving me mush ammunition to help you. When ARE you gonna learn?! Hopefully before I lose all of my hair.....
It's Jodie again now - Stephen is right, I am past caring now. I'm totally shocked that he hasn't done anything to make me feel special today. I even explained to him that I want what my mum and dad have got in terms of love and effort made. When they were dating, my dad lived in Bournemouth and my mum lived in Essex. He had a little scooter and used to drive up to see her 3 times a week. It didn't go more than 40mph so took him hours to get to her and he even made the trip in thick snow once! Dimples won't even get in a cab to see me from Kent which is half an hour away (you don't need a passport to cross the water). I told him all this on the phone earlier when he asked why I was past caring and thought that he might get the hint that I needed a bit of effort to be made to make me feel special. Nope. How wrong I was, I haven't heard from him in 8 hours, I don't know where he is or what he's doing, he clearly hasn't thought about me at all and I
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Stephen again..... I have ripped the keyboard out of her hands and am going for the crown again. All the dog are barking. No more Dimples pleeeeeease. My heart can't take it and at the end of the day this is meant to be about me. Ha ha ha...........
SARAH AND DAVE
Well this is a couple made by the angels (me and Jodie that is). We are already ordering our hats off the internet and thinking of a Summer Wedding for the pair. It's really nice to see them both together especially as Jodie and I played a part in getting them together. We believe that last night (we are gonna get shot for saying this) they told each other that they love each other for the first time!!! Me and Jodie are like naughty little kids who have been grinning all day about it! The first time they kissed, we were peering round the corner watching them and giggling. We jumped around afterwards and everyone thought we were complete loons! You should have seen the amount of presents Dave bought her for Christmas! My bedroom was like Santa's factory as I was storing them away for him, and then her as she bought his. Me and Jodie have just decided that we want to be bridesmaids..... And the first two children are going to be named Stephen and Jodie (or Jodie and Stephen, as Jodie has just shouted at me).
JODIE'S PARTY
Well, what an event that was! The best Brentwood has ever seen in fact. Me, Sarah and Jodie had two and half weeks to organise and make the party as good as it was. As you will see by the pictures coming up soon in the gallery, I was dressed as Willy Wonka with a very white face that was due to the lack of sleep I'd had over the few weeks leading up to it. I spent night after night filling 200 goody bags with presents til 7am some mornings. Check out the pics - I look rough! What made it good for me was seeing how all of Jodie's friends made a fantastic effort in getting dressed up and Chris Parker came (who I fancy like mad! Sh*t, hope he doesn't read this!). The three of us make a really good team and can't wait to get underway with our next project, all I can say guys is watch this space.......
ME
For those who don't know me, I am a very out-going person with a fantastic personality. I walk about without a care in the world and manage to see the funny side in everything. I perform for my audience, even when I'm down by putting a smile on it and always make sure that my mates are having the time of their life, whatever we are doing. If someone crosses me badly, they WILL feel my wrath, some have experienced it in the past and some are on the list to get it, as the old saying goes "what goes around comes around" . I haven't found the right man yet cos I don't think any man could take the amount of love that I have to give. These are the reasons I think me and Jodie get on as well as we do. Their loss eh babe?!
Jodie - "Hell yeah, I'll drink to that!"
Stephen - "Are you pissed?"
J - "No, just happy"
S - "Why are you happy? I thought you were pissed off cos of Dimples?"
J - "Nooooooooo! I WAS pissed off, but I'm not now, he's the same as all the others - like you said, his loss, I'll take my love where it's wanted....."
S - "Are you dumping him then?"
J - "Not yet, I mean, might as well wait and see what tomorrow brings but I'm not holding my breath for any joy on that one. You never know, he might turn up here in the morning and if he does, I won't kick him out"
S - "yeah well blue's not your colour anyway so don't hold your breath. I don't know about you but I'LL give him a big kiss if he turns up here in the morning! Tell him to bring Darius with him and wear the costume he was wearing the other night"
J - "Shall we ask them for a fours-up? "
S - "Make it a threesome, you're not invited. Only messing , I'd love to, but you're not allowed to touch me! Unless you get that strap-on out anyway"
J - "It'd be my pleasure babe!"
S - "Have you ever done that?"
J - "That'd be telling now wouldn't it?!"
S - "Saving it for the next book are you?"
J - "No, just don't want Dimples mum reading this, but yeah, I might put it in the next book!"
S - "Can I have my blog back now please? I haven't finished writing the Queen's Speech!"
J - "Oh ok, but only cos you asked so nicely. I'm going to go and heat up some roast potatoes anyway, want some?"
S - "Hell yeah baby"
J - " I'm too good to you!"
S - I'm back! She has left the smoke-filled room on a search of roasters! That was fun, the blog needs shaking up every now and then!!
I've had a really lovely day today, had loads of nice presents (an outrageous one from Jodie which she'll tell you about another time) and I just want to say to all my friends (who I know read this), "Hello, miss you loads! Hope you've all had a great Christmas, we'll see you soon!"
I'm gonna go now cos otherwise Jodie will eat all the roasters! Just to go off on a tangent again here, just cos you have a gay friend doesn't mean I'm going to like him! For the last few weeks, everyone I know has been saying to me "I've got a gay friend, you'll love him!" I'm the only gay in the village, I don't want you bringing them to me like I am some kind of desperado! Thanks anyway
It's now 9 hours and still no "Dimples time". It means I'm gonna be up gassing for the next few hours with a half-heart-broken Jodie. Thank God for vodka, fags and great friends! Me and Jodie are missing Sarah and Dave, love you both - can't wait for Ice Skating on Wednesday!!!!!!
Stephen (the Queen)
xxxx
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